tushanshu_logs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Hayley & OPEN
Date: June 25th (or the next couple days)
Location: Hayley's sweet new digs or outside in the Metal Sector
Situation: Roommate shenanigans, Hayley coming out of hiding to be social again, whatever..
Warnings/Rating: None yet.

Hayley had done her best to avoid people for the last few weeks, trying to regain a more objective view of the situation and of her relationships. These friendships were getting harder to avoid and while part of her wanted to accept them, there remained a voice in the back of her mind warning her of the dangers of embracing these people. Moving had been a very unwelcome break in the monotony, but a joyous excuse for helping her in hiding away in a nice place and pretending she didn't exist. She kept contact, of course; it was the bare minimum required to keep anyone from thinking she had disappeared from the turtle.

Now, finally, boredom has overcome her and so instead of taking her food to her room and leaving for work at odd hours, Hayley was returning to a more standard routine. It meant she was more likely to run into people and to have to be friends again. She knew that and was slightly apprehensive about it, but the part of her that wanted those kinds of connections had inevitably won out and she found herself missing Bart and Kon and the others after enough time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He couldn't help a little smile. Batman got angry, sometimes, when people insisted on tagging 'bat' in front of every tool, machinery or person related to him. He wanted things to be taken seriously, and he didn't appreciate people poking fun at his name. But Superman had never had that kind of problem: he wanted to be approachable, and he was the first one to make fun of his nom de plume. So even though he hadn't been the one to come up with the name for the fortress, he actually enjoyed how overdramatic it was- it gave some people something to smile about. It gave others something to laugh about.

And sometimes, when he wanted to be alone, it was actually appropriate.

"It's kind of an ice palace, back at home. It's far away, in the arctic, and it's... the only place where I can stop listening to everything. Where I can truly be on my own." He shrugged, reaching to rub the back of his head awkwardly. "I just- I wanted to tell you that I get it. I want to be alone as well, sometimes."

She hazarded a glance over at the man and found herself staring at him for a moment. It was strange, how she used to think of him as a dear friend, then an enemy, and now.. she wasn't really sure. Hayley hadn't known what she and Clark were for a long time, even if he might have insisted one thing or another. Moments like this, when he shared with her or trusted her with some piece of information about his life, it served to remind her of how alien that honesty between them felt.

But this wasn't just sharing. Clark was trying to empathize, to tell her he understood. It was weird. And she would be lying if she said she didn't like it and want more of it.

"Bart took me up to the turtle's head once and that was pretty cool, but it kind of takes forever for those of us without super speed," she replied lightly as her gaze returned to the road in front of them. Hayley stated it as fact, not the attack it could be. "As much as I wanted to just go somewhere far away, I was stuck locking myself in my room. It was totally like teen angst. I was kind of proud."

Edited (wording) 2014-07-07 22:06 (UTC)

Clark thrived in sharing, thrived in honesty and uncovering the truth. But that was kind of obvious, considering his chosen profession. His secret identity was harder to keep at an emotional level, more than most people understood- they just assumed that since he'd been keeping it for years and he was good at it, he must like it.

But honestly nothing made him happier than being able to openly share with people who knew the truth.

"I cold bring you there any time you felt like it, but something tells me you would have asked Bart or Kon to do that if you had wanted. The risk of making friends with people in my line of job is that we tend to be really bad at noticing when people actually need some time to themselves."

"Yeah," she agreed, lifting a hand to scratch at her hair again. Hayley knew she could ask Bart to go up to the turtle's head anytime and he would take her, even if she was avoiding him - and maybe even if he was mad at her. But she hadn't wanted to ask, hadn't wanted to rely on anyone besides herself, to remember what it was like to be alone and without anyone else to lean on. It was comforting.

Kon was a different story. Since his return from going home, he was different and now things were.. complicated. She was selfishly clinging to their friendship while not knowing if they could actually be best friends again. But those were things Clark didn't need to know.

"And lucky for you, I'm really good at making it obvious when I want to be alone." She offered him a quick smirk before looking off to the distance again. After a few more steps, she stopped and looked at him, her smile already vanished. "I'm glad you left jail."

He shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. It was still obvious his whole body had tensed up the moment she had brought it up- not because it had been her, but because it was still a painful memory and honestly kind of an embarrassing decision. 'A Bizzaro', Lois had said in that joking and teasing way of hers that still made sense when taking it seriously.

"It was not of my brightest moments" He confided. "I mean, all I told you while I was there was true. I was afraid of what I could do if something like that ever happened again. But I was so, so terrified I wasn't thinking clearly."

Clark didn't have to confide that it was a dull moment for him for Hayley to know the truth of it. What was more interesting to her was his admission of fear, of such extreme fear as to take extreme actions and to do something he wouldn't normally do. She couldn't help but make the parallel that was staring her in the face.

