tushanshu_logs | What we lost along the way.

Entry tags:

What we lost along the way.

Characters: ~~Amon~~ Noatak and Tarrlok
Date: After the fire.
Location: Fire Sector
Situation: Amon gives up trying to stalk Councilman Tarrlok as the situation in Keeliai escalates, and finally drops the act to look for his brother.
Warnings/Rating: Discussions of child abuse, other uncomfortable topics, and the potential of violence.

[ Noatak defined himself by the experiences that created Amon until every bad memory and worse mistake bled together into one grey smear that hung over him like a storm cloud. An inescapable series of interwoven moments that were permanently burned into him unlike the scars he fabricated. Eidetic memory was a curse that stung most on the days you were left alone with nothing but your memories to sit beside you.

Noatak was fourteen explaining away the split lip his father gave him as a 'hunting accident' to his mother; he was still a teenager and standing in the storm that he blindly ran into, lost and afraid; he was forty and running away all over again, still just as lost and afraid. He was forty, and maybe still Noatak, running over the anonymous message he sent through a café console with a sick, heavy feeling in his gut that this another mistake he was making.

Come to the fire gardens outside F1-3B if you want news of Amon's demise.

Maybe it was too poetic, or perhaps even too blunt. He sent that message to Tarrlok awhile ago, still unsure if whether or not was wasting his time sitting out by the mentioned fire gardens. His brother's recent activities did nothing to imply he remembered the penultimate events leading up to their shared fall. He still had his bending, for one. There was no way of telling if he made the connection and figured out that Amon and Noatak were two sides of the same coin. All Noatak could do was sit, and wait. ]

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[As much anger as he carried with him right now, he didn't really want news of Amon's demise. He'd already struggled to come to terms with what he thought was his brother's death in the snowstorm. No matter what he'd become, it would be difficult still to deal with his death a second time around. But, he couldn't just let himself stay ignorant. He had to know.

He'd tried so hard to forget about his past and he almost succeeded. He could talk about Yakone in public as if he were a complete stranger. He was successful, admired, and strong, all the things his father thought him incapable of being. It was bad enough that Amon was ruining that at all, worse that it was his own brother.

This could be a trap. Asami seemed to know quite a bit, and she didn't say anything about anyone's demise. Besides, if she wanted to tell him anything she wouldn't be so cryptic about it. But someone knew something, so he had to go. He wouldn't be a coward and stay put. It took him a while to get going - but he went.]

[ The half exhaled breath in Noatak's throat hitched and caught in his chest when he saw Tarrlok coming down the walkway into the gardens. He shouldn't have been shocked, he knew, given the innumerable times he's watched in on his brother play the part of Councilman. This wasn't some twisted display of familial protectiveness watching from the shadows, however. They were in broad daylight now, and he had no where to run even if he wanted to.

Noatak stood by a stone gate that yawned into the winding path into the fire gardens proper. His posture and even his demeanour had been completely deflated after waiting out here for so long. With apprehension if Tarrlok would see Noatak or that nameless healer that slipped his notice time and again, he stepped out into view. ]

I see my message got through.

Edited 2012-10-18 23:17 (UTC)

[He's not sure what he sees. There was always something strangely familiar about him - but Tarrlok had been thinking way too much on his brother both times they'd met so far.

And, he didn't want to let anything slip about this. No one had to know his family history, not unless it was absolutely necessary. He'd be the one asking the questions, for now.]

What do you know about him?

[ Noatak felt a sudden resurgence of an old anger that burned cold inside of him. The hubris of his brother once again betrayed him. Tarrlok could never at Noatak as he was now; he couldn't peel back the years to see what was standing right in front of him.

Without a second word, Noatak dug into the lapels of his jacket. A white lacquered mask with the cuts of its eyes that seemed to watch them was pulled out, and thrown at Councilman Tarrlok's feet. ]

[Tarrlok stepped back, hardly able to believe what he was seeing. He wanted to believe the mask was stolen, or recovered from a crime scene. He wanted to believe anything but the possibility of Noatak standing in front of him right now - having spoken to him with yet another fake identity.

But the coincidence was all too much. He'd dismissed it as his own paranoia before but now that that mask was at his feet...

There were a lot of words he wanted to say. Liar. Terrorist. Menace. But only one came out.]

...Brother.

[ Noatak would have welcomed Tarrlok to spit at him for what he was, and what he failed to be. After that storm he hand't done a thing right by his brother, and still Tarrlok called him so.

That word alone rend his gaze downward; he couldn't look at him now, not after expected anger. Hatred. ]

I'm sorry, [ Those two words failed to encompass the years of self-orchestrated alienation and torment that escalated into nothing short of actual war. ] You were better off not knowing.

