tushanshu_logs | [closed] and I watch you as you lose yourself

Entry tags:

[closed] and I watch you as you lose yourself

Characters: Stephanie Brown and Bruce Wayne
Location: Metal Sector, Bruce's suite
Situation: Steph goes to talk to Bruce after meeting Jason. This will go well.
Warnings/Rating: Probably talk of death, Bruce's issues, will update as needed

[This is a bad idea.

The phrase seems to run on an endless loop through her mind as Steph makes her way to the Metal sector, to the building she knows that Bruce is staying in. She'd waited until the party had petered out, until everyone had started drifting home, and it's early evening by the time she's approaching her destination. She'd kept an eye on Bruce, knowing that he must have seen Jason, even if she'd missed the actual confrontation. There's no way Bruce wouldn't have seen him there, and well - the way Bruce had looked during the rest of the party.

Steph might not know him as well as Tim, or Dick, or Cass does, but she's worked with him, she's been Robin, and she knows him well enough to see when he's hurting. It had surprised her a little, how bad she felt for him , despite the fact she's still somewhat sympathetic towards Jason. She wonders if that's a contradiction, or if it's how the rest of their family feels.

Not her family, she has to remind herself as she slips between buildings, keeping to the limited shadows. She has her own family, and anyway, she's never been part of that inner circle, for all that she's dated Tim, been Cass's best friend, worked as Robin. Bruce isn't her family, and the closer she gets to this conversation, the more she starts to question whether she has a right to bring it up.

It's a really bad idea.

But Dick isn't here, neither is Alfred, or Babs, and she doesn't know about Tim, which leaves it to her. Because god forbid she's going to let Bruce stew in this alone, for his sake, for Jason's, and for the entire city of Keeliai. Gotham can handle their family drama, this place isn't built the same way. Maybe she doesn't have a right to talk to him about this, but she cares enough that she wants to try anyway.

She's dressed simply, in "local" clothes, though she'd still been careful to make sure no one sees her, and by the time she's knocking on Bruce's front door, she's confident that her journey here has gone undetected. That doesn't make her any less nervous, and all she can hear is her heart beating too fast as she waits for the door to open.

She hopes this isn't a bad idea.]

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[Her hands tighten aroun the glass, but she makes herself let it go before she ends up with shards in her hands.

Talking about it peripherally is one thing; she's not sure she actually wants to tell Bruce this. It would be different with Jason, he grew up on the streets, he'd understand in a way Bruce probably can't.]

One of my own. About a man named Jim Murray.

[It's a way of testing the waters. She has no idea if Tim might've told Bruce, or if he would have known anyway (How far back into her life did he look when she started as Spoiler? Would the death have raised red flags for him, too? Murray never used drugs until his overdose) but she's not ready to explain straight away.

She realizes her hands are shaking, and clenches them into fists to stop it.]

[He recognizes the name in a vague, peripheral way. The man had been wanted for some petty, small-time crimes, had suffered a drug overdose over eight years ago. He had been friends with--

His jaw tightens briefly. Friends with her father.

There had never been enough to suggest a homicide, though the overdose was unexpected and the man had no history of prescription drug abuse. The way she says his name suggests nothing else. Though murder was rarely a high priority for the Cluemaster, he still racked up a body count over the years, and Bruce has never doubted him capable of it.

How many reasons would there be for father choose to kill a close acquaintance? Especially a father who's as otherwise unconcerned about his daughter's welfare as Arthur always was?

Bruce looks at her, actually just looks. He's done that so rarely, despite the years he's known her. Hard to miss the shaking hands, the way she clenches them to stop it. His tone when he speaks is as gentle as he can make it.]

Do you think it will help?

[He doesn't push her about the subject matter. She'll talk about it if she wants to.]

Edited (attack of the commas!!!) 2012-09-09 03:26 (UTC)

[His response confirms that he knows enough, regardless of how he came by that knowledge, and Steph has no idea how she feels about that. She has an idea of how sick she feels right now; like butterflies in her stomach in the worst possible way. She fights down the urge to tell him to stop looking at her, because it's a reaction born out of shame and she refuses to feel ashamed for something she couldn't control.

