tushanshu_logs | [OPEN] Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

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[OPEN] Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Characters: Zatanna & Jack
Date: Approximately a week-ish into March
Location: Park, Wood Sector
Situation: After basically avoiding each other due to Bottled-Up Awkward and Guilt, best friends reunite and make all the apologies.
Warnings/Rating: Possible discussions of Manipulation, Sex, Mind-control, and/or Death.

It was the sound of kedan children that stopped her in her tracks.

Specifically, the laughter and joy in their voices as they played some cross between frozen water tag and Red Rover. A game she had certainly never played before, and was suddenly questioning why. It looked fun. Fun enough for even a casual onlooker--particularly one who continually protested against any knowledge of how to approach or interact with anyone under the age of ten--to find themselves having fun just watching.

Before she realized it, she was even smiling.

The weeks had been long for Zatanna. After all the excitement of the Bottle, the subsequent calm proceeding it had been...eery. Considering everything. She had expected more. More outrage. More frustration. More blame. But what she found was almost none of those things, save for the continued internal battle waging within. A battle that talks with many of her friends, lunch with Kyle, and even a visit to Superman had yet to assuage. Especially the battle with Superman, whose continued presence in jail only further fueled her deepest fear that maybe...just maybe...it hadn't all been mind control.

She shook her head almost immediately, pushing those thoughts from her mind. No, this wasn't the time to dwell. This was the time to try and clear her head. That's why she'd gone for a walk in the Wood sector, after all. Enjoying the brisk fresh air and trying to get in some social interaction while, metaphorically and literally, putting one step in front of the other...

...except, when she turned to continue doing just that, she completely missed the small patch of ice on the sidewalk. Or, rather, her eyes did, but her foot slid almost immediately, throwing her balance and causing her to head towards solid ground at an alarming rate.

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Yet before she could completely fall, a strong grip caught her under her arms, the ice evaporating under her heel so that her feet found traction. Though he didn't say anything, the chill aura that pressed against her back left no doubt who had caught her and Jack set her back upright wordlessly before stepping back.

It all happened so fast, she barely had time to react.

One second, she was standing upright...and the next, the entirety of her weight was being supported with a pair of cold, strong arms. Very familiar arms, accompanied by an even more familiar chill as her back pressed against him. She gasped softly, recognizing the presence almost immediately, and waited until long after he had retreated back to turn around.

"Jack."

His name fell from her lips instinctively. How long had it been since she'd seen him? Since that day in the bottle? She didn't even know how to react, her face betraying nothing but genuine surprise as she scanned his face in hopes of finding something.

"...are you mad at me?"

Not exactly the first thing she would have planned to say to him. But it came out all the same.

Jack knew he should have left when she didn't say anything, a terrible hot clenching somewhere in his chest that would have left him short of breath if he'd breathed. He stopped when she spoke his name, fingers tightening on the staff and fighting the urge to pretend he just hadn't heard her and flying off without a backward glance.

Her question however, shattered that inclination and his expression morphed into one of bafflement like he hadn't heard her correctly, even though he knew that he had.

"... what?"

Her eyes lowered.

"It's...okay if you are. I'd understand. The things I said to you...the things I did..."

Help. Somebody. Anybody.

She wasn't ready for this. No amount of preparation could get her ready for something like this. Over a year of friendship. More than friendship. Gone. Destroyed by a stupid bottle, and her own inability to resist all the worst kinds of temptation. It had been easy enough to cling to the hope that maybe, just maybe, it would be okay after all. That's why she'd put off facing him for so long.

But now...

She couldn't put it off any longer.

"Wait, wait," he interrupted her, shaking his head. "Why would I be-- I'm the one who almost killed you. That's why you left the treehouse, right? So you didn't have to be near me, so you'd feel safe. And because I... ended up being the worst kind of friend: one who didn't think friendship was enough."

He looked away from her. "If I'm mad at anyone, it's myself."

Her head snapped up at that, brows rising nearly to her hairline before furrowing together in confusion. The more Jack spoke...her lips parted, waiting for the moment to interject but ultimately not knowing what to say. Why was he...? He he really...?

No way. It couldn't be....

