tushanshu_logs | You'd be damned to be one of us

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You'd be damned to be one of us | Open

Characters: Fai, Raine, Kratos, and OPEN
Date: The first week of May
Location: The Healer's Guild
Situation: Fai is in bad shape after losing his only food source, and some very nice people are trying to keep him alive.
Warnings/Rating: Content warning for discussion of death, death wishes, blood, self-neglect. Also probably crying about missing boyfriends and being a stubborn idiot.

A; Raine, then later Kratos

[He's sitting in an examination room, small and sterile, largely free of any adornment. Just a bed and blank walls and despite Klaus's insistence (the man had carried him over here from the Hotel like an invalid) there's nothing at all they can do for him here. Unless they can bring back--

NOnonono don't think about him

Fai slips off the edge of the bed, ostensibly to pace. He won't try to leave, not just yet, because he's already worried Klaus too much and maybe if he gets Raine to agree with him that there's nothing to be done people will just leave him alone about it. But the hunger is like fire in his veins and his strength is giving out. His legs buckle and he sort of folds down in a heap on the floor, forehead down against his knees, a sob caught in his throat.

It's been months since he's been alone with his thoughts like this. Alone with himself is not a good place for Fai to be, even though that's where he'd rather be right now.

Who wants an audience to die in pain?]

B; OPEN

[For the first week or so of May, Fai will be staying at the Healer's Guild while Raine and company work on a way to keep him alive. He's in bad shape, this week. Paler than usual, clammy skin, his ordinarily thin and pretty features now gaunt and drawn. Healing magic has helping, somewhat, but it can't reverse the fact that he's still starving to death.

Raine has asked to be notified of all visitors. Assuming someone is fine with letting her know they're here, or if they're willing to try to sneak in otherwise, it's easy enough to find Fai. For most of the week he'll be lying in bed, alternately looking as though he's either trying to stay awake or trying to hold back a grimace of pain.]

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[He's not quite curled in the fetal position on top of the sheets on the bed, but he's close. His blond hair is loose and limp around his face, his hands clenching into weak fists and then uncurling, over and over again, his breathing shallow. If it were possibly for the skinny man to look any skinnier than he already did, he's managed it here.

At the sound of Devin's voice he stills, his hands ceasing their movement, and then he opens his one good eye. Rather than the usual bright blue, his eye is golden and slitted like a cat's. Fai moves his head just far enough to get a better look at the man in the doorway.

He doesn't smile, just blinks.]

Still trying to hurt my feelings, Sir Knight?

[Devin doesn't answer immediately. The change in his eye - not just color but shape - is vaguely unsettling; but since Fai barely looks like he can stay standing in a stiff breeze, he's not especially concerned. If the man was skinny before, he's positively gaunt now.]

I think that would be overdoing it at this point, don't you? I'm a bastard, not a sadist.

[The vampire's expression is notably empty of a smirk, and he tilts his head.]

That was you, wasn't it? On the network.

Ah, yes. An important distinction.

[There's a wry tone in Fai's voice, followed by a wince as he very slowly attempts to push himself up in the bed far enough to prop himself up on the pillows. If he moves slowly enough maybe he can hide the worst of it from Devin, at least. If he moves slowly enough his hands don't shake quite as badly.

His one good eye snaps back up to Devin at the question.]

...yes. I suppose there's no harm in outing myself at this point. That was me.

There's no need to get up on my account.

[Something about Fai's frailty, about the way he moves like it's taking all of his strength screams dying animal. And Fai may have to go through this over and over again until the turtle is done with him.]

How much time do you have left?

[Devin may not feel it's necessary, but Fai does. He falls back on the pillows propped up against the headboard, satisfied at least that he's somewhat upright and not speaking to another adult while lying prone.

At the question he lets out a little huff of a helpless laugh.]

I don't really know. I've been a vampire for less than a year. I had read about them previously, but I'd never met one until shortly before I became like this--and we didn't stay with them. Kur-- my prey never let it get this bad.