There's a long pause before she can speak.]

I don't know. Maybe it'll help, to know there's someone who understands.

[His brow furrows. He looks away.]

Or it could make him angry, to feel as if someone else's father loved them enough to-- seek the sort of justice that Jason wants.

[He doesn't stumble over that word, 'love', even if he knows it doesn't quite apply to Stephanie and Arthur's relationship. But that's always been one of the things that hurt the most, regarding Jason. That the boy saw the Joker's continued existence as a direct correlation to how much Bruce 'didn't' care about him, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.]

Jason's not stupid enough to think he did it because he loved me.

[There's anger there, and a not-very-subtle dig at Bruce, just in case that's what he'd been thinking.]

Jason doesn't know you.

[He's just gonna point that out.]

What, like you do? [She snaps that at him, and then instantly looks apologetic

It's not his fault, thinking about Murray always makes her temper shorter than usual.]

Sorry. I just - [sometimes she feels like she has more in common with Jason than some of the others do.] I wanna try to make a difference, and I think it might help for him to know that what he wants doesn't always make a difference.

[He doesn't flinch, but for a slight flicker of it about the eyes. It's subtle. Easy to miss.]

I'm not saying I know you. I know Jason. Knowing that you've been through something even tangentially similar, knowing that you were Robin will only make him hate everything you stand for. The Lazarus Pit didn't leave his mind--- well.

[Bruce reaches up, pinches the bridge of his nose to ward off an incoming headache. Years too late, honestly.]

Jason died for a woman that... looks very much like you.

["And what do I stand for?"

It's on the tip of her tongue, and maybe an hour ago she would have said it, an hour ago she wouldn't have been so sure. Sometimes she's wondered if her and Bruce really stand for the same thing, when he does things like rescusitating the Joker, when he yelled at her for nearly killing Zsasz while trying to save him.

Maybe that's why Jason has always - interested her.

But for the first time in her life, right now, she actually feels like Bruce cares about her, and that makes a difference. And then there's that last little fact. It hurts, somehow, even though it doesn't make sense that it does.]

I didn't know. About his mother. [she almost echoes his gesture, rubbing the back of her hand against her forehead] You really don't think it'd make things worse?

She betrayed him to the Joker. He still tried to shield her from the bomb blast that killed him.

[He closes his eyes briefly.]

I found her prior to him. She was still alive.

[And if he hadn't stopped-- if he'd just kept looking for Jason-- God, the boy's body was still warm, the blood still bright. If he'd been just a little faster. A minute? Two? Mere seconds? If he'd had the foresight to start CPR-- the brain isn't dead until it's been four to six minutes without oxygen, if he'd been able to get Jason's heart restarted there might have been a chance--

But no. He panicked. The sight of Jason lying there had broken him more completely than Bane could have hoped to accomplish. All of his training, all of his smarts and his skills had amounted to nothing. Nothing but a man who held his son and said his name over and over like a prayer to some deaf god.

He has so many regrets about that day. But all he had to do was live with them. Compared to Jason, he got off easy.

Not a day has gone by where he doesn't wish it had been him. Sometimes he dreams about that, too -- enduring the same brutal beating that was the precursor to Jason's death. If he could have traded their places he'd have sold his soul to do it, and done so gladly. But the world is never that simple, or kind. The world keeps spinning even when the people you love are dead and buried in the ground. No matter the loneliness or the abandonment or the guilt or the pain or the shame you feel, the world spins on.

Even here.

He pushes those thoughts out of his mind. God knows they've never lead him down any path save misery. Instead, he looks back at Stephanie. One of the things that made her such an effective Robin was her boundless passion. Stephanie... she inhabits the moment she's in so completely. It's been a shortcoming often enough in the time he's known her. It's one of the things that gets her into trouble.

But it's also one of the reasons he's talking to her now.

