tushanshu_logs | Tu Vishan Awakening Party!

"I... I guess I have?" When he realized that it had come out as a question, Kylo only felt more blood shoot into his face. He looked down at the crowd as if there was any chance of hiding how flustered he was. Or as if his gaze didn't keep returning to Rey anyway.

She made for a lovely sight, now and always, really, but telling her that would be too... Too something. Something they weren't. Except they had kissed. She had kissed him. And then she'd run, leaving him no wiser where they stood than he had been before.

Was it normal for a grown man to feel so nervous? He could handle battles. Battles were easy. Why was there no battle to fight?! Or a nice interrogation. Even a training session with Snoke. An orbital bombardment. Something he was prepared to handle.

He perched beside Rey, though he kept an arm's length of distance between them. "I've gotten around a lot, in the Outer Rim," he said quietly, his gaze still flickering to her and away again.

"Look, Rey," he blurted out, "I'm nervous and when I'm nervous I do stupid things like get angry and attack things with lightsabers but..." He snapped his mouth shut. "I don't think I have a good 'but'."

It both surprised and intrigued her that Ren was nervous around her; she'd detected it earlier in his hospital room, but not quite to this degree. Now he seemed quite beside himself — his answer in the form of a question, gaze darting about, cheeks flushed and hands fidgeting.

Something about it charmed her, irrevocably; Kylo Ren had no better idea how to act around her, with their precarious new development between them, than she did.

He perched beside her as she leaned on the railing of the roof, and Rey tilted her chin to look up at him. The darkening sky above them yielded less light, but in the gloom she could see the pale angles of his face, his dark hair framing it, the scar barely visible. He was darkly beautiful.

"Are we going to talk about your 'but'?" she retorted, a sly smirk playing on her lips. "Because I'm sure it's not as bad as you think."

She shook her head, her expression still slightly bemused. "You think you're the only one who's nervous? Who doesn't know what they're doing?" A modest duck of her head before she lifted her eyes back to meet his, and then her voice was softer, quieter, less mischievous. "...I've never kissed anyone, before that...before you."

"Oh." That was a sobering thought, in a way, or at least one which put his own worries into perspective. "Maybe I'm not the only one who stands to lose something," he said quietly, "or has to take a leap of faith."

Really, he objectively knew that Rey had to take far more of a leap of faith, after Takodana, after Starkiller, after everything, but looking at things from the other person's point of view had never been one of his strengths.

He looked down at his hands, awkwardly folded in his lap. He didn't know how to do gentle. Or soft. Or... any of the things he associated with kisses and romance, really. "I have kissed before, but not often. And not for a long time."

They'd both taken leaps of faith in their interactions as of late, herself just as much as he; Rey was nonetheless pleased that he recognized it.

At his confession, she cocked her head curiously. There was so little she still knew of him — the idea that he'd been intimate with anyone at all, as monk-like as he was and as much as the First Order and Snoke had demanded of him, was more than surprising.

"Who was it? Whom you'd kissed?" She dropped her eyes to his folded hands and hers itched to take one of them and hold it, turning it over in her grip, mapping the length of it with her fingers. "Tell me."

Edited 2016-09-25 22:06 (UTC)

Kylo Ren felt himself flush again. He pressed his lips together, wishing he had not spoken at all. It would be easy to seek refuge in acerbic quips or even in outright hostility, but if they were to give this a chance, he would have to do better. Or try, at least - he would be messing up often enough, no need to mess up on purpose.

"It was a long time ago." He looked down at their hands. Her touch was gentle, and left a pleasant tingle in its wake. He'd never really expected any gentleness between them, after how things began. "When I was a Jedi training with Luke Skywalker." He halted, frowned. How much did she even know about that? Probably not much. "I was never in love, or had grand romances. I tried to steal moments of normalcy... and to anger my uncle. I hoped he would disapprove of my distractions."