[Fai is answered by silence. Devin doesn't move. His expression doesn't change. In fact, he hardly breathes, but his mind is running a million miles an hour, hung up on a single word:

Vampire.

Quite suddenly, a lot of things make sense that didn't before, or at least have greater context. The way Fai seemed near terrified of him, how that had resurged when he found out Devin was a vampire hunter, the details of the network post. Instinct has him wanting to walk calmly across the room and snap Fai's neck, but--

But logic is warring with him. Fai has a heartbeat. He's alive in a way that Devin is not; and more than that, killing him would have no purpose. Fai's going to die anyway like this, and he'll come back no matter what the cause of death. Even knowing that, Devin is suddenly very tense, though it's impossible to see.

His voice is quiet and utterly controlled when he speaks.]

I hope you didn't just let that slip with the intent of getting me to harm you.

[Fai watches Devin quietly, blinking one golden, cat-like eye from his nest of pillows. When he attempts to smile it's a small, bitter thing.]

I can't say it didn't cross my mind, but that wasn't my sole intention, no. Although if you're going to kill me I'd appreciate you making it quick. I'm in... some amount of pain, here, and I'm going to die either way.

[He falls quiet again for a moment, then asks in a low voice:]

Do you hate me?

[Devin looks away, sighing. It's a question worth asking, and one he does actually have to think about. He hates his own species; he hates what they are and what they represent and what they do. He hates that they prey on the living when they have no right.

Fai is not like Devin. He has a heartbeat, that very marker that draws the line between being a vampire and being human. Being truly alive. And from what he can tell, Fai is only able to feed off one person, neatly eliminating most of his other concerns. This man, this vampire, is more capable of joy than many humans he's met.

If anything, Devin is jealous.]

No, Fai. I don't hate you. And I'm not going to kill you; not now, anyway.

I know something like what you're feeling. It's probably different for each of our species, but I've been this starved before. If there's no other option for you, no other way to keep you alive and no one willing to do what needs to be done, I will.

[It should be some kind of relief, that Devin isn't planning to kill him out of hand just for being a vampire, but Fai can't help but feel a bit let down. Even if he's going to come right back to this world after "dying," death now would spare him some of this pain. It would mean a little less time, in the long run, to feel this empty inside. To miss the people he loves. Devin's offer to help is nice, but how much longer is that going to take?

Not that he's going to mention any of that. What he says, instead, is simply:]

I appreciate that. Thank you.

[He shifts on the bed, biting back a groan of pain as he turns onto his side, then regards Devin again.]

Are you going to come in, or stand in the doorway forever?

[If Fai were to say it, were to ask, Devin would probably give him only a few days more of this. And if he comes back, if this becomes a merry-go-round of pain and sorrow with the only out being death, Devin will kill Fai as many times as it takes for the spell to let go. He's killed so many people already; it's not as though it'll leave a greater stain on him, and no other person should have to bear that responsibility.

All the same, Devin is in no hurry to extinguish Fai's life.

After a few more seconds of introspection, Devin pushes off the door frame with his shoulder and steps into the room properly, remaining a few feet from Fai's bed.]

I'd offer to try resiring you if I thought it would help any, but I think it would just make your situation worse. I'm not that skilled.

[He sighs, glancing at the dying man, and his jaw tightens.]

If you can still think of anything other than the hunger, I'd say you have about a week at most, if you're somewhat like me. When there's nothing else, two or three days. I was... very young, but that's about what I remember.

[The vampires Fai's met before--Kamui and Subaru--never used the term 'sire' that Fai can remember. Then again, they only knew the vampire twins briefly in Tokyo before moving on. Still, Fai is fairly well-read, and used to all manner of magical and supernatural oddities, and he's pretty sure he can guess what Devin means by "resire."

The logistics of such a thing... Fai has no idea how that would work, but he's pretty sure Devin's got the right idea by not trying.