"Yeah. It's crazy what people will do when they're scared enough," she replied evenly, a very subtle remark on her attack of him. Of course, Hayley hadn't forgotten his and Jor-El's attack on her. The mere thought made her tense as she picked up her step to continue walking with him.

A beat. "So what made you finally change your mind?"

Being taller is steps were also faster, so he was more focused on listening to her heartbeat for any possible changes than he was on their rhythm or speed. He always tried to guess people’s emotions listening to their heartbeats when he was feeling uncomfortable- it was calming, in a way. An easy way to detach himself from the moment and still be there.

“I’m not sure.” He shrugged. One would think he’d have put more thought into what made him decide to leave prison but honestly he’d just been happy to put that time behind and focus on rebuilding the friendships he might have hurt by either what he did on the bottle or by staying too long in prison. “I mean, your talk definitely helped. You always have a way of putting things into perspective. ”

For once, Hayley thought about his words for a moment before replying. Her thoughts drifted to how she might have used the same words to describe her conversations with him once upon a time, then to how that had changed. Her mind passed back to the bottle, to her father, to Bruce- She had to stop herself from thinking when she realized she could feel her heart pounding.

"I guess you should talk to me more often," she quipped, finding it easier to be sarcastic and humorous than to face the truth of her feelings. "But.. whatever, you know? It doesn't really matter why."

Of course it did. Why he left was one of the most important nuances that existed in her understanding of him. But if he didn't want to think about and analyze it, then she could wait.

“I’d like that, actually. But I understand you share more in common with kids your age, conversations with an old man can get boring with time. But you know where to find me any time you do want to talk.” Because even through the sarcasm, he couldn’t really leave a comment like that go unanswered. Something was also making her nervous, if her heartbeat was anything to go by, and maybe keeping a friendly and honest attitude would help her feel more at ease.

‘But not parental’, his mind automatically adds. And it scares him a little that it’s actually Hayley’s voice he hears. ‘You’re not my real father’.

“Did I ever tell you what Bart gave me when he visited me in prison?”

"You're not that old," she sighed, rolling her eyes. "And that goes both ways, Clark. You could find me too."

Hayley appreciated the openness and honesty. Sarcasm was her usual deflection method, yet she silently respected those who called her out for it or addressed the comments she would normally gladly dismiss. Even if she would never admit to it and sometimes didn't consciously feel that way.

He drew her curiosity and interest with Bart's name, more easily than he probably realized. She couldn't help a small smile. "No."

"There was a girl, Donna, who was... who died, because of something I did. Or rather something I didn't do- it was my fault either way. And Bart brought a picture of that girl to me in prison. I think he asked Kyle to draw it for him, I'm not sure, I didn't think to ask at the moment.

Point is..." He sighed, reaching to push his glasses up. A very telling tick, he always did that when nervous if he was wearing his Clark Kent clothes. It was hard for him to find some kind of middle grown when it came to body language, either he was being Clark Kent or he was being Superman and he hardly ever noticed.

"He said if I hadn't mourned her, I shouldn't mourn those I had killed or hurt in the bottle either. That by doing that I was making her death less important. I didn't get it, at first- I tried to, I really did. But I had mourned every minute of her death, I had missed her. I had blamed myself so much I couldn't even look at Donna's sister in the eyes, and she was one of my best friends.

But the circumstances were different: Donna's death happened because I had been reckless, everything I could do was learn from my mistakes and never let something so horrible happen again. What I did inside the bottle was because of mindcontrol and it scared me that it could get me again, so all I could do then was stay in prison where I was powerless and could not hurt anyone. So, to me, it was different and I tried to explain as much to Bart."

He reached to run a hand through his hair, looking at her once more. "Then you visited as well. You said maybe I liked it, at first, which made me get all defensive- but then you talked about the victims. About how they deserved better. About how I wasn't a victim, and that I should be focusing on helping them get through it and not throwing a pity party.

And I guess it all kind of... clicked?"

Hayley actually gasped at his mention of Donna's death being his fault. For a moment, she forgot herself completely, expression contorting into utter shock and heart pounding. After a beat, she contained herself, calming down and realizing that despite the strong parallels, Clark knew nothing of Donna Mauer or Hayley's own past.

She looked - and felt - uncomfortable when he spoke about Bart. Some part of her wondered if she should have asked the speedster about the visit, about Donna. She silently speculated as to how many deaths and other horrors her boyfriend might have endured without ever opening up to her about them. It was almost foreign, the idea that he might be so much more aware than she gave him credit for when he continued to act so naive.

As Clark spoke on her own words, Hayley pursed her lips and said nothing of it. She had been angry, had wanted to see him suffer and then to force him to face the consequences. For him, the worst thing she could do to him was to see him speak with those he had hurt. She understood that now, even if it didn't help her to feel much better.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" She asked impatiently, partially to cover for her strong reaction at first.

