tushanshu_logs | I am flesh and I am bone

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I am flesh and I am bone | April Catchall

Characters: Pepper Potts, Devin Parker, and you!
Date: Throughout April
Location: Jade Dojo, Sky Sector, all over Keeliai.
Situation: Pepper's living her life, and Devin is getting dumped into Keeliai a little maimed.
Warnings/Rating: Possible mention of murder and probably blood, specific warnings in headers.

A. [Pepper] Jade Dojo | Backdated to end of March | Heather

As promised, Pepper got up early and made her way to the dojo at a time that was unusual for her. She normally trained in the afternoons, so this was a big change of pace. There was no guarantee that she and Heather would make good partners, but it would be interesting to try. It would also give her a chance to get a read on Heather, since Pepper hadn't interacted with her much before now. She hung up her jacket and pulled a set of long, thin cloth wraps and began to circle them around her hands; once they were secured, Pepper began to warm up, keeping an eye out for Heather's arrival.

B. [Pepper] House Spicy Iron Dragon | Early April | Gene

The weather is getting almost reasonable, and on one of the days where it's a bit sunnier, Pepper goes out into the backyard and does some practice summoning. She's getting better at it, and higher level monsters are slowly getting easier to summon, but she still has pretty strict limits. That doesn't diminish her determination - if anything, it makes her push harder. Vee is there, too, standing off to the side with less armor on, observing. Pepper will occasionally speak to her like her ka has said something, although the creature's lips never move.

C. [Pepper] KPD | Throughout April | Open

The new Guild system has definitely stirred things up in the city, and there's a rash of thefts hitting Foreigners that suggests it's systematic. The destruction of the spirit houses is also concerning, although fortunately it doesn't seem to be escalating badly. Pepper is pretty busy, spending a lot of time out on patrols and talking with kedan as well as Foreigners to see if they have any information. Busy or not, she's in a good mood most of the time if anyone bumps into her.

D. [Devin; CW: burns, possibly blood] Healer's Guild | April 5 | Raine

The ground is a lot smoother than he expects. There's a ringing in his ears and he can tell he’d be dead if he hadn’t known what was coming. As it is, his back is charred from the explosion. It was a small price to pay for getting the hunters and the dossier out. He can feel them start to heal, but his wounds must be worse than he thought – someone is saying something, putting a hand on his shoulder and Devin can only lay there, stunned. The person sounds worried, and Devin tries to tell them he'll be fine, to leave him here. To run. It doesn't come out particularly coherently.

Whoever it is doesn't listen, and two sets of strong arms are lifting him off the ground to a standing position, which he couldn’t have managed himself. This is bad, that he can't orient himself properly or see straight. At some point, he must have lost consciousness, because next he opens his eyes he's being led into a building and there's a flurry of activity that ends with him face-down on a gurney.

"I can't stay here," Devin mutters, trying to get out of the bed, but the hands keep pushing him back down. Devin is stronger, though, and he stumbles vertical again, searching for a door. "I don't need your help."

E. [Devin; CW: blood] Thoughout Keeliai | Throughout April | Open

As soon as Devin is fully recovered, he gets out into the city. The situation has him on edge, the fact that his agency has been violated again setting a semi-permanent frown on his face. Devin is familiar with a few different planes of existence, so the idea of Keeliai isn't something he outright rejects. After a week or two, he accepts that he's stuck. From what Devin can tell, he's the only one of his kind here.

That should have been something of a relief, Devin reflects, but it also meant that he's adrift without purpose. What is he supposed to do with himself? Almost all of his energy back home had been spent hunting. Devin can't remember the last time he took a vacation.

Long story short, Devin is not in a good mood most of the month, somewhere between lost and agitated. He does need to find a way to live, though, so when he's not at the Hotel (which he hopes he won't have to stay at for an extended time) he's wandering around and observing, taking in every detail he can, and looking for a niche to fit in.

F. [Devin] Turtle's Head | Mid April | Open

The rumors of the serenity of being near Tu Vishan's beak are appealing amidst the turmoil of Devin's arrival and the impending problem of finding a food source has him troubled enough that he hikes out there one day. The sight of it, actually getting confirmation of what it is he'd standing on, is grounding and the calming influence of a being so much greater than him is familiar in a way. At least this trip doesn't come with a migraine. He spends a few hours there, mostly standing at the shell's edge and staring out at the sea, thinking through his options.

(OOC: Let me know if you want a specific starter or feel free to write your own adventure!)

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Gene starts when addressed - he hadn't thought the ka talked to anyone but Pepper. Clearly he'd been wrong, or this is a special case, or both. Probably both.

"Maybe," he concedes, but he still doesn't think there's anything there, really, and Pepper probably knows that. Redemption can only go so far if you're not willing to forgive yourself when others have already forgiven your sins. Put simply: he's stuck.

"I'm happy you found each other. But I still don't think I should do it." He might find it easier to lose himself than accept himself, after all.

Pepper gives Gene a slightly sheepish, apologetic look when he jumps. Vee rarely spoke to others unless spoken to first.

