tushanshu_logs | And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close

Entry tags:

And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close

Characters: Hiro and Tadashi Hamada
Date: March 21st
Location: The Midnight Hotel
Situation: Tadashi's finally gotten wind of Hiro's presence on the turtle and goes looking for him. The thing is, Hiro's not expecting to see his brother again. Ever. This should be an interesting reunion.
Warnings/Rating: Probably mention of canon death. Sadness. FEELS.

[Tadashi moves through the hallways of the Midnight Hotel quickly, glancing down at the piece of paper in his hand for what must have been the twentieth time since he entered the building. He'd long since memorized the number he'd written there, but checking it was a compulsive action. Almost a comfort. Confirmation that he was drawing closer to his goal.

It seems silly now, how long he waited to chance asking for information about his brother. It wasn't because he was too proud (god no), but because after talking with people at the Welcome Center and a few locals, he'd been pretty convinced that Hiro simply hadn't made the jump between worlds with him. It wasn't all that common for people to show up in groups, or so they'd said, and between trying to acclimate to the city and his surprise nursing duties after meeting Callaghan and Akito, several days had passed before Tadashi really had the time to let his worry get the best of him. Sure, it wasn't likely that Hiro was in the city, but what if he was? What if he'd shown up somewhere else on the shell and had spent the last few days wandering alone? What if, what if, what if-?

And so those worries had led to questions, which led to answers, which led to this. To Tadashi standing standing outside a numbered door and feeling like a pretty crappy big brother for not trying harder sooner.

He's bouncing on his toes a little when he reaches up to adjust his hat with one hand, rapping at the door with the other and calling out to the person he hopes is inside. Not too loud, as he doesn't want to disturb anyone who might be in the rooms nearby, but hopefully loud enough to be heard alright through the door.]

Hiro? It's Tadashi. Are you in there?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[On the rare nights Hiro can sleep, he dreams of a world put back the way it's supposed to be.

He dreams of going to school with his brother. They share a lab, they share classes, they share each others' struggles and homework problems. Tadashi gets that big medical contract he's been dreaming of for Baymax, and now there's a Personal Healthcare Companion in every hospital caring for the sick and injured, helping a lot of people just like he wanted. The dreams never feature much of himself or his own accomplishments, but that's okay. What matters is that in them, Tadashi's happy and healthy and alive.

It's not real. It's never real. He always wakes up to an aching hole in his chest and an empty other half to their shared room, reminding him dreams are fake and nothing will ever really be right in the world again. Not anymore. It's not like a machine, where he can replace the missing part and everything goes back to running the way it should; there's no fixing this.

He's reached the point where, even in his sleep, he can stop the dreams before they begin by reminding his subconscious mind that Tadashi's gone and he's not coming back. Because it's easier not to have the dreams at all than to have them and then be let down by the harsh reality when he wakes up - to feel the pain of losing over and over again. Once is enough.

So at first, he ignores the knocking at his door and the accompanying faint voice that sounds like his brother's. It's just a dream; it can't be real, and if he lets it fool him he's only setting himself up to be hurt. Except it doesn't go away.

He fidgets in his sleep, knitting his fingers in the blankets and squeezing in frustration. Why can't this just go away? He's not sure when he fell asleep, or what time it is now. It can't be anybody come to tell him to quiet down again; he's not making any noise. Someone real is knocking, though, which means it can't be Tadashi and he's just imagining the voice.

He doesn't want to, but eventually he drags himself out of bed, wrapped in a blanket and a sleep-fog, and stumbles dizzy and confused to the door. He thinks somebody whose name he can't remember was right; he drank way too much strange, magically-replenishing coffee, and it's getting to him.

He cracks the door open, bleary-eyed and blinking as his eyes adjust to the light in the corridor outside.]

Don' wan' any room s-s-sssshiiit.

[Hiro stumbles back from the door in shock, his face gone white as the sheet he's wrapped in, and sits down hard on the floor with a thump. As if he's seen a ghost. May as well have. No, this has to be another dream, just that half his brain knows it and the other half is still working it out -]

No. [Which is the most eloquent objection he can muster to this unreality right now. He looks up, now that the door's wide open, and the figure there hasn't stopped wearing his dead brother's face or evaporated into dream stuff yet, and his barely-awake sleep-starved brain doesn't know how to get rid of it. So he wraps the blanket tighter around himself, squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head;] No. Nuh-uh. Nope.

[The door opens and a small part of Tadashi briefly tries to recall the last location of the swear jar before he remembers that the swear jar is currently in another dimension, and then Hiro's on the floor and any thoughts concerning swearing or jars go right out the window.