Her reaction her heartbeat... it wasn’t quite right, the reaction too strong for someone who liked keeping her emotions at bay in general, and especially around Clark himself. But he decided not to think much about it, maybe she hadn’t expected him to admit something like that, to admit being related to a death.

“Because you asked what made me change my mind. I'm trying to explain.” He said, shrugging. He had nothing to hide, so even if it made him really uncomfortable to talk about it he made the effort.

Hayley glanced away, lips contorting with thought as they walked. It was her tacit acceptance of his answer. There were too many holes in his tale and questions that could help to fill that void that she had difficulty in trying to narrow them down to those which she might be able to get away with without ruining their friendship. Some part of her wasn't certain if it was sincere curiosity that drove her to asking things like she was considering or if part of her simply could never give up on pushing boundaries and testing her so-called friendships.

"You said you blamed yourself. Did you feel guilty?" Before he could answer or she could second guess herself, she added another. "How did your recklessness kill her?"

"Of course I felt guilty." The fact that she actually had to ask felt like a slap to the face, but if she needed to be reassured then so be it. He wouldn't get anywhere in fixing things with her if he let every little choice of words influence him.

"I told you once I feel guilty every death I couldn't stop, every person I couldn't help. This, where I actually had a hand on it? Was a hundred times worse." He hesitated before continuing. He knew she'd judge him for his decisions but the 'S' in his chest didn't stand up for 'Secrets'. He'd made a series of huge mistakes, and he wasn't going to hide from that fact.

"During a period where I was being mind controlled I thought I had to protect everyone at all costs, to the point I was becoming kind of paranoid so made these very basic robots who had some of my powers for the moments where I couldn't be everywhere at the same time." He shook his head. "I say basic, but they were just basic by Kryptonian standards. The point is they had some level of A.I., and they became too forceful in their wish of 'protecting people' so once I overcame the mind control I changed their basic programming and kept them in my fortress.

And that was my mistake. One of them turned rogue... and Donna Troy was killed while battling it."

"Did you know they could go rogue?" It wasn't an accusation. On the contrary, it was asked with the judgment free reasoning of someone trying to gain details of a situation. It might have been the same tone as asking what color cape he wore in winter. "Were you planning on using them again?"

Hayley wanted to understand. Clark had a strange habit, in her experience, of picking and choosing his feelings. He felt guilt for some things he had nothing to do with, but not for others he had a hand in; he was afraid of what he might become, but not of what he was; and so on. It made him difficult to predict and, though frustrating, may have contributed to what kept him interesting and prevented her from giving up on him entirely.

He paused, for a moment. Did he know? Hayley might judge his actions, but he'd feel she'd judge him even more if she found out he ever lied to make himself look better. Which was a stupid thing to do to being with, but sometimes it was hard to admit certain things to himself.

"Well... AIs, having their own intelligence, can always go rogue. And the fact that I had built them while under mind control made them extremely unpredictable. One of them- I called him Ned- was assigned to protect Lois specifically, and it was... really hard to get rid of him. But I thought if that ever happened I'd be there to stop them.

I did get some use out of them, sometimes. Krypto proved very dangerous to have around once, an unpredictable dog with superpowers that could be dangerous out of control, so I used the robots to take care of him at the fortress so he'd be safe those times I couldn't be there for him. Once of the robots even gave off my scent so he'd-" He shook his head. "But I digress. I did use them, sometimes, but if you're asking if I planned to use them for warfare then no, I didn't.

But I'm a hoarder." 'I hoard, it's what orphans do' Bruce had once said. Clark might have had his adoptive parents, but he guessed it still applied to him at some level. "I keep a lot of things in the fortress I never expect to make any use of."

Edited (wording & typos) 2014-07-25 19:29 (UTC)

She considered his response, the ambiguity at first and the story to follow. His candor, when he admitted to hoarding, surprised her the most and it showed on her features. Hayley glanced up to Clark and then back to their path again, considering the situation and mulling it over in her mind. It felt like the kind of thing that she wasn't sure she could ever judge, something she might never have enough honest, objective information about. Not that Clark was lying, but that everyone - herself included - was always biased in their sharing of information.

"So you overestimated and made a mistake," she replied lightly. "Or underestimated? Whatever. I mean, I still don't get the whole idea of building robots in the first place and the whole AI thing sounds the beginning of some dystopian novel, but you have more advanced technology to begin with."

After a beat, she added, "I don't think you're reckless? I think you just try way too hard and overestimate your ability to save everyone. But.. maybe that's part of the job."

Hayley's tone conveyed that she wasn't thrilled about that detail. It was similar to something Bart had told her once, about needing to feel like everyone was his responsibility and that he could save them all. An inability to recognize ones' limits was more likely to get people killed than not trying enough - maybe that was a recklessness in and of itself.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

(no subject)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

forever late due to hiatus; feel free to drop