"Sorry. Yeah, that weirded me out too, the first time she 'talked'. It takes a little getting used to," she says, unfolding her arms. "Anyway. If you don't think you should, then no, you probably shouldn't. I don't think that'd go very well. Just... make sure it's for the right reasons. Your soul isn't ugly," Pepper adds firmly.

He gives her a little smile. "How do you know?"

Because she's your friend, dingus, and she's got reasonably good judgment. Well. Judgment as good as anyone else in the house. Which really isn't saying much.

"Because I know you pretty well. We're always our own biggest critics, right? You've got blinders on yourself - we all do. Having other people in your life--" And occasionally in your head. "--means you've got more than one perspective to listen to, and if you don't, then you're being stubborn, and that's my job," Pepper informs him.

"Hm. You know I have good reasons to be self-critical," he says.

"And what do you mean, 'for the right reasons'?" He's honestly a little confused by that. Is there a not-right reason to not want to find out firsthand what part of your soul looks like? Because he thinks he has some good reasons.

Mostly, he's just scared.

Scared that he, and everyone else, will be proven right. That he was born broken.

Edited 2017-04-15 23:43 (UTC)

"There's a difference between a healthy amount of self-criticism and way too much self-recrimination." Gene knows that, surely, but Pepper finds that it needs repeating every so often. He punishes himself too much.

"I mean that you should make sure you understand why you would or wouldn't want to do something that big. Even if it's not a Shadow test, if it's something else-- there's a difference between not being able to do something and just not being ready for it yet," Pepper reasons, gentle. "You're strong, and you have more good in you than you think."

Gene frowns. He's really not sure where to draw the line on that self-criticism thing. Because he's always been that way - he's always been bad, and he's always known it, deep in his heart alongside his grandiose delusions. He'd had that beaten into him for ten years; it's hard to overcome being told you're worthless, just a tool, a prize, a stepping stone on the way to a criminal empire.

So no, Pepper. He doesn't know what's healthy and what's not.

"You keep telling me that. So does Tony. And I know you mean it, but...I also know that fondness and love are blinders, too. You can see what you want to see. I try, and I think I'm better than I was when I got here, but there's a ceiling. There's only so far I can go, because what I am holds me back."

He smiles, and it's not a nice smile. "A monster."

Pepper's expression clouds immediately. Gene has changed a lot, but he hasn't yet gotten over that particular hurdle, and it makes her heart ache to hear him talk about himself that way.

"Hatred and guilt are blinders, too," Pepper counters. "You only limit yourself to that because you think it's a limit, Gene. Because you know what?" She points up at her ka. "Vee is a Duel Monster. A Shadow creature. She comes from a place that's made of darkness and danger. And what she's called and where she's from is way less important than what she actually is. You've done some awful things in your life, there's no point in denying that. But--" Pepper steps forward, just inside Gene's personal space, and prods him in the chest with a finger. "You. Are. Not. A. Monster. Tony and I have seen you at your worst, Gene. Calling us blind to that is denial, and it's totally unfair." Her eyes are blazing, and she manages to keep her tone firm rather than angry. "We don't have a monster in this family. Period."

Gene almost takes a step back when Pepper gets into his personal space; he's seen that look on her before, and he knows that it means she means business.

He very nearly snaps at her that he's not a part of the family, then, but he knows he shouldn't. So instead he takes a breath.

"How do you know?" he asks again, but this time, his voice is shaking. He'd been told he was Blood of the Dragon. He's not. He's just a genetic mistake with alien DNA. A chimera, like a liger, something that could never exist in the wild.

For someone as wordy as Pepper, those times when words simply aren't enough can be hard. How can she express to Gene the absolute certainty that she feels? Maybe it isn't logical, maybe it's completely tautological and selfish, but it's the truth. She knows because she knows.

"How do you know?" is what she says instead. "Because someone else told you? Gene, you argue with us almost every time we say something good about you because you're determined to be bad, and I know that's going to take a long time to undo after what you've been through, but if you put even a little bit of the energy you still spend on punishing yourself on trying to care about yourself, maybe you'd start to see what we see," Pepper insists. "If you were really as bad as you think you are, you wouldn't be here asking me that question, you wouldn't be living with us, you wouldn't be in a relationship with Tony, and you definitely wouldn't have tried to change as much as you have. You're not a monster, Gene; you're not a thing. You're a person."

He wants to tell her that he knows because he knows, that he was born broken and that liking him and loving him and taking him in is a mistake, that there's a reason defective creatures don't survive in the wild to pass their genes - their Genes - on.

"Am I, then?" he asks. "You don't understand, I can't - caring about myself is--" He sighs and shakes his head. "I've been selfish, but even then, I didn't care about myself. It was for a goal or a cause. And if you saw what I showed to Tony when the Dreaming--" He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head again. "How can I not be monstrous, after that?"

Pepper closes her eyes, too, for a moment. This is not the time to let her frustration get the better of her.

"So, what? You think if I saw what Tony saw, I'd somehow change my mind, even though he didn't?" Her voice shakes now. "You couldn't convince him, so you're trying to convince me? Let me stop you right there, because it's not going to work. You can do monstrous things without being a monster, just like you do stupid things without being stupid. And caring about yourself isn't selfish, Gene, it's literally biological."