"Jack," Still soft. Hesitant. But the urge to break down and cry (just not in front of him) was gradually leaving her. "What are you talking about? I'm the one who almost killed you. You let me go. I left you there. You tried to stop me, and I spat everything right back in your face in the worst way. I thought..."

She trailed off, because now she didn't know what she thought. An hand self-consciously went to her arm, lightly rubbing at it.

"I didn't want to see you hate me. That's why I stayed away."

"You weren't yourself," Jack answered with a shrug; not because he didn't care about it but because he was at a loss to explain just now completely it had taken hold of them. "Neither was I, at the time. Neither of us would have used our magics on each other like that in our right mind, so why would I blame you for that?"

Or be blamed in return, but that was a choice Zatanna had to make. Even still, Jack hadn't thought that played into her decision to vacate the treehouse... which left him with only conclusion.

"But the rest of what I did... I can't blame that on the statue." He raises his eyes to her for a moment, searching her expression, and looks away again.

"I'm sorry, I... should have fixed this before-- you had to find out."

It was like a weight slowly being lifted off her shoulders. How casually he spoke about it, like it really was a non-issue for him. Immediately falling to the same excuse that everyone else had offered her. It wasn't you. It wasn't me. Setting aside arguments about her personal feelings on the subject, she could feel nothing but immediate relief at his reaction....or, she would have, had it not been so overshadowed by confusion.

Part of her knew. Except she had been spending so much time worrying about the one subject that the other had completely slipped her mind. To the point where she tried to think back to what else had occurred between them and could only wonder if Jack was speaking of something else altogether.

"I don't...understand." She tried to meet his gaze, but it was his turn to look away. "Find out what?"

The sound Jack made was wounded, his posture closed and uncomfortable and he still refused to meet Zatanna's gaze. In his mind, this was avoidable if he'd just been a better person and he couldn't.

"Zatanna," he tried.

"Yes?"

Increasing confusion, but willing to be patient. He had already forgiven her. No. Not even. He reaffirmed that, in his mind, there was nothing to forgive. The least she could do was hear him out.

He can't do it; Zatanna's persisted confusion made things even worse. So he sought refuge in the method he'd always used: to flee. Air cushioned under his feet in the telltale precursor to taking to the air.

She recognized what he was about to do, and reacted on pure instinct.

"Jack, no, wait!" A hand reached for his, ignoring the sting of cold that came with the skin contact. "You don't have to--whatever it was I said, I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing!" he said, his voice raising though not quite to the level of a shout. He pulled his hand back from her reach, not wanting the contact at the moment. It reminded him that she'd so recently taken the time to craft that pendant just for him and he didn't deserve it, especially not now.

"You haven't-- I'm the one who screwed up! This whole time, all these months even before Dick left and I tried, to make it stop. I didn't want you to know but with everything, with what happened in the Dreaming and then with the statues, I..."

Realization hit her with full force, and her lips parted in surprise. How could it not? There was only one thing the events of the Dreaming realm had in common with the Statues...and it was her. It had always been her. He'd dreamed of them being together. Safe. Happy. And then, regardless of the statues influence, his first thought had been to claim her as his own...no matter what....

She didn't dare reach out to him a second time--not yet--less she risk him running away from her again. The last thing in the world she wanted.

"That's what's been bothering you." It came out low and soft as a whisper. There was none of the usual teasing behind it, despite the urge to do so in order to dispel the incredible tension between them. He was completely serious, and so was she. Serious...but not upset. Not at all, which she tried to convey by offering him a weak, but warm smile. "Jack...I know. I've known for a long time now. I just never realized..."

How strongly you felt. How much it's been hurting you inside.

Not knowing what else to do with her hands, she lightly wrapped them around herself. The faintest of laughs escaped her. Almost ironically so.

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because it's wrong!" he said, the urgency and anguish nearly choking the words out of him. "Because I didn't want to break the friendship that means more to me than anything!"

Pitch was right: I make a mess of everything.

In his own mind, Jack didn't understand why knowing that Zatanna liked someone else (someone he'd even considered a friend, a good guy, who treated her well) had not been enough to temper his own feelings. It wasn't even a case of jealousy, because that wasn't what he felt when he thought of them together. It was an anger at himself, at his inability to align his head and his heart; he genuinely felt that he was at fault here.

