tushanshu_logs | used to care, but times have changed. [ catch-all ]

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used to care, but times have changed. [ catch-all ]

Who
When
Where
What
Warn

"Jacob Kane" (Cain) & You
Catch-all for the rest of August
Various places in Keeliai
Cain reacclimatizes to life on a a turtle floating through the Dreaming. Basically just make something up and I bet you Cain is there somewhere.
The thread with Gene delves into imagery of torture and child abuse. (If you could take a moment, consider filling this out!)

There was a whole lot that hadn't actually changed in the city. Small things, different businesses here and there, maybe a few more houses in one district and some converted or otherwise gone in another. It was familiar in the way any city was after a time lapse, although Cain would be the first to admit that it was a significant enough change for hardly a year's time since his last visit. At least that meant it was easy to catch up on old ground.

However, now he found himself staying at and working at the Hotel however temporarily until he got his feet truly underneath him. That was good, a simple task to keep an eye on people and make himself comfortable again. Working with the Metalworkers on his own projects kept the rest of the time occupied. The vast majority of Cain's free time, however, was spent exploring the city and feeling out the atmosphere, talking to kedan and foreigners alike. He had cleaned himself up and changed his wardrobe just enough to look older than his usual early-twenties for a change of pace. Usually, this wasn't the sort of thing Cain would care about; usually, this was the sort of bed the city could make and lie in all on its own for the denial of taking responsibility they'd dragged in themselves; usually, he wasn't stuck here forced to be a part of it with a bunch of others who were in much the same situation.

Usually, it sucked to have a sense of responsibility for those he felt close to.

Most of his days consisted of hitting up local businesses, making himself known to the locals as someone helpful and harmless and getting whatever gossip he could. Cain checked in on the few friends he had, and looked to make any more to improve his own situation. It never hurt to make use of a specifically positive image, after all. He might as well have a bit of fun with it.

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All Cain really wanted to do right now was get his head on straight. He wanted to fight the flashback, the helplessness and jumbled emotions gently shredding his mind to ribbons, but he didn't have any tools for that. His support net was in another dimension, his spot of safety in the city unreasonably far away considering his state, and all he had was someone he hardly knew apparently trying to help. Cain couldn't totally guess at why as he was, but he figured it was close to home in some way that Gene didn't want to abandon someone going through this.

He was grateful and frustrated by that at the same time. It felt like he should have more practice or control at dealing with this, alone or not, but that wasn't how it worked. Not with something like this, not with something as unpredictable as a mind overflowing with memories good, bad and buried. Sometimes it could be combated, sometimes it just took over so completely that he wasn't even cognizant enough to fight. He was somewhere between that right now, still unable to find his footing.

"It's on me," he said, watching in quiet fear and faint disassociation as the scalpel sliced through his body along lines they'd sharpied onto his skin that had yet to fade. Like some kind of horrific ziploc bag; reseal it and save the rest for later when you wanted more.

"If you say so," Gene said, opting to humor him. They'd about reached the shop by now; if Kane could hold on just a little bit longer, they'd be in and seated before anyone knew it.

Luckily, it was a slightly off hour, and there were many open tables. Gene found one where the other man would have his back to the wall and led him there. At least it was quieter in here, less overwhelming than it was outside. That was a double-edged sword: it took away some of the stimulation, but at the same time the quiet environment made it easier to focus on the phantoms inside one's own head.

Cain held on. Literally and metaphorically, keeping whatever senses he could tuned to Gene and the crowd around them until they stepped into a building, slightly stuffy from the heat and the lack of proper cross-breeze, and it was only Gene's continued movement that kept him in motion. When they got to the table, he stared at it blankly before making a rather coordinated falling motion into the chair while letting go at the same time. It was quieter, more private, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to be thankful for that or not.

Seated, it changed some of his perspective. He could finally sit back and look at himself to try and dissuade the mental image that superimposed over his senses. He wasn't cut up, nor falling apart, nor in any kind of physical duress despite the signals his mind was sending out. His hand came to press protectively against his heart and he tried to simply sit and breathe. Sift through what he was feeling and what he was actually experiencing.