Pepper breathes out slowly. "Be honest. Is it scarier to be a monster or try to face the fact that you aren't one?"

Gene should really know better than to argue with Pepper by now. It's like arguing with a brick wall, and what's more, the wall's going to win.

He looks at her, a little taken aback, and there's an odd expression on his face - something between astonishment at something that has never been considered, and fear that the answer won't be one either of them will like.

"I don't know."

The wall will absolutely win.

His reaction does tell her that she's getting somewhere, at least. If he can't stop insisting that he's a monster, then he had better know exactly why because Pepper will argue with Gene until the kirin come home.

"Okay." She sighs in something like relief, offering him a small smile. "Then why don't we try and figure that out and go from there? Because I don't think we're getting anywhere with this until we do."

We, and not you. He won't be alone in this.

Gene nods, a little wary of this new development, but his shoulders sag a little with relief. At least they're not fighting anymore about the core of his being. They just don't know what that core is yet.

He glances at Vee. "You said something about that test...?"

It's a start.

The Knight nods, now that she's been addressed. Shadows hide many things; the test of a soul comes in just as many forms and reveals whatever must be revealed. That revelation can be darkness as easily as light, or it may be something else entirely.

Gene ponders that for a moment. This whole business was starting to sound like some Zen koans.

"So if I were to do a Shadow test eventually, it might show me what I need to see, not what I want to see."

Vee smiles sagely. The Shadow test will never show you what you desire to see. It would not be a test, if that were the case. If you only saw what you wanted, you would learn nothing of yourself.

"That doesn't mean you can't make a good guess at what you'll see, just that you might be seriously surprised," Pepper adds.

That makes Gene laugh, just a little. "I meant expecting it, yes." But had he, really? He's not sure what he'd want to see: something that tells him yes, he is a changed man, he's not a monster, or something that confirms what he already thinks about himself on his darkest days.

Why does he have the uncomfortable thought that if he ever does go for a Shadow test, it would be some hellish combination of both?

"Do I get extra credit if I guess right?"

Vee laughed quietly across the mental link, her mouth still not moving. No, although you may find it easier to complete the test. Her expression smoothed to something more serious. There is no weakness in fear, Gene Khan. What you do with fear is more important than the fear itself.

"I'll give you extra credit," Pepper offers lightly. "Probably in the form of your favorite foods, but I'm open to other suggestions."

Gene nods to Vee. He's had to deal with a lot of fear in his life, and it has made him feel weak. But he's done things with the fear. Terrible things.

Maybe he can do good things with it, too.

"I'd need to pass it, first," he says, his voice dry.

"That'll be worth celebrating no matter what, extra credit or not," Pepper says, pointedly refusing to entertain the idea that Gene would fail. She knows it's possible, of course, that he would fail, but belief has power. "If it's something you decide you're interested in doing, talk to Bakura about it. He's basically the resident expert."

Gene couldn't feel it, but across their link Vee shared a sense of quiet pride. The ka had it's own concerns about Gene, but Vee had learned that Pepper's faith in others was usually well-placed, even if the people she placed it in were themselves confused by it. She'd even warmed some to Bakura.

"You'd probably want to go it without the rings, though," she adds after a moment of thought. "They might not interact all that well with the Shadow Realm."

"Yeah," he says after a moment, obviously uncomfortable with the idea. The rings were almost a security blanket to him; he'd gone through so much for them, and even if he doesn't view them as his 'birthright' anymore, he still feels like he needs them. They're a vital part of his identity, for good or ill. "You're probably right."

That might even be part of the test. Who knows, really.

"I'd really need to think about it," he says, but he's interested. He's pretty sure that his soul's tainted and he was born broken, but it'd be...nice to have confirmation one way or the other. Even if he doesn't really want to know for sure, on some level.

And Pepper's belief in him is definitely bolstering his courage, whether he decides to or not.

"Of course, yeah, totally," Pepper replies, nodding. "It's a big deal thing, you don't just want to jump into it blind."

She is quite happy that Gene will at least think about it rather than outright decline. That's pretty awesome, in her opinion, and it shows in the way she beams at him. Plus, if he did decide to go through with it, there would be some pre-test work to even begin to find his ka most likely; Raine and Valdis had both experienced dreams, if she remembers correctly. She'd had Vee's card come up more than made statistical sense. And so on. Pepper will probably nudge Gene about it in the future.

"Take your time. It's not like the Shadow Realm is going anywhere."

At least she's smiling. That means something, that she believes in him. She usually does, but this is something really big. This is about his very soul. And it's hard, because he's scared. Deep down, he's scared of what he's going to find if and when he does this.

"If it does, we might be in real trouble," he says dryly.

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lasergrenades - 2017-07-25 22:25 (UTC) - Expand

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I am flesh and I am bone | April Catchall

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uh oh here come the waterworks from me again

;~;

suffer, children, suffer

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feel free to drop this since it's been forever since I replied

never i'm stickin this thing out what a good thread what good cr

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