They all do what they do because they care. Bruce has spent years building himself up into something great and untouchable, but the fact of the matter is he knelt in the wreckage of Gotham after the quake and sobbed. He's strongest when he knows eyes are on him. It's when he's alone that he surrenders to his emotions, and those emotions have always ran hot.

But he puts on the cowl not because he enjoys it (though some part of him does. Some part of him relishes fighting back against the crime that took his parents) but because of the people he can help. The lives he can save. The children who won't have to grow up alone, the husbands that can go home to their wives. He does it because he cares, because he always has and despite his best efforts, always will.

Dick is the same. But unlike Bruce, he wears his compassion on his sleeve. Tim, Stephanie, Jason-- one of Jason's shortcomings wasn't that he didn't care enough, it was that he cared too much. Jason saw himself in the weak and the downtrodden and that made him rattlesnake mean when backed into corners.

But Stephanie... maybe she understands more than he's given her credit for. Than he's ever given her credit for. It's a hard pill to swallow, and bitter besides, but maybe he was wrong about her.

Maybe he wanted to be wrong.]

If you want to speak with him, I won't stop you.

[It's not quite the same thing as answering her. But it's the best he's got.]

[Steph's eyes go a little wide, pure shock from the fact that Bruce is talking about this, not just about Jason, but about his death. Before he came back (before she came back) the only time anyone talked to her about Jason was to use him as a warning.

But she read the file, knows that Jason had found his mother only for her to sell him out to the Joker, and she can't even begin to imagine how that betrayal must have felt. For Jason to try to save her...

It helps her settle on the decision to do everything she can to help him. A boy who tried to save the woman who sent him to his death. He shouldn't have woken up alone, to be found by Talia, to come home to find the man who killed him was still wrecking havoc on the world. Jason deserves better, and Bruce couldn't give it to him, even as he talks about finding Jason's body.]

Bruce... [What does she say to that? "I'm sorry" feels cheap, it always does in the face of this. She gave her daughter away, but she hasn't lost a child, and she hopes she'll never have to understand that pain.

So she doesn't say anything, just leaves it alone, and maybe it's better that way. She can address the other thing he said.]

I'll be careful. Both - in approaching him, and what I say.

[At least she's stopped thinking about Murray.]

Carry your communicator. If he attacks you, you'll lose.

[It's not a slur against her skill by any means. Jason's come dangerously close to beating Bruce. The only children of his that have ever stood a chance against Jason are Cassandra and Dick, and even the latter is contingent upon Dick being able to treat Jason like a true threat.]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:03 (UTC)

[For one of the very few times in her life, she doesn't take that as a slight against her. She knows what Jason is capable of, Barbara had warned her against him as well, when he'd started harrassing Dick and Damian, and she'd had the sense to say it's not because I don't think you're good enough.]

I know. I'll keep it with me.

[She realizes, perhaps belatedly, that she hasn't even told Bruce she's already talked to Jason.

She's not sure if she should. But it might be best for her to tell him now, rather than him finding out from Jason at some later point.] He knows I'm here. [the worry in her voice - how mad will Bruce be? - is completely obvious.]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:17 (UTC)

[Hard not to take that as a lie of omission. Bruce's tone is a little sharper when he asks,]

When?

[Oh crap; that tone makes her feel like she's back being Robin, worrying about Bruce firing her]

The barbeque. I was gonna say something, I just-- I got distracted. I'm sorry.

[she sounds apologetic, her words coming in a bit of a rush]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:23 (UTC)

[He puts a lid on his temper. Given the rest of their conversation, he has no doubt it would come as a slap in the face. She's been trying to let her guard down. Trying to trust him, though he's done precious little to earn it.

If nothing else, he can repay her in kind.]

That didn't require an apology.

[It's a little curt, but honestly it's more out of personal discomfort than outright anger at her.]

What did you say to him?

[Steph takes a breath, pausing for a moment while she tries to calm down the instantly defensive reaction she tends to have around Bruce]

He didn't know who I was. [it's almost impossible for her to keep her emotion out of her voice at that; the anger's gone, and now she's just left disappointed.