He quirked his lips. "Why, Rey, are you jealous?" he asked, his tone lighter with teasing.

She couldn't help herself — the urge to touch him had been too strong, and now she drew her fingers lightly up the length of his held hand, from nailbed to wrist.

Sometimes it was easy to forget he'd once been a Jedi padawan, given his dark robes and dark manner and allegiance to the First Order; once upon a time, she surmised, he'd been younger with a little less sadness surrounding him and a lot less fear, and he'd stood proudly by his uncle Luke as they'd trained together. It made her inexplicably bittersweet with melancholy, to think of it — to wonder if it weren't too late, if he could resurrect that part of himself again someday from his youth.

One thing was for certain — he'd so rarely been touched. She frowned lightly at the suggestion that Luke would have discouraged him from emotional attachments, the same way Snoke would have surely done similarly for fear of Ren's affections being misdirected. It seemed as though neither Force-adepts from the Light nor the Dark were allowed to feel anything stronger for someone.

But at his teasing suggestion that she was jealous, she felt her face grow hot as blood blossomed in her cheeks. " — Of course not," she insisted, her tone disapproving but not furious, and she snatched her hands away from his, tucking them under her arms as she folded them over her chest protectively. "I just wanted to know, that's all."

Part of it was under the guise of learning more about him, because he was still very much a mystery despite having been in his head. But another part of her, she thought, was darkly possessive. She'd had so very little to claim as her own, after all, and wondered how her kisses — both the ones exchanged on his couch, under Lucid, as well as the one she'd granted him in his hospital bed — measured up.

She turned to him again, tilting her chin up to him, and as she did a firework exploded in the night sky above them — a dazzling display of red and gold lights, brilliant and flashing. For a moment they were both illuminated with it as they looked at one another.

"...Did you like it?" A beat. "The kiss you had, a long time ago." More than your recent ones?

Edited 2016-09-26 23:49 (UTC)

It was oddly endearing seeing her blush, the oddest of it easily being that he found it endearing where he would have once merely delighted in causing her discomfort. There was something very, very odd about permitting yourself to experience more tender feelings for someone else.

Of course she was defensive, it didn't bother him. He should have seen that coming, and didn't he know a lot about being defensive? It till took him by surprise when she asked about these past kisses. More than that, he could read between the lines the question that remained unspoken.

Kylo flushed a bit himself, flustered all over again, and studied the rain of colors painted on the sky as if it held all the answers. He picked up his glass again, though he didn't drink from it. "It was a long time ago," he offered, "and I was a different person back then. It wasn't..." His brows furrowed. "It was more about proving a point for me, not about the person I was kissing."

His gaze flickered to her again. Was this what she wanted to hear? Probably not. What she wanted was far simpler, and he was messing it up. Good going. "I liked kissing you better," he said bluntly.

He was only flustered for a moment, his brows knitting in a silent mirror of hers before he spoke again and reassured her. Rey wasn't even certain why she felt as though she'd needed the reassurance, why she'd wanted to know what his previous experiences were like, but like a child she couldn't help the pleased uptick of the corners of her lips upon his last statement.

The sky exploded in another barrage of colors, this time green and blue, and this time the sound didn't make her jump or remind her of the noises of battle — with how focused she was on him, on his words, it only made her recall the sound of distant thunder she'd heard long ago during a Jakku sandstorm.

Her question was quiet. "...Why?"

"Because..." He ducked his head, and he could feel himself smiling despite his best efforts to stifle the smile. But she was pleased by his answer, and he was inexorably pleased that he had pleased her. He had done something right. Doing right by others was new, but somehow with her he managed it.

He reached for her, placed his hand on her forearm. "Because it was with you," he admitted quietly. It sounded so cheesy that he winced, but he couldn't bring himself to regret it. It was the truth. "It's different with you."

He watched her, the colors of the fireworks played over her beautiful face. He wished he had better words for what he had felt, but he didn't.