A coordinated falling motion was better than Gene could pull off, some days. Today was a good day, and he sat down across from Kane with no apparent issues or distress. But at least Kane had sat down. Gene had not been looking forward to trying to force him to sit, especially not if his knees locked in protest against the coerced movement.

Gene watched him, his own hands folded on the table, shaking off the specter of his own past by breathing deeply and focusing on what was real, trying to tell himself five truths. My name is Temujin. I am in Keeliai. I am twenty years old. I have been here for three years. He cannot hurt me anymore.

He reached up for his neck and tugged down on the necklace underneath his shirt, as though to remind himself it was still there. He wouldn't count the rings now, but if the string was still there the rings would be too. He almost missed Kane pressing against his chest; not the right place for his heart. Was he remembering an injury he'd taken, or something else?

That one was definitely practice. Muscle memory helped where everything else was on vacation, and Cain was grateful his body still understood the motions while he was too distracted to remember how they actually went. His hand shifted from his heart to cover his eyes — then quickly snapped away when the darkness was the last thing he wanted. It was a blank canvas for his memories to paint upon. He was tired, but not close to wanting sleep.

He just wanted a reprieve.

It was more isolated here, more difficult to find things to focus on that weren't internal. He scrabbled around until he latched onto something, anything, to use to hold him upright in the storm. "Who's Iroh?"

Gene kept repeating those five truths in his head like a mantra, and found himself going over the last one again and again, like the needle of his mind had gotten caught in a groove. He cannot hurt me anymore. He cannot hurt me anymore. He cannot hurt me anymore.

How true was that, really? How true could that possibly be when the shade of Zhang still lurked behind his actions, tainting every bit of his brain with its presence? Zhang hadn't been summoned to Keeliai, but that didn't mean that part of him hadn't come along for the ride.

The question seemed to startle Gene from his brief, troubled reverie. "One of the Foreigners. He'd been here for a while, but recently disappeared. I don't know if you knew Zuko, but he was Zuko's uncle."

That was something Cain noticed, didn't process, set away for later when he could go over what was happening now with a clear head. He just had to follow the flow now and fight the undercurrent trying to drag him underneath. At least he wasn't getting sick. At least he wasn't saying things without realizing. At least Abel wasn't here to see him falling to pieces in ways his immortality couldn't fix.

"Didn't know him," Cain said. He was going to fix that this time around. Meet as many foreigners as he could, figure out where he could place himself to be useful. It was the closest thing he had to friends, family, anyone related to him that he could hold on to. People displaced just like him. Without other people, there wasn't really a point to Cain's existence, was there?

"Shame," Gene said conversationally. "He was a good person. Zuko and Wan were, too. And Katara and Sokka. It seems like most of the people from that world just...disappeared recently." And that was a shame. Katara had saved Gene's life, and Sokka was a brilliant little schemer, and Wan and Zuko had been friends. He missed all of them.

A kedan waiter came to take their order, and Gene put in for two of the house blends. It didn't really matter what the blend was, really, just so long it gave them something to occupy their senses.

"That world... or just good people in general?"

Cain wasn't sure he wanted to think like that, but it was an easy rabbit trail to follow. More and more people disappearing, maybe not getting as fortunate as him to return where they could do some good, right when they could use all the help they could get. This whole island was in trouble, even the turtle itself, and here they were just sitting in a cafe and talking.

Well, talking might have been overestimating it. Neither of them were being particularly verbose and Cain still felt like something was broken, wrong, like it should have been written all over his face. It wasn't, he knew it wasn't, but his feelings couldn't be budged. When Gene ordered for them both, Cain just nodded and still avoided eye contact. Looking up meant looking back; all he wanted was to not have to look at all.

"That world in particular," Gene said, "but it does seem like we're losing a lot of good people. We are getting some back, though." Like Bianca.

The peril they were all in - the Chihuelans, the sinking turtle, and all the rest of it - didn't escape Gene, but since coming to Keeliai he'd stopped worrying quite so much about things he couldn't do anything about yet. Better to prepare and take respite when he could.

