tushanshu_logs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Kylo Ren and open
Date: August
Location: Keeliai
Situation: Catch-all post
Warnings/Rating: (mild?) violence

#1: early August

If you happened to visit Kylo Ren in the first days of August, you would find him packing up the few belongings he had gathered during his stay on Tu Vishan, or if you were very lucky, you might even witness the movers he had hired to have him disappear from Sky Sector with as little fuss as possible.

With Phasma gone, the house in the Sky Sector had become a location far too well-known for his comfort, and if a change of scenery would conceal Phasma's disappearance for a while, all the better. Inhabitants of the Fire Sector would run into him an awful lot there all of a sudden, and indeed he had gotten an apartment near the industrial sector.

#2: August

Too bad his new solitude didn't work out too well. Or rather, didn't last too long. All of a sudden Kylo Ren could be seen in the company of several Kin'nal, and looking none too happy about his new friends. So much for him and Hux talking of the need for humanitarian aid, such things always come back to haunt you... sometimes quite literally, by moving in with you.

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Three days of sleeping, hurting, healing, feeling sorry for himself. They hadn't been terribly good days, to say the least, and being stuck in a medbay again a few mere months after the damage he had taken at Starkiller Base sure didn't make it any more palatable.

And yet he would have been perfectly happy sleeping and healing for another couple of days, if only to avoid the conversation he could see coming as soon as he caught sight of Raine approaching his bed. She would know that he was feeling better, and... Well, that meant it was time for consequences. More like, Consequences with a capital C.

To have a master who cared to wait till he felt up to their chiding was bizarre enough, yet odder that he felt reasonably confident it would remain at words. She didn't seem the type to heal damage only to inflict it all over again, or so he tried to tell himself.

He looked right into her eyes when she approached him. Better to get it over with. He'd never liked waiting games. "You've got to be furious."

Furious was about where Raine had been, initially, but it wouldn't help to yell at someone so injured; the pain would overwrite the inclination to listen, she thought, and in any case where it came to Kylo Ren she very purposefully wanted to avoid associating pain with correction.

At his bedside she stopped, and folded her arms across her chest. She didn't look pleased; but she didn't look thunderous, either. "Disappointed," she said, levelly. "I'm not discounting the fact that you were exposed to a mind-altering agent, even secondarily, which is why I'm not as angry with you as I might otherwise have been." And she had been, at first, when she'd found out what happened, and there had been the spark of temper that usually went with the sheer frustration of a student utterly failing to listen. She did not, as it happened, teach solely to hear herself talk.

It was always better when Raine didn't deal with those things immediately. "I hope you're aware of how much worse things could have been," she added, frowning at him.

The courage to meet her eyes sure didn't last long, and when she stood at his bedside and voiced her disappointment he could not help but feel tense, braced for anything. She wasn't Snoke, nor was she overwhelmingly powerful like his Master was, he didn't think so anyway, but he had learned to think of teachers as someone whose anger and punishments were to be feared. It was hard to shake off that expectation, all the more so on a day that left you feeling particularly vulnerable.

"You mean, she could be dead for good," he said quietly, and yes, that prospect shook him up. Not because he suddenly opposed killing, or even because he wouldn't kill people who liked him anymore, but... "I didn't want to kill her. I had no control over myself." He'd lashed out like a thing out of control, after all these months of holding his temper when it counted. "And it shouldn't have happened at the Healer's Guild. That was wrong."

Everything about that situation was wrong, and now Raine was disappointed. Which might be worse than furious. Good job.

Raine nodded. It gained some approval from her, that Kylo was aware of exactly how badly he'd erred, that he wasn't trying to defend it or justify it. "No," she said, "it shouldn't have. You are exceptionally fortunate there wasn't much in the way of collateral damage."

She was quiet for another few moments, looking her student over with a sharp eye. "How much of that was the Dust?" she asked at length, more quietly than she had been. "Your best assessment. I know you have difficulties with control in the first place; were you exposed to more than you anticipated?"