She was most assuredly pleased, particularly with his response, and at his hand on her arm she unlaced hers from where they were folded over her chest, sliding his hand down until it covered her smaller one, entwining their fingers. She held it with no intention of letting go, even as her lips only remained curved in an enigmatic smirk.

Her voice was soft, tranquil, for his ears only above the sound of the fireworks. "What would your Supreme Leader or your uncle do, if they saw us like this?"

Fingers laced together, eyes only for one another, heartbeats pulsing in tempo to the bond that tethered them.

Edited 2016-09-27 23:37 (UTC)

He stiffened, something dark and angry flickered over his face as he was reminded of all these terrible, guilty thoughts why he shouldn't, why this was weakness, betrayal, Grandfather would be disappointed, wrong...

His fingers tightened on hers, and though he didn't realize it, he took strength from her touch, from their bond, to steady himself as he struggled not to drown in the sudden burst of self-loathing. It had been teasing. She had just been teasing. Deep breaths.

He forced himself to take in only the curve of her lips, to leave no room for his own dark thoughts. Their heartbeats. Her hand holding his.

The tiny smirk wasn't as hard to come by as he'd expected. "I hope my Uncle would be scandalized." There were good reasons why he should be more, but he didn't want to think of grim things. Not now. Not tonight.

Rey frowned when he did, when that dark cloud flickered over his features in a brief moment, even though it was replaced by his more serene expression immediately afterward and his sarcastic comment about his uncle. It's the reminder of his Supreme Leader, she realized, and instantly regretted having made such a slip.

Without thinking she cupped his cheek with her free hand, drawing his face closer to hers. "...Hey," she murmured softly, some part of her wanting to erase any harm she's caused by the mention of his master. Her fingers held his cheek, her thumb brushing dangerously close to his mouth almost instinctively as her eyes settled briefly on his lips before skipping back up to his gaze.

"It's just us, now." Unintentionally she mirrored what he'd said to her in that dark snowy forest, as he'd cornered herself and Finn. "There's no one here but you, and me."

No other influences; no expectations.

Edited 2016-09-28 16:31 (UTC)

"Yes. Yes." His nostrils flared as he inhaled sharply, and focused on the gentle touch of her hand on his face. "It's just us now. Just you and me."

Better, or worse? Terrifying, to be sure, but he had already chosen to take this risk, for better or worse, and he was no coward, nor anyone who went through life erring on the side of caution.

"No one else," he said again, "it doesn't matter what they would think. If Snoke were here..." Didn't matter how his Master would condemn him for straying from the only true path to power - he thought of the fateful meeting with Darth Vader, of Master Raine casting doubt, of Valdis pointing out his weakness. He placed his hand over Rey's. She who had asked him to walk between light and dark with her. "But he's not here, and you are."

He leaned into her touch. "I still don't know how you can trust me after what you saw... what I did. You're braver than I am."

She wasn't entirely certain how she could trust either, given the things he'd done, even in the recent past when they'd first arrived in Keeliai. But even as that thought filtered through her mind she knew Ren wasn't the same person now, months later, as the man who'd fought with her in the Midnight Hotel.

"I don't know, either, but..." Her voice trailed off thoughtfully. She didn't fear him, she knew that much. On the contrary, what she felt when close to him like this was nothing like fear — it felt like conquering fear, like the sensation she'd had when cruising across Jakku's plains at top speed on her speeder; like repelling boldly down the empty chasm of a fallen Star Destroyer. Exhiliration.

"...I want to try."

She leaned in more to meet him, cradling his cheek as his hand covered hers, and her gaze zeroed in on his lips before she pressed her own up to meet him with a soft, yearning inhale of breath.

He had never hesitated. He had always pursued what he wanted with all his passion and drive, and doggedly kept going even when it was destroying him, and he was full of doubt. He hadn't let it stop him.

What was so different about Rey, that he suddenly felt like treading lightly?