[He was trying to hold his anger back. He didn't want to be angry at Noatak, despite all he had done. He wanted to be angry at their father. He wanted to believe that the actions he'd taken against Korra were his father's fault and not his own, that he'd just been driven to that by Yakone's influence.

So how could he see himself as innocent, but blame his brother? It was a threat to everything he'd built himself up to be. But he was angry. Right now, he was. He had enough self control to restrain himself from physically lashing out, but that's about it.]

Don't you act like you were trying to protect me after everything you've done.

...If you were truly sorry you would have left Republic City alone a long time ago. What if you would have succeeded? Would you have "equalized" me, too? Your own brother?

Yes.

[ His confession fell like the executioner's axe. Noatak couldn't say no -- he had already done the deed and even if Tarrlok was free from that memory it was stuck with Noatak. Even then he himself hadn't accepted what he done to his brother until well after fact. The harsh truth of it was Noatak showed his love by assaulting and imprisoning his own brother, and thought himself just for it. ]

You and I were so defined by our father's ghost that it was the only way, after I had turned so far into myself in becoming Amon. It was the only way I could protect you when everyone else wanted blood on the ground. Yours.

[ Amon was no saint, but he hardly planned to coming here to pretend his brother was. ]

It always does start with the best intentions, doesn't it?

I don't trust your intentions. I had left my father behind me. I had proved that I wasn't weak. I had proved him wrong. He might define you, but he doesn't define me. Not anymore.

[He winces. He's seen it in Asami already; someone from his own world talking about things that hadn't happened to him yet. He didn't want to think that he loses his bending in the future. But he still has it now; and he's determined not to let that happen.]

How is that protection? People want my blood on the ground - so you take my only method of self-defense away? That doesn't make any sense.

Somehow I find that hard to believe, and I know part of you would agree. You're forgetting I've been with you almost every step of the way. You changed the notes, but you were following his tune and expecting a different outcome.

[ Not that he was one to talk. The entirety of the Equalist movement was bred from his deep-seated hatred of their father, and what he saw as the root of the problem. That it had grown to include the other misjudged and outcast only emboldened his way of thinking. ]

My position was so that it was like riding on the back of a polar leopard and finding it hard to get off. You figure it out.

Don't you dare compare me to him. I was doing the opposite of what he did. I was saving the city he so despised.

[He looks away. What would he be without his bending? What would he be if the public found out that he'd kidnapped Korra? What would he be if he lost to his brother?]

If what you're saying is true, I would have preferred for you to have killed me. Or let them kill me. Whatever you were "protecting" me from.

[ Noatak reacted with a lack of the natural grace he had always possessed. What was the usual fluidity had been stripped and he jerked awkwardly, it all raw and fraying nerves that drove him to cross the rift cleaved between him and Tarrlok.

Any personal space was disregarded as he gripped his hands under Tarrlok's jaw; fingers pressed tight around the back of his neck. Noatak wanted his brother to look him in the eyes; as if in challenge of what he had practically threatened. ]

Never. Tarrlok, never.

Don't touch me.

[He jerks back away from Noatak's grip. He's not ready for any sort of physical contact between them yet.]

What would I have had to live for? It would be better to die fighting than to live...defeated and weak. But it hasn't happened, yet. Not to me. And if I have my way, it won't.

[ Noatak reacted similarly and jumped off as if he had been burned, and his expression fell with guilt. That damningly black and white view of the world, and his own reliance on distancing himself from others through fear and manipulation was all he had to lean on. It was painfully obvious now that attempts to reach out to someone, even Tarrlok, only came off as fumbled. Pathetic. ]

Is power really so important to you that you'd throw your life away for it? Tarrlok, this isn't Republic City -- it's over.

It wasn't just about power, alright? The city...was all I had. To lose it would mean I was weak. That I proved him right.

[Pause.]

That I proved you right.

You're all I had. Have.

[ That last statement sunk in, and he knew Tarrlok wasn't referring to anything that happened in that city. ]

We were boys, Tarrlok -- frightened, angry boys.

I know. But hearing that from you - it's stuck with me.

...I know I was all you had, and I'm sorry. I would have gone with you if I'd known that this was how it was going to end up. But I can't change the past, and I can't just go back to the way things were.

[He's talking slower than he normally does. This is hard for him to say.]

You were lying to all these people here. Again. And you know I can't hide you, now that I know you're here.

I've regretted that moment from that day and everyday after, but that never gave either of us the right to...turn out as we had. Like him.

[ He swallowed, hard. He knew this was coming. ]

That won't do your new political agenda any favours.

We're not like him! Stop saying that.