He'd said he didn't want to kill his opponent, and Raine was inclined to believe that, but Kylo himself had been the one to tell her he didn't have the best of control. She wanted to be sure, and not only that, she wanted to hear what he would tell her about it.

That was the problem with this new teacher. She did not break into his mind and take what she wanted. No, she expected him to share. That was far kinder, and yet more intimidating in some ways. People didn't really expect things like that of him, not since... Not since before.

He swallowed hard. His eyes remained fixed on his blanket. He picked at a loose thread. "I lose control when I get angry." His thoughts returned to the Finalizer, to the red blur of his lightsaber leaving behind nothing but shattered, sparking consoles. "But I don't attack people... often. I know to turn my anger on objects. General Hux wouldn't stand for me murdering his troops at a whim, and my Master wouldn't stand for me murdering Hux if he objected."

Was there more reason for his restraint? He wasn't sure, or rather, didn't wish to examine it, just like he shied away from thinking of how much it had been the Dust controlling him.

Wouldn't stand for murdering them. Raine shook her head. There were... worse reasons not to harm people, but the fundamental lack of control under that was deeply worrying, especially in a man she was reasonably certain was older than she was.

"In other words, the Dust was a definite factor in your behavior. Hm." That was both good and bad; good in that Kylo was not quite that far out of control of himself, and bad in what it said for how easy it could be to compromise his control in the future.

She leaned against the edge of the bed now, arms still folded despite the little bit of softening in her posture. "Do you understand all of why I'm disappointed with you, and why this is such a concerning development?"

He had to think about that, both about the question itself and how he wished to answer it. It was very tempting to fake the guilt she would want to hear, but he wasn't sure if she would buy that. And if she didn't he would be in trouble for real.

"You're concerned that I'm going to lose control and hurt someone I'm not supposed to hurt," he said finally, "speak you, your employees or patients. I'd wager you are particularly concerned I would kill a kedan, as, if I understand this right, they don't come back to life like we Foreigners do."

Kylo kept fiddling with the loose thread. It was a very long time indeed since someone had last told him to think about what he had done. He did not exactly remember how. "It won't happen again." He looked up to meet Raine's eyes. "I wish I hadn't harmed Heather. She's... good company." A friend, anybody else would have said, but the concept of having friends was foreign as well.

Raine inclined her head in assent, slow and measured. He had part of it, at least. "Thus far, you've done well at not doing so," she said. It was part of why she was inclined to give him credit on this front. "However, you yourself have acknowledged your temper issues. That, combined with knowing what we were working with, ought to have made you doubly cautious; it's much easier to shake off mental influence when you're aware it's happening. The other matter, which you've missed..."

There was a brief silence, wherein Raine worked out the phrasing of what she wanted to say. She didn't think he'd much like it, given his previous insistence on the methods in which he'd been trained, and the utility of anger for power, but it would need to be said regardless. "I had planned not to say anything for a while yet, since we're attempting to respect each other's learning and teaching methods, but this has pressed the matter a little. Kylo. Your temper and reliance on anger are going to make you easy to control, and so long as the cultists are using Dust as a weapon, you will be a potential threat to everyone, whether you intend to be or not. Do you understand why I'm saying this?"

All the while she kept her tone the same cool evenness, not judging or condeming, simply laying out bare facts as she saw them and checking for her student's comprehension.

His expression darkened into a scowl as she pointed out the mistakes he had made. Truth was, he should have done better, being forewarned of the effects of the Dust. But he'd been holding back for all these months since arrived on Tu Vishan, and it had felt good to let go...

Kylo gritted his teeth, glaring at Raine though she didn't seem accusing at all now. It was hard not to feel put on the spot anyway, most of all when he felt his own failure so keenly. "I'm not easy to control!" he insisted. "My anger makes me strong. It's the source of my power in the Dark Side. Anger, passion, even pain, they will permit me to unleash my full potential and take my place as my grandfather's true heir."