He never found an answer before her lips found his, and as soon as the heat of their kiss flooded him, pursuing his passions became easy again. Whenever they kissed that knot of doubts and apprehensions untangled, he didn't think of what he stood to lose but only of her.

His other hand ended up cradling the back of her head, holding her close, as he kissed her harder, with new urgency. "Rey," he breathed against her lips, and delighted in the fact that it was her name he was speaking. Her. They may be forbidden to another, but right now he did not care.

Treading lightly wasn't something she was used to either, and kissing was no exception to the rule — while their first non-Lucid-driven kiss in his hospital room had been gentle, this time she responded to his more urgent attention with ardor of her own. She deepened the kiss, opening her mouth and licking into his with fervor; her eyes closed with the effort of drawing him closer, as tight as possible, fisting her hands in his dark tunic.

He whispered her name inbetween, and Rey let her teeth graze his lower lip in response to the possessive feeling it sparked within her.

Neither of them were aware that the fireworks had stopped, punctuated by a finale of brilliant explosions, and now nothing was left of them in the air but the acrid tang of firepowder, and the last glittering embers fading into the black sky.

Nothing else, just her taste mingling with his and her smell and her heat, just like on that day when they had taken the Lucid, but so much better since his mind was clear enough to know exactly how extraordinary, no miraculous it was that Rey would want to kiss him of all men.

He didn't let her dominate the kiss for long, eager to challenge her even in this, and be challenged in turn as they both tried to outdo another in their fervour. It wasn't much different from every other competition they'd had, and yet so much more pleasurable.

By the time their lips parted his face was flushed, and he felt near drunken with euphoria. "You," he hissed, "you..." He laughed. "You're doing this to me." This. Everything. Shaking up everything he knew. "I want you. I doubt myself in everything I do, but I don't doubt that." Just the wisdom of it, but not that he wanted them be more than enemies.

Ren wasn't content to remain a passive recipient of her kisses for long, and his insistence on rising to meet the challenge was both expected and anticipated.

But when he pulled away to catch his breath — both of them had to, in their exertions — her surprise caught in her throat at his declaration.

Rey looked at him, truly looked, at every minute detail — his angular face, that scar, his dark searching eyes, his kiss-swollen lips — and after a long moment of letting her eyes rove greedily over every part of him she'd wanted, she curled her fingers appreciatively at the thick dark hair at the back of his head, her other hand still wound in the collar of his tunic, her eyes dark and blown with desire. "...How do you want me?"

Her desire sparked his own, a sweet thrill of pure triumph at seeing her so undone by his own hands. "Maybe you should ask instead what I want, scavenger," he said, his voice pitched low and husky. He licked his lips. When he ran his fingers through her hair, tugging a few strands loose from her buns, he was startled by his own gentleness. "I want everything... I want you in every way." He tapped her temple. "I want to be in your head, I want your Light, I want to train you and fight at your side and I want you."

It was so much more complicated, so much more in every possible way than the physical desire the Lucid had awoken in them.

But Kylo Ren had always liked to burn himself alive in his passion.

"You are in my head," she admitted, leaning almost shamefully into his hand in her hair as it loosened the strict updo; some of her hair had already fallen out in strands along her face during the events of the day, but now with his hands working more of it free she found herself caring less and less that her three buns were essentially disintegrating. "I find you there more often than not — and I in yours...but."

She looked at him critically for a moment, assessing him. He'd offered to train her before, what seemed like a long time ago, but his other words were something else altogether. "You'd fight at my side?" Her other hand joined the one in his hair, combing through it gently, curiously. "Against any enemy we encounter, here?"

"I... ye..." He started, taken aback not so much by the question but by his own confession, no, demand. Her assessing gaze did not permit for any less than the truth, and it cooled his ardour a bit, enough to understand that he shouldn't make promises in the heat of the moment if he didn't intend to keep them come morning.