He was expecting surprise in some form or another, but nothing quite like this. Not that sudden pallor, and definitely not that shock and confusion bordering on horror. Tadashi steps inside without thinking, moving to crouch down beside his brother and lay a hand on his shoulder.]

Whoa, buddy, are you-

[But he doesn't quite make it, hand freezing in midair at that solid "no", and for a moment Tadashi simply hovers, unsure of what to do. He's never seen Hiro like this before. Hiro sulks. Hiro pouts. Hiro acts out. Hiro doesn't do... this. Did something happen?

God, what if he really did wait too long-]

Hiro, what's wrong? [Tadashi ducks his head down and smiles, small and hopeful. C'mon, kiddo, give him something to work with.] Are you okay? Are you hurt?

[Hiro shakes his head, eyes still squeezed tightly, stubbornly shut. No, he's not hurt. No, he's not okay. Everything is wrong and he's dreaming again and he knows, he knows it can't be real and yet, he wants it to be. Wants it so, so badly. There's so many things here that would be weird or impossible at home, but this one thing, he can't bring himself to believe.

And yet. And yet.

He hears his brother's voice, close enough to reach out and touch if he tried. Close enough Hiro can feel the warmth radiating off him. It feels real. A very tentative hand reaches out, searching until it finds something solid - jumps, startled, and then carefully grabs hold of what turns out to be Tadashi's arm.

And then he starts trembling.

Hiro opens his eyes, finally, fixing on what's definitely his brother's face with a look that's half confused, half mesmerized. Quietly:]

Tadashi...?

[Tadashi doesn't move when Hiro reaches out toward him, confused and afraid to startle this skittish kid that his little brother's suddenly become. He was figuring on some smack talk, a couple punches in the arm, and (if he was lucky) maybe a hug.]

That's me. [He debates with himself for a moment before reaching out slowly with his free arm to press the back of his hand to Hiro's forehead, still holding onto that gentle little smile. Still trying to figure out just what's happening here and how to fix it.]

You're not looking so hot, knucklehead. Too much coffee will do this to you.

[Hiro laughs. It's a jittery, nervous laugh, and there's not an ounce of humor in it, but he laughs. Because too much coffee is so far from the actual problem that it's laughable, and it's dumb and oblivious and exactly like Tadashi to not think anything worse than a caffeine overdose. Yeah, this is definitely Tadashi, for real.]

You think...you think that I... [His voice cracks on a high note, and it's not that he's three seconds from flying into hysterics or anything (okay maybe he is), it's just that this is all really overwhelming and he can't...keep it together. Can't think. He fumbles at Tadashi's wrist with both hands, tugging it from his forehead, no he does not have a fever you stupid....stupid.] Coffee? Really? What makes you think that's the problem, here?

I had to ask around to find you. A few people told me about the never-ending coffee.

[But yeah, probably not the coffee. He lets Hiro manipulate his arm, concern growing with every crack and nervous waver of his brother's voice. It feels like he's missing something here. Are a few days on his own really affecting Hiro that badly? Granted, the flying turtle thing is pretty messed up, but still...]

What's wrong? I can't help if you don't tell me.

[What's wrong? Hiro freezes in place, mouth half-open, staring at his brother in outright confusion because to him it seems like it should be obvious, it's a three story wall of flames and smothering heat and horrifying certainty and he can't see how Tadashi could just overlook something like that -

He searches Tadashi's face, though, and he finds nothing. And it dawns on him slowly:

Tadashi doesn't know.

People told him death was strange here, they told him dead people happened sometimes. Nobody had said that maybe they didn't know they were dead.]

You -

[You died. He almost says it - he comes close, but he looks at his brother and Tadashi's just glad to see him, of course, if a little worried, and he can't. His tongue sticks to the roof of his mouth and he can't force the words out.

So he doesn't. And it feels like the worst, most wrong secret he's ever kept, worse than the bot fighting, worse than the times he got kicked around at school and covered it up with lies and long-sleeved sweaters, worse than so many things he can think of that he's lied about before. But he clamps his mouth shut, looks away and doesn't breathe a word of it. If Tadashi doesn't know, he'll be better off, happier not knowing.

Take a breath. Several breaths, maybe too quick and too shallow, but he can't help it -]

I don't, I dunno, I didn't think I was gonna see you or Aunt Cass or anybody again - [A little lie, a little truth. Maybe it's more convincing that way.] Maybe it's the coffee after all. Maybe - I don't. feel so good.