Except that he had been controlled. He'd been made a fool of by a little bit of black powder...

"It won't happen again, isn't that good enough for you?!"

He was making her point for her, really. Raine debated only briefly before pressing onward, electing to make an effort she sincerely hoped she would not later regret.

"It would be," she said, "if I thought you could promise me that with any sincerity." She tilted her head as though the change in angle would reveal something different about him to her, and when she pressed on it was blunt. "You won't mean to, I'm sure. But you didn't mean to this time, either. Your anger, untempered, makes you weak, Kylo. It makes it easy for anyone save yourself to control you, chemicals or not."

As Raine was saying all this, she was mentally lining up an arte, made of the simplest flow of mana and the feeling of safety; it struck her as a truly foolish idea to intentionally provoke Kylo Ren without having some defense prepared.

He had really tried to be graceful about his situation. About emerging from the rage to find Heather dead - but not gone for good, he had been reassured - and himself badly injured, about being bedridden and knowing he had shed blood when for once he didn't choose to.

He had really tried his best.

But this? This was a little bit more than he could bear with good grace. It cut far too deep, his new Master giving voice to all these buried fears he had been suppressing for years, the certainty at the back of his mind what an easily wielded tool he was in his Master's hand.

"I am not weak!" Kylo growled, one hand flying up, and with a burst of telekinesis he sent the bedside table on the other, unused, bed toppling over. He sat up, shoulders trembling with the effort it took not to just plain throw himself at Raine. "The Dark Side makes me stronger than you could ever fathom, you with your weak Jedi healing and your compassion!" He growled. "And I will not be controlled! Never again!"

Raine did not flinch, though her hands flexed like she was thinking about doing something with them. She tracked the bedside table until it settled, upended, and then she turned a dispassionate gaze back on Kylo Ren.

This might, she knew, be a terrible idea; but she did after all have a failsafe, and the point needed to be made, and she judged that it needed to be made more thoroughly than she had already said in order for it to stick.

"All that I have witnessed says it makes you a destroyer of property and people," Raine said, tone cool. "Your 'restraint' consists of harming objects instead of people, and evidently you cannot even reliably do that. You are in theory a man grown, but given power you act like a petulant child. The strongest person I know could afford the compassion to give his worst enemy a second chance; by comparison, you are weak, unable even to recognize when someone else is controlling you."

All that much further and she'd start to sound like a Grand Cardinal, Raine reflected distantly, but she kept the grimace mental and her face impassive.

He was seething, just utterly seething. Sometimes he had been able to go for days pretending that he was almost normal, but then the restraint had eaten at him all the harder. For months, and months...

But he had tried.

Raine's cold, unimpressed voice cut through all his protective layers, right to that core where only his Master could touch him anymore these days. The same scorn, the same accusations, too weak...

...his father, speaking of Snoke controlling him, knowing it is true, but it's too late...

"I'm not weak!" Kylo howled as he threw himself from the bed right at her, driven by some vague unformed idea of attack. He wasn't even holding his lightsaber this time, but he just, "stop it, I'm not a puppet!"

There was the snap Raine had been expecting. As soon as motion registered she pushed herself backward, off the bed to a solid stance on the floor, and her hands came up in front of her, palms out as though to ward him off. "Force field," she said, like it was an order, and abruptly she was not attempting to stop Kylo's progress with hands alone, but with a green bubble of surprising solidity despite its flimsy appearance.

According to previous calculation, it should absorb about eighty percent of his momentum. The rest she would deal with if and when he made contact.

While Kylo had had some vague awareness that Raine's powers went beyond healing he had never given these powers much thought. They weren't of interest to him, since they couldn't possibly be stronger than the Force.

He gave a surprised snarl when his body hit the green shield. It had some give, but since he didn't have a lot of momentum it held him off quite effectively, sheer surprise doing the rest to have him rearing back.