He nods at Devin's assessment.]

It's as good a guess as any. I suppose after this time I'll know for next time. [a pause] Why were you starving?

[Devin is silent for a little while as he considers whether to tell Fai what happened. Thus far, he and Kratos are the only ones in Keeliai who know that Devin is a vampire hunter. Neither of them yet know why.

He looks away again. Perhaps Fai deserves to know above any other, so that he understands better why Devin has made the choices he has. Fai, the vampire, who he has chosen not to destroy.]

I starved myself, [he says, voice quiet and tight.] My particular species-- when we're starved we become animals. Brutal, violent, savage - enormously powerful and extremely difficult to stop for a short period of time. Then we find blood, or we die.

[Devin pauses, as if he's reconsidering explaining this. Most of the time, he's good at hiding his emotions, but this-- this he has little practice with. This is something he's told only a very small handful of people in the past century. The last person he told tried to cut his heart out.]

I was different, when I was a child: nearly as weak as humans. Slow. And I didn't understand, nor did I enjoy, treating humans like fodder. I didn't like... playing with my food. For this, my father beat me, and discovered I could scar. None of the rest of my species can. I was six. [Fai might notice that there are scars on his arms that are visible.] After that, half the time he beat me because he hated me, and half the time he just wanted to know how far he could go, and how much I could take. How long it took me to heal. I no longer remember what my back looks like unmarred. The rest of my family treated me like I was an abomination. When I was eleven, I decided I had had enough. [Now, Devin turns back, and his expression is not so much a smile as it is a bitter upward twist to his face.] So I let myself become a beast. And then I killed them.

[Fai had known when he asked, at least on some level, that he was probably in for some sort of painful story. Could there really be any good reason for starving, even for a creature such as they are? And though it had taken him a while to get around to it, the other man had been fairly forthcoming about himself when they'd first met, so Fai couldn't imagine getting completely brushed off--even if he only got a half-answer.

What he got, instead, was so far from what he'd even imagined....

Starving himself, well. Fai had never starved himself to the point of death, but then again Kurogane had never let him. The blond could relate to that part. Actually he could relate to far more of Devin's story than he would admit. Still lying on his side, curled up on the bed, he closes his one good eye as Devin speaks of abuse at the hands of his family. Furrows his brow when Devin says that he'd only been six years old, that his father had hated him.

Turns his head to bury his face in the pillow at the word abomination. He's still like that, paler even than usual and hiding his face, when Devin turns back. Except then Devin falls silent, at the end of his story, and Fai should probably say something. He has experience with something like this, after all. Doesn't that make it his job to be comforting, somehow?

After a moment he turns his head back to the side, hesitantly opens one blue eye though he doesn't look up at Devin. His voice, when he speaks, is small and shaky.]

I'm sorry they treated you that way. No child deserves to go through something like that.

[Based on their last conversation, Devin had guessed that Fai hadn't gone through life unscathed - what form that took was anyone's guess. The way Fai does his best to turn away in this condition, only visible at first out of the corner of his eyes, makes him wonder again. Now is probably not the time to ask. He's suffering enough as it is.

Devin shakes his head when Fai eventually speaks, breathing out in a huff.]

No, they don't; however, I'm not telling you this to garner sympathy. I'm telling you so that you understand why it is that I hunt my own - one reason among many, but the first reason I ever came to. That kind of behavior is not uncommon among vampires in my world. They allow their baser natures to bleed into everything they do and commit brutality where brutality is not called for. We have no souls and no heartbeat.

[He takes another slow breath, and some of the tension seems to ease from him, though it's still written in the curve of his shoulders.]

You're not like them, Fai. You're not like me. You are more alive than I have ever been or ever will be, which is why, more than anything else, that I won't kill you unless I have to. [Unspoken there is also unless you ask.] What I said before still stands - you're alive, so you're worth the goddamned bother.