"You deserve far better, Zatanna."

That was an ironic statement if she'd ever heard one, considering how often she'd thought--mostly to herself, but sparingly aloud to others--how she didn't deserve to have someone like Jack in her life. He saw through her every fault and forgave without a single condition attatched. Even now. Listening to the reason why he was so genuinely upset, was further proof at how good a person he really was.

She shook her head.

"It's not wrong. Not even close. You think I would really get mad at you for something like this? Because, let me tell you, that's not how it works." And she forced a warm smile just for him. "Besides...you're kind of forgetting something important in all of this. Something...I don't think I can completely blame on the statue either."

His expression tightened a little when she disagreed so quickly, his pulled into tight fists that were balled at his sides. He had gotten a lot better at not letting his emotions influence the surrounding temperature but to touch, he was still sharply frigid, more than usual.

"What am I forgetting?"

"...you're forgetting the part where I kissed you first."

And it was true. The more she thought about it. Maybe he'd initiated with words, but it had been her actions. Willingly.

He blew out an exasperated breath. "We just finished saying that the statues made us do things we wouldn't normally--"

"No, you don't get it. I didn't just kiss you because the statues made me. I kissed you because I wanted to...."

Her voice trailed off for a moment, realization if her own words sinking in. And what they meant. She swallowed once, eyes lowering for a moment to try and collect what was left of her coherent thoughts, before continuing on at a much softer tone.

"The statues pushed me. Made it so that I wouldn't care if things went too far. But they didn't just create certain feelings out of nowhere. I could've just said no to you at any time. I could've walked away, like I did when you stopped me. Only I didn't."

Edited (I changed my mind.... >.>) 2014-03-07 23:22 (UTC)

"But it did go too far," he said slowly, though his tone made it more of a question than a rebuttal, his eyes searching hers for confirmation. "Because we don't... that's not what we are."

A question, yes, and one that didn't have a single answer. Not one she was capable of offering just yet.

"Then what are we?"

"I don't know," he replied hoarsely, looking away again, tone belying his doubt at the prospect. "Friends still, if you can overlook... this."

He was doubting again. She couldn't take it any longer; closing the gap between them, Zatanna reached up and wrapped her arms around him. The cold radiating from his body seeped through every layer of clothing between them. She didn't care. She held onto him as if he would disappear the moment she dared to let go.

(Which, given his current frame of mind, she wouldn't have been surprised if he did.)

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Frosty." For a time, she buried her face into the crook of his neck, turning her head to one side only so he could hear her when she added: "Besides...you promised me you wouldn't leave. I'm holding you to that."

He returned the embrace instinctively, though his limbs still remained taut with unease and a continued blame on himself. Jack really didn't expect it could be so simple, still felt like he was doing something wrong. And while he would be lying to say that he didn't feel some relief that she knew (had known?), it was overshadowed by a hundred other questions of what now.

"I know," he replied. "I'll make it up to you."

She'd held him enough times over the past year to know when he was holding back. Probably still blaming himself. For what? For something she'd all but admitted she was guilty of too. Then he mumbled something about making it up to her, and she couldn't help it. She laughed. It wasn't even ironic this time. The noise escaped her lips before she could stop herself, or burrow it inside the fabric of his hoodie.

Giving him one last squeeze, she pulled back just enough to meet him in the eye. No longer caring if he saw the slight glossiness to hers. And she smiled.

"Was kissing me really so bad of an experience that you think you have to make up for it?" A joke. Somewhat. Humor was how she always dealt with things in the past--why should now be any different? "Though, now I'm kind of curious as to how you would go about trying."

Jack didn't exactly know what to make of the laugh but figured it wasn't the worst reaction. His hand twitched a little when he saw that her eyes seemed damp but he didn't lift it like he normally would have. "It wasn't bad," he replied, only because leaving her tease unaddressed would have been more awkward.

"I'd think of something."

She shivered a little as the cold continued to seep through. Not enough to cause pain, but enough for it to be noticeable.