"What's that?" he snapped, eyes narrowed at Raine as if she had personally offended him.

The shield vanished as quickly as it had come, and Raine frowned right back at Kylo. "It's a shield," she said. It hadn't been the query she expected. "A simple self-defense technique. It varies slightly from person to person."

Judging that he likely wasn't about to fling himself at her again, she crossed her arms. His greater height was much more noticeable this way, but Raine refused to show any sign of intimidation. "You're still healing," she said, disapproving. "My apologies; I felt it necessary to make a point."

She tilted her chin up, the better to meet his gaze, and went on as though it were just another lesson. "It took a minute, perhaps two, for me to provoke you into doing something that by your own words you ordinarily wouldn't."

His throat kept working as he forced himself to sink back into the pillows and lay still. Tried to recall these old meditation teachers he had learned in his Uncle's Praxeum in another life, to center himself when he was raging, to release his anger into the Force.

But too much in him held on to it, too frightened of releasing what he had been taught was the source of his power. Even if it was only blinding him right now.

Kylo snorted bitterly. "You've made your point thoroughly, Master." There was a sneer to that for the first time, a hint of bitterness. He looked stubbornly down at the blankets. "You've showed you can make a fool of me. Congratulations. You wouldn't be the first one."

Master again; she was no-one's master. "How many times must I--" Raine started, and cut herself off mid-snap, breathing long and deep. Now was not the time, no matter how many levels the title bothered her on. She flexed her fingers again, and leaned her hip on the edge of the bed, her demeanour cooling again as she looked, really looked at her student.

"Do you honestly believe I would set out purely to humiliate you, especially while you're injured?" she wondered aloud. She was frowning; but this time it was more troubled than disapproving. She didn't know if it was worse reflection on her, or the teacher who had had him before. "My point, Kylo, is that your... difficulties... with anger will likely be used against you someday, by someone genuinely skilled at manipulating people. It's my responsibility as your teacher to ensure you're aware of your weaknesses, so that you can account for and fix them. I simply wanted to see if you had the control you believed you did, and you have my apologies for the method."

Perhaps she should have been more patient, but he had not seemed receptive to the idea of anger management at first.

Raine sighed then, and shook her head. "It isn't a sin, to be weak," she said, more softly. "But this issue will hinder your potential, and there's a risk that you may hurt someone you care for again. Frankly, I'm surprised your previous teacher didn't address this better with you." A dark suspicion was stirring about that, which Raine mentally examined and let sit for the moment. In any case, it wouldn't do her any good to attempt to shake Kylo's trust in that teacher now.

Edited 2016-09-15 06:30 (UTC)

"Because he understood that my anger is the source of my strength," he insisted, though there was an edge of being defeated to his voice. She was getting to him in so many ways, but pride and determination were making him unwilling to budge. At least not outwardly.

But it was hard, especially when Raine was wording it like this - not pointing out the flaws she saw in him, but speaking of making him stronger and better. Wasn't that what a teacher should do?

"He has fed my rage," he said stubbornly, "the Supreme Leader sees strength in it." His face tightened. "He taught me to cut off all the pieces of myself that have no place on the Dark Side... it's my own fault for not being good enough. I should have proven myself worthy of him already. But anger didn't help me, and neither did ridding myself of my past. I'm still weak." He looked up, frowning at Raine. "I'm angriest when I'm angry with myself and my own weakness... when I realize that I can never live up to Darth Vader's legacy, or be worthy of being Snoke's apprentice. I can't soften, I will let the Light Side in again, and then I'll be too weak to do what needs to be done when I get home."

"Is it?" Raine asked levelly. Thus far, his anger appeared to be the source of his weakness.

But he was already having a difficult enough time with the idea that anger might not be a good thing to rely on over-much. Raine opted to address slightly different issues.