[Tarrlok didn't often raise his voice, because that meant someone was getting to him. And he didn't really mean to say 'we're' rather than 'I'm', but he's spent so long despising his father that he doesn't think anyone could be as bad as he was.]

No, it won't. And that's what I have now. That's who I am now. If you truly have any care left for me at all, you'll accept that and not try to ruin me.

You think me so petty?

[ It hurt, more than it should. ]

I won't, but you can't just start an incident telling them your brother is not only here but a terrorist. We'd both suffer that fall out.

You were willing to ruin me back home.

I know. But I don't think there's any way to break that news positively. If the news got out that I knew and didn't tell anyone, it would be far worse. I'll have to think of the best way to say it. [He cringes at the thought of discussing anything with Korra, but in this case he might have to.]

You were far from helpless, and I wasn't forcing you to raid the slums. Or bloodbend the Avatar.

So, you've made up your mind about this? You're really going through with it to drudge all this up again?

No, you weren't. But there was no way your revolution could succeed without ruining me, so it was in your plan to begin with.

What else do you expect me to do?

You were well on your way to destroying yourself without my influence; you and the rest of the council. Don't understate the issue and think it was just about you.

[ Noatak's jaw clenched as he weathered his brother's withering words. He was short of physically biting his tongue when stopped himself from arguing he would have had taken no pleasure in destroying the politician as he did everything to spare the man. It was moot point; Noatak knew all too well what the both of them had become capable of. ]

I don't want to talk about this here.

I was just fine before the equalists caused me to take more desperate action. And I was happy, for once.

[He has trouble not making this all about him, because while he didn't know who Amon was, Amon knew who he was the entire time and proceeded anyways. Tarrlok would like to think he may have acted differently if he knew that Amon was his brother, but feels like Noatak pushed their brotherhood aside for the sake of his revolution.]

Where would you rather talk about it, then?

You were a time bomb. I regret...well, I regret quite a lot and you getting hurt in all of this was truly my greatest failure. But if you want me to sit here and tell you that I felt you were entirely without fault or would have been the saviour you so desperately wanted then I am sorry.

Who pushed them is moot point because good men don't resort to what we've done when backed into a corner.

[ That remark, however cutting, extended to himself as well. Not even when the Equalist move began as a grassroots movement did he imagine how far it would go, and how far he would. Now he was just angry, incredibly tired, and frankly saddened. ]

Anywhere else but in the open. If you even will talk to me.

Edited 2012-10-19 19:24 (UTC)

If that's the case, then how can anyone be good after what we've been through? Most people don't do what we've done when they're backed into a corner because they can't. It's not like we could unlearn bloodbending just so we wouldn't use it in a crisis. The way you put it, we would've been better off dead to begin with. But you don't seem to want that, either.

[Deep down, Tarrlok still wants to believe he's a good person. If only because it seems like a great injustice that a father he didn't choose to have and a skill that he never wanted to learn were what caused his downfall.]

I will talk to you. My suite is nearby, if you'd prefer. [He doesn't exactly trust Noatak enough to feel all that comfortable being alone with him. But he thinks he's made it pretty clear that his brother is on thin ice right now, and Tarrlok wants to believe that Noatak cares enough not to break the tiny amount of trust he's been given.]

You mean they can't justify it. But you are right, I'm...afraid to die as much as I fear to face the possibility that he continued to shape me even after I ran.

[ While they were hardly on agreeable terms, Tarrlok had a knack for putting things into perspective. And just like that all of the tense anger Noatak had been shouldering throughout this drained away from he, and now he just looked resigned. He was so tired, so exhausted that he felt it in his bones. ]

I know where it is.

For the record...I don't blame you. I don't blame us. And I wish you wouldn't, either.

[So he'd been followed. He wondered how long he'd been followed in Republic City, too.]

Alright. Let's go. [He starting walking in the direction if his suite.]

[ Noatak said nothing; silver tongue turned to lead in his mouth at such a simple extension of trust from Tarrlok. Although he made the attempt, he couldn't seem to articulate a response that would agree with him. Instead he kept in step with his brother and followed close behind. ]

[He arrived at his suite and felt almost ashamed, in front of his brother, of how luxurious and upper-class it was. He'd been placed in the fire sector rather than the water sector for a reason - and that was the reason exactly. He was just "too good" for anything else. He took a wild guess that Noatak didn't exactly approve of his materialism.

He opened the door and stepped inside first, determined not to take his eyes off of his brother as long as he was in his suite.]

[ Noatak kept his mouth shut; a quick, critical look around the suite was all that hinted to any disapproval. How his brother made an exhibition of his materialistic side was nothing new to him even though it had always vexed him. He had stopped looking through rose-coloured glass to try and see the shy, loving boy he abandoned a long time ago. There were still brothers, but a far cry from the boys they knew. ]

It's... [ Gaudy, showy. ] nice to finally be here.

