tushanshu_logs | the world's a beast of a burden//you've been holding up a long time

[ oooh, now isn't the best time to talk to Percy.

she should leave, try and bump into him "at random" another time. when he's not feeling quite so -stabby.

but nah, Rachel's not really the type to approach a situation with her chin up then turn tail as soon as it looks a little tense. she wanted to talk to Percy, so she's going to talk to Percy. and no, she doesn't have any set things to talk to him about, nothing so organized. it's more of a "it's been too long, and he's my friend, so this is stupid" thing. not that she was avoiding him, but-

whatever.

she approaches him with some caution ( she learned walking right up to someone while they're training is never smart - thanks, Ares kids ), but she's not sheepish or shy about it. she'll just- poke at the mutilated dummy on the ground with her foot, as if checking for life, then stay right around that area. in his line of sight, but not in the way. she doesn't expect Percy to stop throwing punches just because she's there, after all ]

Deearly beloved- [ yes good idea making jokes always a solid plan to clear any tension that may or may not be in the room -we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of- Dummy McStuffington. Are we really mourning, though? Should we mourn? Some would say he had it coming, being a hit dummy and all. He knew the risks, and it seems he's embraced his fate rather gracefully. Sorta. [ headtilt ]

[He sees her pretty much immediately, and a kind of nauseous feeling overcomes him. Not because the sight of Rachel makes him sick or anything, but because of the awful combination of anger and guilt and missing her that roils in his gut.

Sure, they'd fought. But Percy loves his friends, and the fact that he's been sort of avoiding Rachel is seriously at odds with that.

So for a moment, he just keeps punching the dummy, once, twice, three times, the same place over and over. He can feel the exhaustion finally starting to set in, but he doesn't stop until she starts to talk.

Despite himself, despite everything, the faintest smile twitches at his lips.] I'll give him an honourable burial. Promise.

Mm. A burial at sea, perhaps.

[ said with a seriously pensive tone- right before she snorts a laugh. but it's just a little thing, because she's not surei if she should be laughing and joking when there's obviously something going on with him. it doesn't matter what it is, specifically, it just matters because it's making him throw punches like exhausting himself might feel better than focusing in whatever it is on his mind. she gets that, sorta. only instead of working out, she usually just paints.

anyway, maybe it had something to do with the whole- not being in the right body thing that went on not so long ago. she's still trying to wrap her head around that whole situation, so. maybe he ended up in somebody with weirder issues than any of the campers had. ... it was totally possible!

( not really, how could that be possible? ) ]

Are you okay? [ kind of blurted out, oops. she huffs, mild frustration directed 100% at herself ] Are we okay? It just- feels like we might not be and I want to fix it. [ plain and simple. much better. ]

[He wishes he could sit down, or keep hitting things, or - something. His ADHD feels like it's on overdrive despite what he's putting himself through; almost instinctively, his eyes scan the surrounding area restlessly until he spots Annabeth in the distance. Something in his shoulders unknots, but only a little.

He almost misses what Rachel asks, his brain catching up a second or two later. And then his whole body goes stiff - if there's one thing he wants right now, it's for people to stop asking that. Irritation flickers across his face, but then Rachel keeps talking and - and he wants to fix it too. He doesn't want to be like this. He doesn't want them to be like this.

His shoulders sag, gaze dipping and staring at his hand, the one that had failed to hold on] We're fine. [Except that doesn't sound too convincing. He lifts his head and meets her eyes, and it's obvious that his exhausting isn't just from sparring, not with the dark circles under his own eyes.] I really mean that. You're one of my best friends, Rachel. I just--

[But the words stick in his throat. He shakes his head helplessly, staring at the ground again.]

It's okay.

[ that his first answer was a little curt, that he cut himself off. because she knows what getting asked are you okay feels like when she's, you know, not, so she doesn't read into his body language as much as she might normally. not when it was her fault for poking at that question to begin with. right now he's all high-energy tension, but she feels like a small gust of wind could knock her on her ass, because she feels like she has no footing here, not really. she sees the way he looks to Annabeth and knows that she'll never completely feel like she knows what's going on in Percy's head, not when the two of them already have their telepathic love thing going on that doesn't require words- which probably makes her sound really bitter! that she thinks of it that way. but really it's more that she knows she can't expect him to share with her the things that Annabeth just knows. why dig into things like that when you don't have to? she wouldn't.

but it leaves her feeling like she has to watch every word she says, count the syllables and mind her inflections, because accidentally prodding at one means prodding at both, and really she just-

she just really wants her friends back.

so she'll skip the explanations and the how can I help?s and what can I do?s because she's sure that she can't and that's fine. really. ]

You can keep hitting things, if you want. I didn't mean to actually interrupt. [ a beat ] Well, maybe I did. But you look like you're either about to fall over or start sprinting laps around the room, so. Go, do that. I can talk while you punch. [ gesture gesture gesture- all the thing she does when she's not sure what she's supposed to say now. so she's just! really adamant! about the things she does decide to say! ]

[Ordinarily Percy would refuse that, tip his head and indicate to sit down or something. But he's not even sure what ordinary is right now, and there's still all this pent up tension inside of him that he just can't seem to get rid of.