"Like me," Cain said, more of an automatic response in an attempt at humor. He raised a hand to brush at the bangs sitting over his face and curled arms up loosely around his torso while he began to try and take in the shop completely.

It wasn't anything special, but there were some people here and there (white coats, cold hands, some of them were talking and Cain could hear the make-believe murmur like it was still happening) and he wondered. They all had their own problems. Would they even begin to guess what it was like for a foreigner in their city, taking all of their own baggage and then being forced to carry some of theirs, too? These weren't his usual thoughts. It usually didn't bother him; life was as tough as it was great, and sometimes that toughness just piled all together and you weathered through it or died trying.

He just couldn't get it out of his head right now.

It looked like Kane was beginning to space out a little again. Time to bring him back. Gene smiled a bit at his accidental humor. "It is good to see you back." Good to see people returning at all, really. They'd lost so many in the run-up to the final confrontation with Malicant. "Do you think this means more people will come?" Once someone was drawn from a world, the barrier between them seemed to be weaker - how else could he explain Tony and Pepper, pulled here like a magnet?

He didn't quite snap out of it with the continued conversation, but it did draw Cain's attention back to Gene. He swallowed, winced and hid it. More people would be helpful. More people would mean more stuck in the fallout of a war they had no hand in. Although, now that the war was over, something his mind grasped at an idea and his eyes narrowed thoughtfully. He was silent for a long moment rather than giving an easy reply.

"Why are people still coming?" Wasn't the whole idea to be a help against Malicant where the kedan couldn't do it on their own? With their adversary gone and the kedan obviously hoping to have their own independence in one way or another... "They could stop the spell. Couldn't they?"

Gene shook his head. "If there's a way to turn it off, we haven't found it yet. It doesn't seem like Evastelei was big on keeping notes." Which suited Gene just fine, honestly. He didn't want to go back to his world. Keeliai was a safer bet for him.

Regardless of anyone wanting to stay or go home, it would probably help the situation as a whole for the foreigners to establish stability. No one leaving unexpectedly or someone arriving and shaking everything up by being too far out of their comfort zone or appearing in the middle of some crisis. Still... if they couldn't figure out how to turn it off, then that was another thing entirely.

The waiter returned, and in good time as well. Cain took the cup almost before it touched the table and put his hands around it, then brought it up to his lips. It helped wash away the scent of blood sticking to his nostrils, the feeling of cold spreading through his fingers that wasn't really there. He drank slowly, deep and invested in the motion.

"No students, or anyone else involved in the maintenance of the spell?" he asked once he had had a moment to let it sink in. If one didn't keep notes, then there were other ways of retaining information and passing it down. Apprentices or confidantes.

Gene wasn't sure he'd even like to control it - short of it not sending people away. He knew it was cowardly, and he could admit that to himself, but his world held nothing for him, and if Tony or Pepper disappeared, it would break his heart.

He mirrored Cain's slow intake of the tea, letting it engage all his senses. It really was a magical drink.

"Not that we're aware of. Seems Eshai did it all herself, and when she died, Eva took over and kept it running."

There was definitely something to be said over controlling the flow of foreigners. Either from helping them stay in the world or pulling more in on command when necessary, or perhaps changing the tune only to pull people who could benefit from the radical change in scenery for whatever reason. As it was now, acting utterly random without the guidance of an actual consciousness... well, it made their being there almost redundant if their stay wasn't ensured.

Cain set the cup down in thought, picked it back up and drank more before he hunched somewhat in his chair to look into the liquid. He saw blood pooled inside, but the scent that reached his nose told him differently, the heat in his hands radiating too much warmth to be from inside of him. He closed his eyes just long enough to try and push the image away.

"Now that Eva's gone as well, there isn't anyone, and there are no records, either," he said slow, musing. "It would be starting all over from scratch."

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used to care, but times have changed. [ catch-all ]

or SUPER nutso, one of the two

why not both?

is it possible to be both at once?

I don't see why not

then let us also be SUPER... up later than we probably should be

can't be tamed! CAN'T BE TAMED!

can kind of be tamed

NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER

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