[Fai finally raises his gaze to Devin, watching the other man for a time before shaking his head, very slightly.]

I don't believe any of that. You're alive. You're standing here, talking to me. Trying to make an idiot see reason. If you don't have a soul... then maybe that's not what I think of as a soul at all.

[He offers a smile--slight, and pained, but genuine.

At that last part from Devin, about being worth the bother, Fai drops his gaze back to the bed beside him, fidgeting with the sheet. He probably owes Devin some sort of explanation in return, though the entirety of it would be too much. Too long a story, too painful, too much to burden someone else with. But maybe just enough to explain some of the things he's done here in Keeliai so far.]

When I was a child, I was made to believe I'd done something... unforgivable. Unspeakably selfish. I've spent the rest of my life, more years than I can remember, trying to make up for that evil. Hoping that someone would kill me, so it would just end. So I wouldn't have to hurt anyone again.

Right before I found myself here, I found out the truth. That my memory had been tampered with, to make me think I'd done that horrible thing. But then we were here, and then I lost Ku-- [His voice cracks; instead of finishing the name he just presses his lips together and closes his eye for a moment.]

Well. I haven't really been able to get a grip on everything just yet. I've been trying, but then... this happened.

I'm deathless-- undead. It's not the same thing as living.

[As far as arguments go, it's spoken with absolute certainty rather than force. This is simply the way things are, Devin believes. The rest he chooses not to respond to; he may lack a soul in his body, but he doesn't lack morality.

Devin isn't expecting anything from Fai, no return of shared sorrows, so he's just a shade surprised when that's exactly what he gets. He listens, holding Fai's gaze when he actually raises it to him - studying, perhaps. Though Devin keeps it from reaching his expression, he does feel sympathy for the other man. Like Fai had said: no one deserves that kind of treatment.]

Life knocking you on your ass doesn't leave much room for self-reflection, [Devin says somewhat absently, as though speaking from some experience. They've not yet reached the depths of his greatest secrets, nor will they likely ever.] You've been made to think you don't deserve the life you have - are you angry?

What's the difference? A couple of words? A heartbeat? You still have a heart. [No matter how much you try to hide it, Devin.]

[It's certainly uncharacteristic of Fai to offer anything about himself, anything more than the most basic facts. That he's a wizard. That he travels. That he loves his family, even if he had to find them first. But as he said, he's been trying to work on that. He's not the monster he's always believed himself to be, and as long as he doesn't burden someone too much, well. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to talk about... some of it. He's making progress, just very slowly.

He's also dying, and Devin has offered far more already. And if Devin truly doesn't care, he can simply walk out the door. Fai at least trusts the man to do that much.]

No, I suppose it doesn't. [And Fai has been knocked on his ass so, so many times by life.] Angry? I... I'm angry at the man who did this, who keeps hurting the people around me. But mostly I'm just tired, and I miss my family.

[Not just Kurogane, all of them. Every sweet, perfect one of them.]

The difference is that my race is damned to hell, Fai. That's an inevitability the truly living aren't born or forced into by their very existence.

[There's a faint sort of resignation in the way Devin says it. This is the reason he doesn't give any vampire a chance to prove themselves morally upright: they still belong to demons. Even he's not exempt from his own mission.

And he wants to not care, but something has kept him from hardening beyond that point. Now that he's here, leaving would be more callous than the situation calls for. Perhaps that's reason enough alone to do exactly that, and yet his feet remain planted.]

And since apparently little matters here, since we supposedly return to the moment we left with no memory and no impression of this place, you've decided not to fight for your life? Or am I missing something?

[It's quiet, not accusatory. On the one hand, Devin understands that Fai simply wants this over with, and on the other he's of the mind that no life should be wasted if it has any chance of being saved. Being tired is not enough of an excuse to give up, for him. Then again, he has no family to miss and that's by design. The math might be different if he did.]

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You'd be damned to be one of us | Open

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cw: child abuse, murder

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