So he nods, grateful, and starts laying into the dummy again. The stuffing makes a satisfying thump every time his fist slams into it] You're not interrupting. I mean, you kind of are, but I don't - it's fine. [Everything is fine! He punches in silence for a moment]

Did we ever actually explain what happened to you? Properly, I mean. [A weak spot in the fabric tears from the force of his next hint, and he eyes it for a moment before shifting his attacks]

[ hey, it's cool with her. less than a year ago ( more than a year ago for them, but she's not thinking about that ) she'd be perfectly fine standing around watching Percy work up a sweat. and she still is fine with it, only she feels stupid watching him, so she ends up kind of pacing, watching her feet as she forms invisible patterns with the soles of her shoes. she shakes her head before she realizes he's probably not even watching her ]

Technically no. I only know what I saw with you. [ in that nightmare world or whatever it was. ] But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

[He's hyper aware of where she's walking, but that's ADHD and instinct, not anything that's specific to her. He grits his teeth and tries to focus on the rhythm of his body, the sound of his blood and breath in his ears.]

No. You should know. [And there's an ugly thought in the back of his mind, one that wants her to know exactly what happened to him and Annabeth, so that she'll understand why he's angry, why she was wrong. He shoves that down with another hard punch, disgusted with himself the second it occurs to him]

Annabeth defeated Arachne, but she started freaking out. The cavern was coming down. Arachne fell down the hole, and there was some webbing attached to Annabeth's leg. I caught her hand, but-- [Another hole bursts in the dummy, and Percy pauses for a second, gasping a little before picking another spot and starting over] We both went over. I couldn't pull us up. So I let go of the edge. That's the last thing I remember, falling into Tartarus with her.

Edited 2013-10-07 04:20 (UTC)

[ it takes her a second to really get what he's talking about, follow his train of thought. which cavern, how it was connected to Tartarus. but, right. Annabeth was following the Mark of Athena, that much she knew. she was never shown the details of her quest, not in her dreams or through Prophecy. she knew what everyone else did. and her pacing slows a little bit, but she doesn't stop and look up, because she can hear that he's hitting the dummy a little harder, she doesn't have to see it. so she's watching her feet pass one in front of the other, again and again, as she tries to figure out how to approach this. because there's a right way, there has to be. the tactful way. I'm so sorry sounds hollow, that's so scary sounds vapid, understated, useless. she hasn't lived it, so she doesn't know how people are reacting to the news at camp, if the camp even knows. she has nothing to contribute, nothing new. ]

And now you're here. [ not in Tartarus, not back at camp, not even in the same world as everything we know. but none of that is helpful either. ] So what does that mean?

Edited 2013-10-07 05:11 (UTC)

I don't know. [His frustration bursts out of him in one final punch, and the second dummy gives up the ghost under his onslaught. His stares at his work, panting, before he squeezes his eyes shut, pressing his palms to them.

One thing is clear, though; this time, at least, his anger isn't directed at her. His hands drag down his face as he catches his breath, mumbling through his fingers] When the Emperor starts taking visitors again, we're going to find out. Whatever happens, we can't live like this any more.

[ she knew it was coming, but she still flinches with that last hit, peeking over to take a look at the damage. RIP punch-dummy 2.

and she almost asks 'like what?' but she's pretty sure he means just being here instead of at home where their lives count more and their actions count more and the fate of the world, their world, depends on all that. it's still a lost concept on her, in some ways, because- ]

Percy, maybe there's a reason why you showed up here right after that, why we all showed up when we did. Like- a time out, you know? A chance to breathe. I'm not trying to say you should forget about it, but the fact that we're all here... That has to mean something, don't you think? [ it's not so bad here, she thinks, it's better than Tartarus, better than her friends leaving on some quest which was only a few heavy strings of prophecy to her, just a few months ago. ] Maybe it's fate.

[He works almost on autopilot with the dummy, untying its restraints until he can shove it over to the remains of the other one. That done, he picks up a third and starts setting it up, trying to avoid the temptation to bite Rachel's head off]

For the first few months, that's what it was. [His voice sounds curiously numb, like he's afraid of his own emotions right now.] But the longer we leave it, the heavier it gets. The wondering, the nightmares, the-- [He stills, resting his forehead against the stupid dummy for a second. It's only because it's Rachel that he admits this] We're fighting. All the time. And not like - not like normal, stupid stuff. Really awful, horible fights. So we have to find out, because no matter how bad it is, we can't live with not knowing anymore.