"You can start by relaxing a bit. I don't have the pendant on right now, remember?"

He stepped back almost before she finished speaking as soon as he felt the shiver, crossing his arms in front of him. "Right, yeah. My bad."

Jack cast around awkwardly for something else to say, having almost forgotten what situation had prompted this meeting.

Not really what she was going for, but hey. At least he wasn't trying to take off again. Or lapsing into another series of apologies. Because if he did, she would...

...

...well, it's a good thing he didn't.

The sound of laughter drew her attention once more, and she glanced over her shoulder to find the same group of kids still playing. The very reason why she had stopped in the first place. Which ultimately led to her crossing paths with Jack. Because of course. In hindsight? Not the best place to go when trying to avoid him.

She thought about making a mental note of that for next time, except for the part where she didn't want there to be a next time.

"So..." The silence was just as awkward for her, but she didn't want to part just yet. Hands coming up to absently rub at her forearms. "This is probably going to end up being obvious...but how come you were in the park?" In the right place at the right time?

Jack lifted a hand in the vague direction of the business quarter. "I was talking to some of the shopkeepers, about people who've... left," he said slowly. "Making sure that they're still willing to take on new arrivals. They want to know why people just stop coming to work and I... can't tell them."

She glanced that way, knowing fully well what he was talking about. It wasn't a secret. More and more disappearances. Sometimes, it seemed like there were announcements being made nearly every week. Multiple names at a time.

"Why not? They must know what's been going on."

"Because they want to know why, just like we do. They're worried, what if it stops being limited to the Foreigners? The kedan aren't originally from here either."

He sighed, frustration at the situation audible. "Nobody has any answers to that."

The part about the kedan not being from here...actually, that wasn't even new. Eva had mentioned it to her, a long time ago. She'd simply forgotten until Jack brought it up again.

"What do you think is happening?" She didn't expect him to have the answer any more than she did. But that wouldn't stop either of them from theorizing. "Do you think...with the last Emperor gone...we're all just going home, one at a time?"

"No," Jack answered with a surprisingly firm tone. "If Eshai was the only one who could have kept us here, there's no reason to have not sent us all back as a fail safe when she died. From a practical standpoint, there's nothing to be gained by us leaving one by one as opposed to all at once."

The abrupt resolution in his voice brought a smile to her face. He sounded...assertive. Confident.

"So who do you think we have to bribe around here to get an extension?" Because she didn't want to leave. Not yet.

It was easy -- almost too easy -- to fall back into their usual banter, driving home just how forced the distance they'd both been keeping from each other really had been. The divide wasn't entirely erased; there was a physical distance there yet, both of their postures closed.

"Still working on it," he said.

A distance she felt the moment she realized she was holding back from lightly bumping shoulders in retaliation.

"Well, work faster. Or I start breaking out the glacier jokes."

"Right. I'll bump it to the top of my schedule."

He wavered for a moment, then gestured in the general direction of their treehouse. "I'll... see you around."

A moment to realize what he was gesturing to, before she nodded with a faint smile. Of course she would move back in. Later that day.

"Unless...you want some company?" The offer was tentative. Unsure if he was trying to get away from her after the emotional roller coaster they'd just gone through. Or if he thought the same of her. "I don't have any major plans right now."

"... Maybe later," he replied. Despite the not-horrible way this conversation had gone, Jack still felt like he needed some more time to process everything.

That...actually hurt more than she thought it would. Considering the lingering tension between them. A slight, but noticeable pang in the pit of her stomach she tried to hide behind a mask of casualty.

"Alright." Glancing down at her feet for a moment, she shifted in place before looking back at him. "I'll be home later. If you need me for anything."

With that, she turned to head off. Making a mental note to let Korra know she'd be (finally) getting out of her hair as soon as possible.

If he realized her reaction, he gave no outward sign of it... but then, he'd been getting better at taming some of his more easily readable aspects. He only nodded to what she'd said.

"Okay. I'll be home after the fish shop closes for the night," he said, giving her an approximate time.

She nodded in acknowledgement of his words, but neither turned back nor said anything further.

Right then, she didn't trust herself enough to do either.

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[OPEN] Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

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