What was it you wanted to say that you couldn't say outside?

[He wasn't in the mood to indulge in formalities or make small talk right now; at least, not with Noatak.]

That you should know while I can't stop you from alerting others of who I am [ He visibly faltered under his brother's scrutinizing gaze. However much he deserved to be handled so tersely, a large part of him wanted things to be as they once were. ] I just need to if you're going to do anything that'll put either of us in harm's way.

We're finding it difficult to garner much popularity here in case you haven't noticed.

Edited 2012-10-19 23:02 (UTC)

I know. I don't want to make anyone go after you, or anything like that. I will be careful, and I won't do anything right away.

...Can I trust you, if I don't say anything right away? [Trust him not to start any equalist type activities, he means.]

I'll stop tailing you, for one.

[ A promise not entirely set in stone, but easing up on such activities might stop any more bridges burning between them.

Noatak casually crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall in an attempt to belie how awkward he felt just standing there. That they were even talking to one another was surreal enough. ]

We're both stuck here, and I'm not going to pretend I have either the means or the desire to repeat what happened in the City. You can tell the others whatever you want if you think it won't blow up in your face.

Alright. I know this is difficult, but I don't think it will do you any good to keep hiding your identity, either. It will only be worse, the longer you hide it.

[He tries to keep standing tall - taller than his brother, which he found pretty surprising - but he slumped over a little. He was tired.]

I wish you would have come to me, back in Republic City. Before...you know.

I already said I'm not stopping you, and that's the best I can do. I've worn too many masks to know when I've taken one off.

[ Noatak had taken to finding the floor the most interesting thing in the room to look at. Tarrlok was taller now that he took notice of it. ]

We were both very set in our ways before that was ever an option. By then I convinced myself reaching out to you would have done us both harm. Or...that you wouldn't believe me.

I know. But I don't want anyone to hurt you, either. [Not because he doesn't harbor any anger, but because he thinks Noatak has still suffered enough, given what they both went through.]

I would have done something. [Or at least, he really likes to believe he would have.] You're my brother. I would have tried.

Nothing will happen to me, or you. Even if we're in opposition I won't let anything happen to us again. [ Noatak finally looked up at his brother, and smiled in spite of himself. However joyless it was than it was at least a reassured sort of stupid grin that cracked the ice in his demeanour. ]

I know you would have, but you weren't the only one who had changed. You wouldn't have found anything in Noatak while I wore that mask.

[ Despite Tarrlok's earlier reaction, Noatak chanced to reach out and lay a hand gingerly on his elbow. ]

It won't be like before, Tarrlok; if you'll trust me this time it won't be how it was when our father was alive.

[He flinches, but does not move away from his brother's touch this time.]

I want to trust you. I really do. You and mother were the last ones I ever...

[The last people he'd ever really cared about before he started trying to care for Republic City as a substitute for actual human interaction. Because it was too dangerous for someone of his family history to get close to anyone.]

But I just don't know, Noatak.

I won't force the issue; not this.

[ Noatak wasn't going to sit there and claim that his animosity for benders and the Avatar had dissipated just from coming here, but he had nothing to gain fighting with Tarrlok now. Call him sentimental or nostalgic or even hopeless, but he just wanted his brother back.

His brother at least had a city and the social skills to integrate himself into normal society. Noatak took his hatred and inability to find a substitute for what he'd lost and turned it into the Equalists. And they knew how that turned out.

Noatak sighed and made an odd, choked noise. ]

We're messed up, hollowed out people. Aren't we?

...I'm trying not to be. I can still do something.

[Something like save Republic City no matter what the cost. Because if he couldn't be the city's savior he'd just be nothing but Yakone's rejected son.]

It's all terribly ironic that we both wanted the same thing, and ended up fighting each other on opposite sides of the fence for it.

[ Noatak consciously didn't specify -- what did they want? To be the hero and saviour of the city? Or what is all more basic than that, and they just wanted to carve out a new, more accepted identity to forget the ones they shucked off so far out North. Acceptance and joy were far reaching, rarely attained goals in all honesty.

With some embarrassment he realized that he hand still hovered on his brother's arm, and he quietly retracted from him. ]

I should...I should go. You have the public to warn; I'll keep my head down for while. Not the first time I needed to.

Noatak, I...

[There's something he wants to say. Something just on the tip of his tongue. Something he's been wanting to say for the last twenty-six years, perhaps, something he regretted not saying the last time he saw his brother.

But he can't. No words come out.]

Yes. Just lay low for now. I'll see how it plays out.

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What we lost along the way.

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