[ oh. oh. it takes her a second to follow his trian of thought, but she nods once she does ] Fair. [ but she doesn't know what to add, because he's setting up another dummy so obviously talking about this isn't helping him in ..any way, shape, or form. which sucks. it makes her feel antsy, like she's not doing enough. or doing the right thing at all. how can she help? ]

Why wait? I mean, you're right, we do have the right to know. So why don't we call them out, ask them now?

[ because that, that she can do ]

Because-- [The dummy set up, he hits it in the torso again. It's not as satisfying right now, although he can't put his finger on why] --the Emperor only shows people their future during audiences. And she's dropped off the face of the turtle lately. So we have to wait for her to come back and agree to see people again.

[Thump thump. He hits it again anyway, and then sighs, running a hand back through sweat slicked hair as he turns to Rachel.] Normally I don't really care abou calling people out. [Big understament] But you have to bargain with the Emperor to get her to agree to show you your future. I don't wanna screw up and have her ask for something I can't give. Or have her decide to take it out on Annabeth. So we're waiting, right now.

[ oh, she's heard that before. having to bargain to see glimpses of your future. which is frustrating, yet another frustrating thing, because she shouldn't have to do that, not when she still gets the bad dreams and the icky vibes from bad situations or bad people. she shouldn't have to feel all of that and still ask to get to know the future. but she is curious about it, of course, so- ]

You'll let me know when you go talk to her, right? Maybe I can help you make a deal.

No, I'm not - no ones making any deals for me. [He manages to offer her a smile, strained as it is] Thanks. I mean that. But I've got plenty of stuff the Emperor can use. I don't need anyone to sacrifice anything else for me.

[ she just nods, mostly because maybe she expected him to decline her offer, but maybe that's not all it was ]

Well... Maybe I should go so I can start trying to think of a deal of my own. [ which makes her squint, because she's perfectly aware that it's not exactly easy work, making that deal. ] What if we all went together-? [ different memories, sure, but same world. like a group discount! ]

[He shifts, a little awkward. Uncomfortable] I don't...

{He's hurt her and everyone else enough lately that he really has to stop here and force himself to think about his words. He screws his eyes shut for a second, rubbing a hand over his face] I really just - it's not you. But we really just need it to be us. [His expression is vaguely helpless here] I'm sorry. But - if you do make a deal, be careful about what you offer.

[ oh. she expected that, maybe, expected it but hoped for something different. so she nods, licks her lips and nods again just to waste some time. she'd look around at somewhere that wasn't Percy's face, but she's sure she'd accidentally look right at Annabeth and that'd probably come off all wrong ( or all right ) so, nope, just nodding and- ]

I will. You too. [ and she's just going to push right along- ] Ah, I should get out of here. Let you get back to your dummy destruction. Just wanted to talk to you, and- we did that, so. [ she'll even start taking a few steps backwards, yep, totally leaving ] I'll see you around, yeah?

No, wait--

[He moves fast, the kind of speed that comes from having had to run for your life too many time. He reaches out, grabs her wrist so she won't go just yet.

Honestly, he would prefer to be alone right now, but it's not because of her. It's because he's reached a point where he's scared of what he'll say to his friends, what his frustration and hurt and no small amount of terror will force out of his mouth. He doesn't want to put them through that.

But the way Rachel looks right now, the awkwardness in the air, he doesn't want to put her through that, either.] Have you been training at all? Back at Camp, I mean. Or here, I guess. Because I could teach you. Not with Riptide, obviously, but we've got a few extra weapons that Leo threw together.

[ there's a little bit of 'are you sure?' when he first grabs her wrist, an unspoken response to an unspoken 'stay.'. but she won't question it because of course she wants to stay, she wants to push past all the awkward and the tension in whatever way she can. so when he offers to teach her how to fight- ]

What kind of weapons? I mean, no, I haven't been training. Oracles weren't really built for fighting. [ okay, bad joke ] But I would be interested in learning, sure, of course. If you want to.

Whatever you want to learn, pretty much. I mean - okay, I'm gonna be best at teaching you how to use a sword, and you definitely don't want me teaching you how to use a bow and arrow. You could go to Frank for that, though. And Annabeth could teach you how to use a dagger.

[It takes some doing, but he manages to dredge up a smile for her] I want to. I wouldn't have said so, otherwise.

[ his grin gets one to match, and she tugs her wrist out of his grip just to hold his hand for a moment before letting go. he's trying, for her, and she definitely appreciates it ]

Well. You tell me, hero. Do I look more like an archer, a close-combat dagger ..fighter, or a swordfighter? I have a feeling both skills require a lot more upper-body strength than I actually have, though.

the world's a beast of a burden//you've been holding up a long time

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