tushanshu_logs | there will be time to murder and create; closed

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there will be time to murder and create; closed

Characters: Gene Khan, Tony Stark; Milyn, possibly, later.
Date: February 4th
Location: Midnight Hotel; later, Milyn's clinic
Situation: Time to return home and face FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES. But first...
Warnings/Rating: Talk of long-since-committed murder. Definite sappy gay bullshit. Probably boys yelling. I don't know?

And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

When Tony returns to their shared room, he will find all of Gene's meager belongings carefully packed into a bag - as though he's preparing to leave, or is ready for being told to leave - and Gene himself sitting at the table, the rings on their string sitting before him, his head bowed in an attitude of contemplation.

"I need to talk to you," he says, looking up when Tony enters, his voice slightly hoarse, his face carefully blank.

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"When was I supposed to tell you?" Gene asks sullenly. "When we started to become friends again - so I could give you an excuse to think I hadn't changed at all, that I was still rotten to the core? After you kissed me in the lab? When I asked you to take me out if I should prove to be a threat?"

He swallows, hard. "I admit - it was selfish to wait. But I wanted to be sure I could tell you and...and your first response wouldn't be to chase me out and call me a monster." Had it been so wrong to want to hold on to what little affection he could get for as long as he could? "I'd meant to tell you in the Dreaming," he says again. "But...it wasn't the right time. No. It was that I was too afraid of telling you there." Tony's rejection would have destroyed him. "I'm a coward. I never told you because I was afraid to."

"I don't know. I don't know," he says. But what he wants to say is, 'yes, any of those, any time would have been better than now, when I've given you my trust, my forgiveness, given you so much.' That's what he wants to say, but he can't quite get the words out.

"I don't think you're a monster. You messed up. You messed up pretty badly - I mean, you murdered a guy for something that wasn't his fault - but... he came back? I don't know. You really screwed up, but you didn't do it just to be evil, and everybody ended up okay." Which is more than can be said of his previous screw-ups.

"You're not a monster." Tony sighs, and puts his head in his hands. "But it's— how can I trust you, if you don't tell me stuff like this? You're afraid to tell me when you've done something bad - so I always have to be afraid that you're hiding something horrible from me?"

No harm, no foul, right, Tony?

No? Okay.

"That's it, though. That's the last one, the last secret. I waited so long because I was afraid - because secrets have kept me alive. I needed them to survive. I'm...I'm trying to be better. I thought that...that now I could finally tell you," Gene says, struggling to get the words out.

"I'm done, Tony. I'm done lying, I'm done running. I've had enough of secrets and lies. I'm trying to start over again. To have a clean slate. Or...as much of one as I can manage." He sighs. "I know I can never make up for...everything that happened, back there. I was wrong. I've always been wrong. Please, don't punish me for trying to do right."

"I know you're trying, Gene. I don't want to punish you for that. I don't want to punish you at all." I don't want to hurt you anymore. And he doesn't. Even though he has every right to want to.

He doesn't want to hurt Gene, but he wants acknowledgement that he's hurting too, that he's not wrong to feel hurt, that he's not wrong to to be just a little bit upset that Gene had been hiding something like this from him. He has good reason to be wary of Gene's secrets, doesn't he?

Tony laughs into his hands, and it's shaky, like he's trying not to cry.

"I just keep falling for you. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I fell for you in school, and the whole time you were keeping secrets that caused... everything that happened." Everything they'd just seen. "And I did it again here, and you were keeping more secrets here, and... I hate feeling like you don't tell me anything until I'm... in too deep to think straight. Like every time I start to have real feelings for you, you're going to drop another bomb on me."

He sniffs and rubs at his eyes, trying unsuccessfully to force back the tears that are leaking out. "I believe you. That that's the last one. But I..." But that doesn't do much to lessen the sting of this one. That doesn't do much, on the heels of their vision of home, to silence the whispers of he lied to you, just like before, you loved him and he was lying, lying the whole time. "...I dont' know. I just need... some time to let it sink in, I think."

Edited 2015-03-12 07:33 (UTC)

Gene stays curiously silent, unwilling to justify his actions or interrupt Tony. He knows Tony's right, and for the first time he feels a stab of guilt for manipulating him the way he had back in high school. He picks up the cup and takes a long drink, desperate for something to do with his hands while Tony talks so he feels less like he's under a spotlight.

"I understand," he says when Tony's finished. "I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep this from you for so long. I didn't want to hurt you when you found out. But I guess it couldn't be helped."

He sighs, replacing the cup on the small table. "If you don't want me to move out, what do you want me to do? Since you need time."

Tony doesn't take his head out of his hands. "Yeah. Well." He shrugs, feeling another sudden surge of formless anger. Gene's responses are unsatisfying, frustrating, and he isn't sure why. Part of him wants more from Gene, more proof that he understands what he did, and that can change and will change - but at the same time, his remorse is almost too slavish, and part of Tony wants Gene to grow a spine, and stand up for himself, and show that he gives a damn about this relationship by fighting for it, and not just letting Tony walk away.

He starts to wonder if maybe the problem isn't with Gene, but with him.

