But I still wake up, I still see your ghost;

[youfallback]

Characters: Carolina and York
Date: Backdated to Tues or Weds
Location: York's suite, metal sector
Situation: Potentially awkward dinner with York and Carolina. Probably some small talk and serious discussions of Bad Things.
Warnings/Rating: Freelancer Things, awkward, etc. Maybe language.


[Things like having dinner shouldn't cause Carolina's stomach to twist and turn uncomfortably in her gut, but if they're short talk after her arrival had told her anything, it was that things were unbearably different between them. Conversation wasn't easy, wasn't natural, wasn't anything like it used to be. Even under the intense pressure of the Project, they'd still managed to talk as people when the job was done.

As she approaches his door, she reminds herself that it can happen again. They can re-build; they have to be able to re-build and she refuses to believe otherwise. So, she's out of her armor, her braided back and dressed in something she'd found here on the turtle, an open-collared cross garment with plain trousers and boots. Not her usual style, but she hoped it'd give the aire of her being at least mildly comfortable instead of her armor.

After a moment of hesitation, she raps as gently as she can against the door before stepping back and reminding herself to breathe.]

Comments

[youfallback]

[At that, she draws back away from him a little, feeling her internal walls go up a little. ]

Right. [After all that talk of re-building, her more-bitter, more-jaded side reminds her that York's just as capable of lying as anyone else.]

[agentdork]

I-- shit.

[ Yeah, that was the wrong thing to say. York withdraws, drags a hand over his face and tries to smile. ]

I'm sorry. That was-- wasn't how I meant for it to come out.

[youfallback]

[Carolina shakes her head, trying to smile, but it's a horrible twisted thing for a moment before she just drops it all together.]

No, don't. [She shakes her head again. Yeah, he's dead. She saw the grave herself, had the lighter, saw the journals, had wasted years of his life doing nothing but letting him think she was dead.

Only to fail in the face of Texas again. To need help from sim soldiers. No, she should have expected that telling him he was dead would drive a block between them.]

[agentdork]

No, I'm serious.

[ He can't do it either, but he tries, reaching out, gripping her shoulder tightly. ]

I never-- it just. It's taking a while. To settle in, that this is what I've got.

[youfallback]

[She should understand that it takes time to really grip that kind of thing. Hell, she should be the one reassuring him, but she just settles for keeping her walls up instead.]

It's fine, I understand. [There's a certain sincerity lacking in her response.]

[agentdork]

[ He flinches at that, because this-- Christ, even at her worst, even when she was worried over Texas and the team, this wasn't her. What the fuck happened? ][ No, he's not touching that one with a ten foot pole. ]

[youfallback]

[At that flinch, Carolina's frustration skyrockets. Goddammit, nothing's going right. Nothing's going right and she's not good enough and she won't ever be and--- anger starts to heat up her gaze, but it's not directed toward him. She's turned half away from him, trying to bite that fury back down but she's having a real hard time right now and she's tempted to just throw in the towel on the rest of the night.]

oh i accidentally a word hfjgh

[agentdork]

[ Goddamnitttttt. This isn't how he wanted things to go at all.

York drags his hand over his face, quietly frustrated and then takes two long steps toward her on the couch, settling in next to her, a hand on her shoulder. ]

We used to know how to do this.

:cccc which one was it?

[youfallback]

[Carolina can feel some of that frustration in him and it reminds her too acutely of the past few months. She didn't care when it was sim soldiers thinking she was a psycho bitch, but York was different. The fact that he's still helping her after she's pulling her walls up on him is mortifying to her, but she's trying to stay here, to just try one more time.]

I know. [She struggles to keep her words even, but it's knowing that conversation between them used to be natural and fun that makes it all the harder for her to be failing at it now.] I want to fix it.

[God, it's been a while since she's been this angry at herself.]

between the two brackets

[agentdork]

We can fix it.