"It isn't your fault," she said, matter-of-fact, like there wasn't any room for there to be a question about it. "If a student is putting in the effort, it's the teacher's responsibility to meet them half-way; it isn't a unilateral relationship. Not to mention that being angry with yourself is counter-productive if you plan to use it for power: all that will do is direct your power at yourself, and you don't deserve your hatred." Raine tilted her head a little, as though the different angle would reveal something new. "Why do you need so badly to be strong, Kylo? What do you want power for?"

It had been a very, very long time since he felt so much like a child as he did in this moment. And yet it wasn't a bad feeling, not as such. The kindness Raine treated him with might have been terrifying in so many ways, and yet he felt comforted by it. Calmed, even. Safe, in a way he didn't wish to think about.

You don't deserve your hatred. Nobody had ever told him that, certainly not Snoke who built him up and tore him down.

"I have to live up to my grandfather," he offered tentatively. Whatever bravado had been to his voice had disappeared along with the anger. "Darth Vader was the greatest Sith ever, in the end he defeated even the great Darth Sidious. I should be his heir, Snoke says I could be greater than Vader if I purify myself. His strength runs in my blood. But no matter how hard I try, I can't... I don't have his strength and dedication." He sighed, looking down at the blankets morosely. "I inherited his raw power, but also his weakness. Darth Vader defeated Darth Sidious, but he died to save his son. Compassion killed him."

"What parent wouldn't?" Raine returned, with a little shrug. "It's better to survive for your childrens' sakes, naturally, but sometimes that option simply doesn't exist. Better then to do what you can to ensure the future." This was getting more personal than she had initially intended-- she knew too many good friends who had lost family in that way, and there was her own family, as well. The pain of those losses would never be enjoyable, but because of them she and hers were here, and now, and so she could not entirely regret them.

Raine sighed quietly. She could understand why compassion was seen as weakness, but the willingness to extend it despite vulnerability was nothing but strength, in truth. Still, that was an ideological difference she did not expect to win. Not now, at the least. "If you must live up to your grandfather, I suspect taking him by pieces does him a disservice. Your greatest Sith was also someone who had the determination to ensure his son survived, no matter the cost. That's not such a terrible thing."

What parent wouldn't?

He felt the phantom touch of his father's hand on his cheek again, and the look of love in his eyes that had never faltered even as the life seeped out of him.

"Maybe... I never thought of it like that." He fiddled with the blankets. "He chose what he wanted, and he was willing to pay even the highest price to attain it." He gulped. "I thought I had made the highest sacrifice, but I didn't feel stronger for it. It weakened me." And he'd since had to live with the knowledge that this sacrifice had been for naught.

"Do you have anything for which you would make such a sacrifice?"

The highest sacrifice. Raine wasn't sure she wanted to know what he meant; but she had enough misgivings about Kylo Ren that she rather thought she would need to know, sooner or later.

"Sacrifices," she began levelly, "are rarely for one's own benefit." But she was considering his question, and in a moment she inclined her head, agreeing.

"I believe I've mentioned my younger brother to you. I raised him, after..." No. No, Virginia wouldn't come into this. "I raised him from infancy," Raine amended. "In many respects, I suppose I'm a mother to him, after all. If it was necessary, yes, I would give up my life for his, without another thought." There were others-- but all more complex in terms of the qualifications. Raine left it at Genis for now. "I could be satisfied, knowing my brother would be safe."

He shifted, discomfitted by the answer though he now realized he should have expected it. Nothing he had learned about Raine had indicated differently, all that had been missing was the identity of the one she would sacrifice herself for.

Kylo looked away again, it was too hard to bear her gaze. She wasn't even judging, yet he felt judged. If she knew... "Then you're a better person than I am," he pointed out, though he found it unnecessary, "and your brother is very fortunate. To have a parent who loves you more than they love themselves..." His jaw clenched. No. He couldn't do it. He couldn't face that. Not now. More like never.

He just smiled wanly, and huddled back under the covers. "I've never doubted you would choose the path of good, Raine."

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for Raine, Healer's Guild, three days after the riots

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