While he kept petting her hair, his other hand went for her cheek, her temple, before dropping to let his fingertips brush over her neck. Breakable. They were all breakable in the end. "I think I would," he said slowly, "against enemies we make here." If other people from their world got here and it became Light against Dark all over again... He shied away from that thought. "I wouldn't let anyone else harm you. You are mine to have... or to harm." Better. That was an appropriately Dark sentiment.

She didn't ask whether such an agreement would only be against enemies made here, in Keeliai; in a sense, she didn't want to know, not exactly. They would deal with the answer to that if and when it became an inevitability.

It was enough, now, what was said. Ren may have thought he was maintaining some sort of Dark credibility with his last statement, but Rey knew better.

"What makes you think I'd let you harm me?" she chided quietly, and her fingers in his hair went from gently tousling to winding and tugging in an instant, despite the amused quirk still faintly at her lips. Something wicked occurred to her, then — that lure of sharp teeth and pinching fingers and rough hands — and she let one of her hands guide his fingers at her neck to drop down further, sliding carefully just across the top of the swell of her breast underneath her tunic.

"...Unless I wanted it, of course."

His breath hitched.

And just like that, she was turning the anger that had flared up at her sheer audacity into something else altogether.

Kylo swallowed hard, his gaze spellbound on the path their hands had taken. "Unless you wanted it," he echoed in a breathless whisper. His eyes found the smirk on her inviting lips, these eyes of hers that always challenged him. "Unless I made you want it," he retorted, a brow arched quizzically. It was close enough to faking that he was less affected than he was. Close enough. Not quite good enough. But close enough would do. "After all, I am in your head..."

Rey reveled in her ability to take him just slightly off of his game, to startle him and make his breath hitch just so as he held her gaze almost helplessly; there was something immensely satisfying in it, the same way pushing her way into his head that first time had given her a triumphant thrill all its own.

"Given that we're both in one another's heads," she posed in a thoughtful voice, never breaking eye contact as she drew his fingers even lower to brush lightly over the peak of her breast and against the firm, pebbled tip of it, "how would we know whose idea had spawned it?"

A good point; when they were giving in to the bond between them like this, as they had while under Lucid's influence, it was sometimes hard to know where one's thoughts ended and the other's began.

Most of the other hotel guests on the roof had begun to leave now that the fireworks had ended, but there was still an expanse of dark, starry sky above them, and Rey wasn't content to let the night end so soon, yet. The air was slightly chilled, but not enough that she felt uncomfortable — and Ren seemed warm enough for them, both, like a giant heat furnace. She stood from where they'd both sat at the edge of the balcony, releasing his hair and taking his hand she'd guided in hers, tugging him away to one of the blanketed lounge chairs spread out along the length of the roof.

"Stay with me, a little longer. I want to look at the stars."

His gaze lingered on her, sliding down from her eyes to wander over her body and back again. He found himself hyperaware of her smaller hand holding his, of her sheer presence close against his side. When they sat together, sharing one of the chairs, they were forced to sit close side by side, and it became even more impossible to ignore just how close they were.

Not that he wanted to ignore it. Not truly. Not anymore.

"Yes," he murmured, "the stars... We ought to look at the stars some more." And yet he had merely a token glance for the night sky - lovely, yes, of course, there were all these dotted little lights of faraway worlds, but Rey was right here in front of him, close enough to touch and kiss, and he desired her far more than these faraway stars.

She was here. With him. After everything. After Takodana and Starkiller and a downward spiral of a thousand mistakes she was still here. Kylo didn't think he would ever get over that, or at all understand why. He was no good at giving second chances, and barely any better at seizing them himself. But she was here. He could just try to do slightly better than last time.

He tucked a lock of hair beneath her ear and wrapped his arms around Rey to pull her close. Somehow resisted the urge to kiss her. Not just yet. "Tell me of Jakku. Tell me of these nights when it was just you and the stars."

Tu Vishan Awakening Party!

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