[More lie than truth. But he looks down at his shaking hands, clamped down on Tadashi's wrist, and thinks maybe the coffee is a good excuse after all. It's reasonable, he can get by with it.]

[Tadashi glances down at those hands on his wrist and, instead of trying to pry them off, he lays his free hand over top, craning his neck to the side a bit in an effort to catch Hiro's eyes.]

It's gonna to be alright. [There's only a moment of hesitation before he moves again, this time to throw that free arm around his little brother so he can pull him into a tight hug. His voice is a bit softer when he speaks again, but still calm and kind and laced with regret.]I'm sorry I didn't come sooner.

[Because that's the worst part in his eyes, that he left Hiro on his own, but without no satellite GPS to rely on and nary a little brother in sight on arrival, he'd simply assumed that Hiro didn't make the leap with him.

He'd assumed wrong.]

[Hiro looks up again, staring wide-eyed, choking on a protest; there's so much wrong with that apology he doesn't even know where to start, and he couldn't anyway because that would mean telling him the truth, and he's not sure Tadashi should hear that. Ever.]

No, no, no - [He's still protesting, even as he's pulled into a hug, squirming to get an angle where he can thread his fingers tightly in Tadashi's shirt collar and tug with forceful insistence. All he could've asked for was his stupid, clueless brother back, and he wouldn't have cared if it'd been a week or a month or even a year. It doesn't matter a bit that maybe he took a week to get this far. That Tadashi's here at all is the only thing Hiro cares about; the details seem so trivial, in comparison.] - Stupid. Don't apologize, c'mon, you didn't know -

[It's impulse, mostly, that drives him to hug back for the first time since before he was a preteen and decided it wasn't cool, throwing his arms around his brother's neck and burying his face in his shirt in a desperate attempt to prove he's okay and it's fine. Impulse, and because he missed his brother and never thought he'd see him again at all.]

Please don't apologize. I don't care. You're here now, okay? That's all that counts.

Edited 2015-03-26 05:58 (UTC)

[The hug is a pleasant surprise. Or as pleasant a surprise as can be managed at the moment. It'd be nicer without that edge of desperation to it. Without the knowledge of what his little brother must've been thinking during the days he spent alone. No family, no friends, all alone...]

I care, bonehead. [He'll always care, but he doesn't apologize again. Instead he takes a few moments to do the slightly selfish thing and quietly enjoy this rare embrace, arms wrapped solidly around his brother and one cheek mashed into the fluffy wreck that Hiro calls hair.]

M'not going anywhere now. You're stuck with me.

[Hiro's silent for a long time, biting his lip and tilting his chin down so Tadashi can't see his face, hidden under all that godawful bedhead.

He feels sick. Actually, he feels a lot of things right now; he's beyond happy to have his brother back, but then there's guilt, too, for the lies he's fostering, settled in the pit of his stomach like a lead weight. And fear, because he wants to believe Tadashi's not going anywhere, but what if it's not true? This place is strange, and he can't trust anything with certainty anymore.

Outwardly, the only evidence is his still-faint trembling, the way he fidgets uncomfortably and tightens his grip on his brother, maybe too tight and too clingy for comfort. Maybe he really did have too much coffee, or maybe he's just feeling way too many things right now.]

...Don't feel good. [He swallows hard. A beat.] You're sure you're not going anywhere?

[The outward evidence may be subtle, but it's more than enough. Plenty for the guy who's known Hiro literally since his day of birth. Who knows his ins and outs and ups and downs and just about everything in between. He's not a mind reader, of course, or they'd be having a very different conversation right now, but Hiro's not right.

Hiro's not okay, and Tadashi has a job to do.]

There's no place in the world more important for me to be than here.

[After a few more moments he pulls back just a bit, moving to try and get another look at his little brother's face.]

You, however, should probably be in bed. You look like you could use some rest.

[Hiro doesn't even have the heart to protest; right now he'd probably tolerate all the fussing in the world if it meant Tadashi wasn't going anywhere. Which is why, little by little, he finally finds himself coaxed into looking up at his brother. There's bags under his eyes that were there before he ever arrived on the turtle and his hair is an obvious trainwreck, but he smiles faintly.]

I was in bed, til' you knocked on the door. What time is it, anyway? [He releases his death grip on Tadashi's neck to try and rub the tired from his eyes, glancing around the room for a clock or something to tell him how long he was in bed.] I was working on the garage door 'fore that, payment for the room, but I dunno how long it's been...it was late. Like four a.m. late, I think.

Edited 2015-03-30 02:40 (UTC)

[Watch what you say, Hiro. Looking like that is going to get you fussed over a lot. Prepare yourself.