[ He says it as confidently as he can manage right then, and smiles, and while it's small and a little off, it's still an attempt and he runs his hand up and down her arm affectionately. ]

aw :c (also just thought of york as fix it felix and carolina as calhoun)

[youfallback]

[And she does appreciate the attempt. She appreciates him still trying when anyone else would have given up. She nods a little gingerly, glad that they're at least on the same page there.

And then abruptly changes the subject,] I'm going to the mainland. On Friday.

oh god babies

[agentdork]

[ ... Augh, he was hoping she wouldn't, but he's not surprised. York hesitates a moment and swallows back what he wants to say, just nodding instead. ]

That so. Anyone find anything there yet?

[youfallback]

Not yet, no. [The subject change is at least helping with the anger a little. She can let it out in little bits of steam until it's gone instead of unleashing it on him.]

Doesn't mean I won't.

[agentdork]

Yeah, but I-- what if the turtle...thing leaves without you?

[youfallback]

[Carolina hadn't thought of that, really, and she forces herself to not say "so?"] You'll find a way to get me.

[agentdork]

Yeah, screw that. I'm going with you if that's the case.

[ Nope. Nope nope nope, you're the only person he has here from his world, he's not going to just let you go. ]

[youfallback]

[Frowning, a little confused at his reaction.] I'll be fine, York.

[agentdork]

I'm not saying you won't, I'm just saying I'm not letting you go out there alone.

[youfallback]

[The anger starts to slowly drain out of her the longer she watches him, considering telling him no, but.] It's not going to be easy from what I've heard.

[agentdork]

So?

[ Dude, he's dealt with "not easy" before. He can handle this. ]

[youfallback]

[Sorry York, the last "competent" person she talked to was Wash and he disappointed her.]

Sorry, I'm used to talking to sim soldiers. [More like yelling. More like being buttmad furious at them for not bending to her every whim.]

I'll come by on Friday before I head out.

[agentdork]

...Augh, why?

[ he's only vaguely had to deal with them okay, and that one time was...well. It was something. York pulls a face at that, sympathetic. ]

[youfallback]

[Carolina raises her eyebrows for a moment before her expression becomes distinctly more somber.] I didn't have a choice.

[And she's about to stop there, before her pessimism and negativity gets the better of her.] They abandoned me too in the end.

[Super dramatically. Sure, they'd come back, sure, but part of her considers that to have been Wash's work. Or coming to help Church.]

[agentdork]

[ He can understand that. When you've got no one else to turn to and there's a distinct lack of friends there to help you out, he understands how sobering it can be to have to turn to that-- to someone you don't know or someone you don't want to turn to, for help.

Still, it's the second sentence that really hurts.

They abandoned me too, in the end.

He opens his mouth to protest that-- he hadn't abandoned her. He hadn't even known she was hurt like that, he hadn't found out until reports of her being dead had gotten through to him and even then he'd never stopped looking, stopped hoping. York takes a slow step back, dragging his hand through his hair, leaving it standing up every which way.

I didn't abandon you.

Except, no, he kind of had. He kind of really, really had, with how shittily things had gone and how fast they had gone to hell. He'd never taken the time to explain to her what happened, he'd just assumed-- just hoped that she'd understand and instead, gotten his ass kicked for it.

The words settle in, ache a little more than he's comfortable with, and he swallows harder. ]

I'm sorry.

[youfallback]

[She watches him as he steps back, opens and closes his mouth, and internally reminds herself that shoving things like this in York's face isn't letting go. Reminding him of what happened wasn't fixing anything. Pressing her lips into a thin line, she glances away for a moment to reign everything back in. He's going to come with her to the mainland, he's not being forced at gunpoint to help her, he's not trying to get anything out of it, he just wants to help. That's all he's wanted to do since she got here: help.

Shaking her head, she replies, stumbling a little over the concept of forgiveness.] It's in the past. I shouldn't--- [Bring it up like that, shove it in his face and force him to see her side of things.] I shouldn't.