She wasn't important enough. Not even being Robin made her worth it.]

So I told him. Said I wanted to help, 'cause I didn't want him to start anything with so many civilians around.

[She also didn't want Bruce to start anything, but obviously that fear hadn't been necessary.]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:49 (UTC)

[He exhales sharply through the nose.]

Talia wouldn't have considered you important. Tim was the-- [it galls him to say it] replacement. Jason can't look at you and see a similarly-aged dark-haired boy who stepped into his shoes months after he died.

[Stating the obvious. But it hurts to say it, and maybe that's a good thing. Cathartic.

Or masochistic. It's a fine line.]

How did he react?

[He can imagine. But he hopes he's wrong.]

[Like it galls Bruce to say, Steph can't even comment on it.

The logic she can understand, but that doesn't make it any easier when she already spends a lot of her time dobting whether she's good enough to be a vigilante.

She doesn't get a lot of positive reinforcement.]

Snarkily. [Because if she's going to feel like shit right now, she's going to deal with it with poor attempts at humour] He didn't really react, just left. I let him go.

[As if she'd really had a choice in the matter]

Edited 2012-09-09 10:15 (UTC)

[He makes a noise that falls under the spectrum of 'hmm' and, for lack of anything else to do at the moment he turns his back to her, rinses their glasses in the sink.]

Do you have a plan for the next time you see him?

I haven't really gotten that far into thinking about it. [She's been busy trying not to cry on Batman.

Now that she has - permission, of a sort, she does start to consider it.]

I guess it depends if he's willing to talk to me. Pushing him seems like a bad idea.

[There's a sort of self-aware wryness in her expression; she knows that not pushing isn't exactly something she's good at, this conversation works as a perfect example of that.]

Edited 2012-09-09 10:32 (UTC)

[A bad idea, or exactly what he might need. Bruce didn't push him. Maybe that's why things turned out like they did. If he'd done more than simply tell Jason he was wrong--

It's done. It's done and in the past, and the idea of hoping for more in this place is almost too bright and terrible for him to even consider. Yet the first thing he said to him was shut up, Jason. He'd meant for Jason to drop the pretences he'd been hiding behind. Now... he's almost certain Jason didn't take it that way.]

Be yourself.

[a beat.]

Safely.

[For maybe the tenth time in this conversation, Steph is taken aback by what comes out of Bruce's mouth.

It's basically the opposite of what she usually hears from him. Not the "safely" part, but being encouraged to be herself isn't exactly standard fare. Usually he's telling her she's too passionate, or stubborn, or hot-headed or any number of adjectives that generally mean bad things.

It's strange to hear him tell her to be herself. It reminds her of the time she'd spent all night making her own running commentary, only to realize her comm device had been on the whole time, and Bruce had heard every word.

He said he hadn't minded hearing her. It feels like a lifetime ago.]

I think I can manage that.

[even the "safely" part.]

Please do.

[He finishes drying the glass and sets it to one side, reaching out to grip the edge of the sink so he can avoid turning around.]

I haven't always been fair to you, Stephanie. I'm going to try to change that here. If you need me, ask.

[There is an incredibly long silence during which Steph just stares at Bruce.

With everything they've talked about tonight, with how she's feeling, that final comment has just short circuited her brain. The last time he really said something like this to her was when she was on her death bed and he promised that she really had been Robin, that no one could take it away from her.

But she's not dying right now and he has no reason (like guilt) to be nice to her, even if most people don't need reasons to be nice, Bruce usually isn't like that, at least in her experience. And even ignoring the fact that it's coming from Bruce, hearing someone admit they haven't been fair to her is also something she's not sure what to do with. When people treat her badly she usually just sucks it up and moves on. The only person who actually tried to change was her mom once she'd gotten clean.

This is too hard.]

Alright.

[That's all that she can manage, and then she's just going to look at the ground instead of staring at his back because she doesn't know what to do.]

Edited 2012-09-23 18:33 (UTC)

[closed] and I watch you as you lose yourself

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