He checks his watch.]

A little after noon. I think that's right, anyway. My time was way off when I woke up here. [And his phone died the day before, not that the clock on that would've been any more useful.

Buuuut since Hiro's released that death grip, that gives Tadashi room to slide his arms underneath his little brother and pick him right up off the floor. Back to bed with you, sir.]

I hereby give you permission to sleep the rest of the day away if you need to. And no more coffee.

[Okay maybe not that much fussing. Hiro kicks up a protest to being picked up, not that it does him much good already bundled in a blanket as he is. He groans and flops back limp in his brother's arm, passing a hand over his face and covering his eyes. Dramatic.]

Oh come oooooon...the rest of the day? I can still do math, I got.... [Okay, wait, he needs a second.] ...eight hours. That's plenty. 'Sides, I have a job to do...

[And he's not sure he could go back to sleep if he tried. He's a little scared to. What if he wakes up and Tadashi's gone? He peaks out from behind his hand, pouting at his brother.]

No more coffee?

[Too late, Hiro. Little brother burritos aren't very effective in battle.]

For someone who just got eight hours, that math sure took a long time. Even if you're not going to sleep, I think the door can wait for a little while. [Either way Tadashi's going to go ahead and walk them both of them over to Hiro's bed so he can (gently) dump baby bro back into it, settling on the edge beside him right after.]

No coffee until you work through this crash. You're hands are still all jittery, knucklehead.

[Little brother burrito flops facedown onto the bed, a lump that rises and falls sharply as he huffs into the mattress in frustration. He feels the bed dip and creak as Tadashi sits down next to him, yet another small reminder that he's real and not just some figment of Hiro's tired imagination. Probably.

After a moment he rolls onto his side, facing Tadashi, and realizing his hands really are still shaking wraps both arms around himself and tucks them stubbornly away into his armpits to stop them.]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[And then he's quiet, for a long moment, faintly smiling and looking up at his brother with something like a cross between wonder and confusion - which he doesn't realize at first he's doing. When he does, he pipes up again to break the awkward silence.]

Hey, Tadashi? If I do go to sleep...you still gonna be here when I wake up?

{Suuuure you don't, Hiro, but since you look like you've had a hard time, Tadashi won't razz you about it anymore.]

'Course. [He reaches over and plunks a hand down in Hiro's bedhead, ruffling it gently and smiling down at him. This feels a little like when Hiro was small. When he was more prone to nightmares and Tadashi was still young enough for both of them to fit comfortably in one bed.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[Tadashi couldn't possibly know how much it feels like waking from a nightmare - one that's gone on for weeks, filled with fire and then rain and then a house full of well-wishers with their condolences that feels all the more empty for it. And then...nothing. No Tadashi, no future, just a numb sort of quiet full of grief. And now somehow the nightmare's over, and here he is, waking up, and Tadashi's here to ruffle his hair and tell him it's okay. He's fourteen and he thinks he's too old for this kind of stuff, but after everything that's happened, he's grateful to have it; gradually the jitters ease away, and he's able to relax more.

It's not the same as waking up at home, in his own bed, to find out Tadashi's okay and it was all just a bad dream and everything's still normal. But it'll do.]

You said it three times, so it's gotta be true, 'cuz this turtle's weird and there's magic and junk so maybe superstitious stuff applies too. [And now he's rambling quietly, because maybe if he talks himself out he'll either fall asleep or something else will happen.] ...Missed you.

[That bit's quieter, and maybe a little thicker. Technically true. Just not the way Tadashi thinks.]

[He's said it three times, and he'll say it again. He'll say it until Hiro's sick and tired of hearing it, and then he'll say it some more because he needs Hiro to know. Because he'll forever feel guilty for leaving Hiro on his own in a strange new place, and he has no intention of letting it happen again.

Shame these sorts of things aren't always in his control, huh? But he doesn't need to know about that yet.]

Missed you too. [And since everyone's being honest (sort of)...] Had me worried when I woke up here and couldn't find you.

[Hiro wishes he could say the same, but for obvious reasons he hadn't spared much worry for his brother. He glances away, uncomfortable, biting his lip and trying to put on his best disarming smile, trying to convince his brother to stop worrying so much about the time they were separated. Tadashi's guilt bothers him. He doesn't like it.

This keeping secrets thing is gonna get exhausting really fast.]