He sighs. "I don't know," he mumbles again. "You don't have to leave the room or anything, I'll..." work until he can't see straight and/or sleep on the couches in the common room, most likely. "...figure something out."

Well, give him a break, Tony, he's never really had to apologize before - and not for anything this big. Besides, the aftermath of their trip home is weighing on his heart, and he doesn't know what to do or say about it because if he probes his own emotions too deeply he may fall apart. And he doesn't have the right to do that. Not here. Not in front of Tony, who he's hurt so deeply.

"If you're sure," Gene says neutrally, not trusting that answer so far as he can throw it. There's nothing he can do to prove his relative merit to Tony right now, he knows, nothing that wouldn't ring false. So he's just going to lie low for now until they're both done thinking.

And maybe he'll sleep in his chair instead of the bed, in case Tony comes back. He doesn't want Tony to feel like he can't have the bed if Gene's already sleeping in it. Tony hasn't done anything wrong, after all; he hasn't lost mattress privileges.

In some way he's dimly aware of the fact that he's punishing himself much like how Zhang would, and he opts not to think about that.

"Yeah, it's okay." Tony wipes his eyes and, slowly, sits back up. He needs some time alone (he really needs some time in the lab, but he doesn't know if that's in the cards) to work through these feelings, and he doesn't think he'll be sleeping much until he does. There's no point in kicking Gene out of their room. Their room. It is Gene's as much as it's Tony's.

"We should probably go."

Milyn had said they could stay as long as they like, but Tony feels weird about lingering here. And he's getting to the point where he needs to be up, and moving, and doing something, because he can feel his thoughts starting to circle in obsessive, repetitive patterns. The downward spiral. He knows where it goes, and he doesn't much like that place inside himself.

"Yeah," Gene says, and after a moment stands up from the bed, collecting his old clothes. His movements are still a bit awkward and stiff, and it's clear his thoughts are elsewhere.

He just wants this to be over. One way or another, he wants to know what Tony thinks of him, so he can move on. His own downward spiral is as deleterious as it is inevitable; he'd rather be back in the comfort of the hotel when his despair finally broke through the cold solid shell of his shock.

Tony stands as well, glances up at Gene, then quickly looks down. He opens the door without saying anything. But before he steps out of the room, he timidly reaches out to take Gene's hand again, hoping, again, that he won't pull it away.

Tony has a lot of thinking to do to figure out what all this means for their relationship, but he wants Gene to know that he's not just going to cut and run. Gene has done a lot to change himself for the better. At the very least, he deserves to know that Tony's not going to make his decision in haste and anger.

Gene seems surprised that Tony reaches out to take his hand, but this time, he doesn't withdraw or flinch away. Instead, he takes the offered hand, hesitantly, a little shyly.

He hadn't asked for Tony's forgiveness or reached out on his own, and what's more, he wouldn't - that isn't his call to make, he isn't the wronged party, he doesn't get to presume a right to any affection, any absolution - but this, at least, gives him a little bit of hope. Perhaps misplaced hope, but hope all the same.

Maybe, he dares to think, things might end up kind of okay.

The walk back from the clinic is much like the walk there: full of awkward silence. Back in their room at the Hotel, Tony turns to Gene, looking uncertain and faintly uncomfortable.

"I think I'm going to take a shower and... maybe go to SI. To talk to Zanru about getting some lab time." If he can bring her around, he'll be scarce for a while - but Gene will know where he is.

Gene nods, still moving a little mechanically, unwilling to properly let his guard down until Tony is gone. Because that's what he's doing, isn't it? Leaving.

They will leave you. They will always leave you. He hears Malicant's words in his head as though they're spoken in his ear, and he tries to shrug them off - but Tony leaving still sends a spike of cold fear through his gut.

"Okay," he says, because he dare not ask for help, for Tony to stay and assuage his fears. "If that's what you need."

Edited 2015-03-17 02:30 (UTC)

Tony nods and just says, "Thanks." Then he disappears into the bathroom to shower.

When he's out and dressed again, he grabs a small bag and tosses a few things into it. His juulan, some snacks, a change of shirt and underwear: basic Lab Marathon gear.

Bag in hand, he stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking at Gene. "I'll be back," he promises, giving the words a little more weight than the usual offhand goodbye. But I'll be back... soon? eventually? when things make sense again?. He settles on "Later."

In the interval, Gene had stumbled to the chair he'd sat in earlier, a few hours ago, a lifetime ago. He had stared at the rings on the table while Tony took his shower before angrily sweeping them off onto the floor with a grunt of frustration.

The noise would likely have been covered up by the shower.

He'd taken a few deep breaths and put his head in his hands, resuming his mask of composure when he heard the water turn off. But he'd made no move to retrieve the rings.

He doesn't look at the bag. That would mean acknowledging that Tony might not come back.

"Okay," he says, and he manages to have it not sound too strained. "I'll see you then, I guess."

Edited 2015-03-17 11:56 (UTC)

"Yeah." Tony nods.

And then, giving Gene one last uncertain, conflicted look, he walks out.

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there will be time to murder and create; closed

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that was such a good episode tho

yes that's why i referenced it

my fave

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