Worried about me? Aw, you shouldn't have. But for real - [He punches Tadashi's arm lightly, a wholly more steady gesture than he could've managed a few minutes ago.] - I was fine. I can take care of myself. [...Sort of. Frown. That's beside the point, the point is Tadashi's not nearly selfish enough for his own good. Hiro knows this way too well.]

Worry less about me and more about yourself, you got dropped on the turtle with no warning too. Where were you, if you weren't here? Please tell me you weren't sleeping outside. It's cold.

[Tadashi's spent his whole life being the most altruistic dork he can be. He's not going to start being selfish now.

He tips the bill of his cap back briefly donning a cocky grin.]

C'mon, would I look this good if I'd been sleeping outside? [And he does look pretty well put together. Clean (if slightly rumpled) clothes, clean hair under that old hat, and expressions and posture that speak of someone who's been getting far more sleep than Hiro has.]

Oh, man, I didn't tell you. Did you know that Professor Callaghan's here, too? I ran into him on my second day. Actually, I ran into a student of his first. Poor kid was pretty sick, so I spent the last few days at his place making sure he stayed in bed.

[... He woke up on a turtle, spent his first few hours searching for Hiro, and then spent the rest of his time caring for the first sick teenager he could find.

This is your brother, Hiro. Congratulations.]

[Hiro rolls his eyes.]

So you spent a few days making him stay in bed, and now you're here...making me stay in bed. [He's sort of mumbling now, because he's tired and sleepy. But also faintly annoyed.] Are you ever not some kind of weird 'n....stupidly perfect angel...to everybody you meet? M'not sure we're related.

[That stupid, cocky grin, plus the fact that he somehow manages to still look neat and tidy despite the exceptional circumstances, earns him another punch in the arm - this one a little rougher, but significantly less coordinated, because he may, in fact, be trying to lose consciousness completely. Stupid.]

Krei told me 'bout Callaghan. [A beat.] They really don't like each other.

[You can't be annoyed with him for long, Hiro. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.]

Nobody's perfect, but I appreciate the compliment. [He actually reacts to the punch this time, not quite able to hide his grin as he tries for a belated evasion.]

Mr. Krei is actually the one who gave me your room number. [But... yeah. Hiro's picked up on something there.] You're definitely not wrong about that. Callaghan's never been too keen on him...

[It is true. He can't even maintain the appearance of anger for more than a couple of seconds before he's grinning faintly again. No more punching. Just sprawling across the mattress with a hand reaching in Tadashi's general direction. Maybe it's because until not that long ago he was dead, or maybe it's just Tadashi's natural charm.]

They were weird at each other at the expo. Please tell me they're not gonna be like that all the time. We're all stuck here together in the stone age, might as well try'n get along.

[He's smart enough to understand something's off between them, but too much of a kid for anybody to tell him what it is, so instead he gets to watch the tensions boil and be confused. Lame.

Hiro drowses, heavy eyelids trying to drift shut on him, and for a few long moments he's quiet. He can't believe he's sleepy. He doesn't want to go to sleep. There's still that faint, baseline fear of sleep running through him, and yet, he's having trouble keeping his eyes open.

His fingers twitch, and after a second he reaches for Tadashi's wrist, tugging firmly and fixing him with the most dead serious sleepy look he can manage.]

Hey. [Should've stopped him from going, before. Should've made him stay, kept him from running into that building.] Don't leave me here.

That was the first time I ever saw them talk face-to-face. [Don't worry, bro, even Tadashi doesn't know what went down between them to make things so mangry. All he's got to work with are things he's heard in the lab. Callaghan changing the subject whenever Krei Tech came up, tense comments when he thought no one could hear him. So many unhappy faces...]

Shruuuuug.] I'm sure they can work it out if they try. Maybe we can help...

[He watches those eyelids lower, and for a moment Tadashi's sure that Hiro's going to drift off on him. Tadashi doesn't fight that tug, instead waiting a moment before carefully switching the grip around so he can clasp their hands together, smiling down at his little brother.]

Need me to say it a fourth time?

[Hiro scrunches his face and shakes his head; he's heard it three times now, enough to know Tadashi would say it a hundred more if he asked. He doesn't need any more words or platitudes; he just needs his brother. And for now, he has him. He doesn't say anything. Just squeezes Tadashi's hand tightly and doesn't let go, sleepy but insistent. He couldn't say anything to explain himself, anyway, without telling more than he's already told.

After that, he's quiet, until gradually his eyes slip shut and his breathing evens out and he's well and truly asleep in spite of himself. Still holding onto Tadashi's hand, and it's probably the most soundly he's slept in weeks.

Maybe it'll stay that way.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

And I get the feeling that you're somewhere close

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject