tushanshu_logs | [closed] and I watch you as you lose yourself

Entry tags:

[closed] and I watch you as you lose yourself

Characters: Stephanie Brown and Bruce Wayne
Location: Metal Sector, Bruce's suite
Situation: Steph goes to talk to Bruce after meeting Jason. This will go well.
Warnings/Rating: Probably talk of death, Bruce's issues, will update as needed

[This is a bad idea.

The phrase seems to run on an endless loop through her mind as Steph makes her way to the Metal sector, to the building she knows that Bruce is staying in. She'd waited until the party had petered out, until everyone had started drifting home, and it's early evening by the time she's approaching her destination. She'd kept an eye on Bruce, knowing that he must have seen Jason, even if she'd missed the actual confrontation. There's no way Bruce wouldn't have seen him there, and well - the way Bruce had looked during the rest of the party.

Steph might not know him as well as Tim, or Dick, or Cass does, but she's worked with him, she's been Robin, and she knows him well enough to see when he's hurting. It had surprised her a little, how bad she felt for him , despite the fact she's still somewhat sympathetic towards Jason. She wonders if that's a contradiction, or if it's how the rest of their family feels.

Not her family, she has to remind herself as she slips between buildings, keeping to the limited shadows. She has her own family, and anyway, she's never been part of that inner circle, for all that she's dated Tim, been Cass's best friend, worked as Robin. Bruce isn't her family, and the closer she gets to this conversation, the more she starts to question whether she has a right to bring it up.

It's a really bad idea.

But Dick isn't here, neither is Alfred, or Babs, and she doesn't know about Tim, which leaves it to her. Because god forbid she's going to let Bruce stew in this alone, for his sake, for Jason's, and for the entire city of Keeliai. Gotham can handle their family drama, this place isn't built the same way. Maybe she doesn't have a right to talk to him about this, but she cares enough that she wants to try anyway.

She's dressed simply, in "local" clothes, though she'd still been careful to make sure no one sees her, and by the time she's knocking on Bruce's front door, she's confident that her journey here has gone undetected. That doesn't make her any less nervous, and all she can hear is her heart beating too fast as she waits for the door to open.

She hopes this isn't a bad idea.]

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[Her expression - the anger and pain in her clenched teeth and furrowed brow - smooths out at the moment Bruce steps out from behind the counter, replaced a second later by confusion. The fact that he hugs her is maybe the most surprising thing that's happened to her in the past few months.

The last time (the only other time) Bruce held her like this was when she'd collapsed in his arms after running from Black Mask, and by then she was barely holding onto consciousness. Her memories of it are fuzzy at best, making her feel like this is an entirely new experience, and for a moment she's not sure how to react. It doesn't help that even the size of Bruce is someting different; Cass and Tim are both smaller than Steph, so she never feels as... encompassed by someone's arms as she does right now.

She wonders if this is what children feel like when their dad's hug them.

Eventually, after what feels like an hour but is really only a few seconds, her breathing evens out and she brings her own arms up to wrap around Bruce in return, her hands gripping to the fabric of his shirt.]

Thank you. [she refuses to let herself cry right now, but her voice is still a little choked up.] I wasn't trying to make this about me, I just want you to understand.

[And that gratitude is so completely unexpected that for a moment Bruce's own self-hatred is a tangible pressure just under his ribcage and his grip tightens on her the barest amount. He doesn't want to hurt her, and she's so-- fragile he feels like he might.]

I'll speak with him.

[It won't change anything. But he'll do it.]

I think it can be different here. [She truly believes that, it's part of why this matters so much to her right now. She thinks that if Bruce is more aware of himself, or Jason's pain, then maybe they can do things differently.

For a long moment, she doesn't do anything except breathe, and it occurs to her that she doesn't want Bruce to let go just yet. This is the first real hug she's had since waking up in the ocean, and it feels like something missing has finally slotted into place. (She's always been a physical person, it's why she'd hated it so much when even the littlest touches set off her panic)]

I'm sorry for - everything, with the gang war.

[Not just for starting it, not just for Orpheus dying and so many people getting hurt, but...

For herself nearly dying, for staying hidden when she could have come home. She's spent a lot of time thinking about how it must have affected Tim, Cass, her mom, but - she realizes it must have hurt Bruce, too, to lose another Robin, even if she wasn't Robin when it happened]

[And all he can think of is staying by her side as she died. Her death was a cheap token that Leslie used against him, to teach him a lesson.

He's never forgiven her for that. He still goes to her when he needs a bullet pulled out or a wound stitched up, but he's never forgiven her for calling attention to something he already knows more intimately than she could ever hope to understand.

That this is his fault. That he created the Joker, that everyone he's ever killed is on his head. That in a way he created Dent, had a hand with Isley and Crane-- everyone. And that he has to keep fighting now just to hold back the floodgates that he himself opened.

The first time he met Shiva, she was with an old man who told him a parable that related to his life. He thought then that it applied to Talia. Now he knows better.

He releases her after a long moment, and turns back into the kitchen.]

Don't.

[Don't apologize. Don't try to set things right.]

That was my failure.

[He should have trusted her.]

[With Bruce gone, Steph crosses her arms, the closest gesture she can get to wrapping her arms around herself without actually having to. do that. because it'd be like admitting that she misses the hug.

Except then he says that, and all other thoughts fly out of her head.

It's not much of a shock that Bruce takes the blame for everything, he's got a worse guilt complex than a Catholic, but...

Everyone told her it was her fault. Leslie reprimanded her, Tim said a lot of cruel things, even Cass told her she should have been more careful. Steph honestly isn't sure how to process Bruce telling her that she shouldn't apologize for it. That it wasn't her fault.

She opens her mouth, closes it, then brings up her hands to cover her face, pressing her fingers against her closed eyes and brushing away the tears that are threatening to spill. She was prepared for an emotionally intense conversation, but this has been something else entirely.

The thing that finally gets her to speak is the fact that she doesn't want him to have to bear all her guilt.]

I think we both made mistakes.

[Maybe guilt is easier when it's shared.]

Mm.

[It's neither agreement nor disagreement, not directly. Instead, he just picks up his glass and takes a drink and doesn't look at her. It's obvious that she's on the verge of tears and it's the only semblance of privacy he can offer.]

[Get it together, Brown.

It takes her a little while to feel like she can open her eyes and talk to him without breaking down, but she does manage it eventually. And then she steps back up to the kitchen bench, wrapping her hands around the glass without lifting it, or even planning to drink from it.

She feels like she's twisted and pulled, wrung out and left to dry, and she's honestly not sure what she's going to do when she goes back to her suite. Maybe she can find some kedan criminals to beat the crap out of until she feels better. For now, though, she just gives a shaky laugh, the bitterness in it directed mostly at herself.]

I swear I didn't come here meaning to dump all that on you. I really did just want to make sure you were gonna be alright.

[She probably should have known better.]

[And now that that's settled - or as settled as things ever are with Bruce, he leans against the counter near the fridge, one arm across his chest and supporting its opposite at the elbow as he keeps the cup at collarbone height.]

As I was saying, about the gang activity. The Black Kirin have split into three splinter cells, each seems to be under the control of a former lieutenant and has focused on one particular venue, likely whichever one they were in control of before the dissolution of the primary gang. Our goal over the next few weeks is going to involve crippling their industry--

[He pauses. And he just... looks at Stephanie a moment. He purses his lips.]

I'll give you the details tomorrow.

[For all that she's a frayed at the edges, Steph is as attentive as always when Bruce starts talking business, finally actually drinking that protein shake (she even manages not to wrinkle her nose; she's a fan of real food).

But then he stops, and she blinks in surprise at the fact he seems to be willing to give her a break. Or maybe he just doesn't think she can handle it, but that's mostly her pride speaking. Still.]

I'm fine. This is important.

[Never let it be said that she let her emotions get in the way of the job (except for when she does)]

Stephanie.

[The way he says her name is almost a warning.]

Tomorrow.

[Bruce isn't stupid. He knows that for him, throwing himself into his work is the best and often only way to deal with things. But... not everyone is the same. And holding others to his standards is exactly how they get hurt. He's seen it happen too many damn times already.

Stephanie taking one night to herself won't make or break his plans. And he's not doing it for her. Because she's weak.

He's... doing it because he's learning how. And this seems as good a starting point as any.]

[She watches him for a moment, trying to decide whether she wants to argue the point. It's never easy with Bruce, to work out the motivation behind his actions, and she's so used to assuming the worst.

But - after everything else that's happened tonight, she thinks he's probably doing this for the right reasons.

She nods.] Tomorrow.

[She's finished with the protein shake, and she places it back on the kitchen bench, fiddling with the glass a little. It might be pushing it to keep talking about this topic, but there's one mor ething she wants to say] I'm gonna try to talk to him, too. There's... a story I need to tell him.

[about how her father killed someone for hurting her, and how it didn't make her feel any better]

[His eyes narrow.]

Which?

[Though he probably already knows the answer, doesn't he.]

[Her hands tighten aroun the glass, but she makes herself let it go before she ends up with shards in her hands.

Talking about it peripherally is one thing; she's not sure she actually wants to tell Bruce this. It would be different with Jason, he grew up on the streets, he'd understand in a way Bruce probably can't.]

One of my own. About a man named Jim Murray.

[It's a way of testing the waters. She has no idea if Tim might've told Bruce, or if he would have known anyway (How far back into her life did he look when she started as Spoiler? Would the death have raised red flags for him, too? Murray never used drugs until his overdose) but she's not ready to explain straight away.

She realizes her hands are shaking, and clenches them into fists to stop it.]

[He recognizes the name in a vague, peripheral way. The man had been wanted for some petty, small-time crimes, had suffered a drug overdose over eight years ago. He had been friends with--

His jaw tightens briefly. Friends with her father.

There had never been enough to suggest a homicide, though the overdose was unexpected and the man had no history of prescription drug abuse. The way she says his name suggests nothing else. Though murder was rarely a high priority for the Cluemaster, he still racked up a body count over the years, and Bruce has never doubted him capable of it.

How many reasons would there be for father choose to kill a close acquaintance? Especially a father who's as otherwise unconcerned about his daughter's welfare as Arthur always was?

Bruce looks at her, actually just looks. He's done that so rarely, despite the years he's known her. Hard to miss the shaking hands, the way she clenches them to stop it. His tone when he speaks is as gentle as he can make it.]

Do you think it will help?

[He doesn't push her about the subject matter. She'll talk about it if she wants to.]

Edited (attack of the commas!!!) 2012-09-09 03:26 (UTC)

[His response confirms that he knows enough, regardless of how he came by that knowledge, and Steph has no idea how she feels about that. She has an idea of how sick she feels right now; like butterflies in her stomach in the worst possible way. She fights down the urge to tell him to stop looking at her, because it's a reaction born out of shame and she refuses to feel ashamed for something she couldn't control.

There's a long pause before she can speak.]

I don't know. Maybe it'll help, to know there's someone who understands.

[His brow furrows. He looks away.]

Or it could make him angry, to feel as if someone else's father loved them enough to-- seek the sort of justice that Jason wants.

[He doesn't stumble over that word, 'love', even if he knows it doesn't quite apply to Stephanie and Arthur's relationship. But that's always been one of the things that hurt the most, regarding Jason. That the boy saw the Joker's continued existence as a direct correlation to how much Bruce 'didn't' care about him, when in fact nothing could be further from the truth.]

Jason's not stupid enough to think he did it because he loved me.

[There's anger there, and a not-very-subtle dig at Bruce, just in case that's what he'd been thinking.]

Jason doesn't know you.

[He's just gonna point that out.]

What, like you do? [She snaps that at him, and then instantly looks apologetic

It's not his fault, thinking about Murray always makes her temper shorter than usual.]

Sorry. I just - [sometimes she feels like she has more in common with Jason than some of the others do.] I wanna try to make a difference, and I think it might help for him to know that what he wants doesn't always make a difference.

[He doesn't flinch, but for a slight flicker of it about the eyes. It's subtle. Easy to miss.]

I'm not saying I know you. I know Jason. Knowing that you've been through something even tangentially similar, knowing that you were Robin will only make him hate everything you stand for. The Lazarus Pit didn't leave his mind--- well.

[Bruce reaches up, pinches the bridge of his nose to ward off an incoming headache. Years too late, honestly.]

Jason died for a woman that... looks very much like you.

["And what do I stand for?"

It's on the tip of her tongue, and maybe an hour ago she would have said it, an hour ago she wouldn't have been so sure. Sometimes she's wondered if her and Bruce really stand for the same thing, when he does things like rescusitating the Joker, when he yelled at her for nearly killing Zsasz while trying to save him.

Maybe that's why Jason has always - interested her.

But for the first time in her life, right now, she actually feels like Bruce cares about her, and that makes a difference. And then there's that last little fact. It hurts, somehow, even though it doesn't make sense that it does.]

I didn't know. About his mother. [she almost echoes his gesture, rubbing the back of her hand against her forehead] You really don't think it'd make things worse?

She betrayed him to the Joker. He still tried to shield her from the bomb blast that killed him.

[He closes his eyes briefly.]

I found her prior to him. She was still alive.

[And if he hadn't stopped-- if he'd just kept looking for Jason-- God, the boy's body was still warm, the blood still bright. If he'd been just a little faster. A minute? Two? Mere seconds? If he'd had the foresight to start CPR-- the brain isn't dead until it's been four to six minutes without oxygen, if he'd been able to get Jason's heart restarted there might have been a chance--

But no. He panicked. The sight of Jason lying there had broken him more completely than Bane could have hoped to accomplish. All of his training, all of his smarts and his skills had amounted to nothing. Nothing but a man who held his son and said his name over and over like a prayer to some deaf god.

He has so many regrets about that day. But all he had to do was live with them. Compared to Jason, he got off easy.

Not a day has gone by where he doesn't wish it had been him. Sometimes he dreams about that, too -- enduring the same brutal beating that was the precursor to Jason's death. If he could have traded their places he'd have sold his soul to do it, and done so gladly. But the world is never that simple, or kind. The world keeps spinning even when the people you love are dead and buried in the ground. No matter the loneliness or the abandonment or the guilt or the pain or the shame you feel, the world spins on.

Even here.

He pushes those thoughts out of his mind. God knows they've never lead him down any path save misery. Instead, he looks back at Stephanie. One of the things that made her such an effective Robin was her boundless passion. Stephanie... she inhabits the moment she's in so completely. It's been a shortcoming often enough in the time he's known her. It's one of the things that gets her into trouble.

But it's also one of the reasons he's talking to her now.

They all do what they do because they care. Bruce has spent years building himself up into something great and untouchable, but the fact of the matter is he knelt in the wreckage of Gotham after the quake and sobbed. He's strongest when he knows eyes are on him. It's when he's alone that he surrenders to his emotions, and those emotions have always ran hot.

But he puts on the cowl not because he enjoys it (though some part of him does. Some part of him relishes fighting back against the crime that took his parents) but because of the people he can help. The lives he can save. The children who won't have to grow up alone, the husbands that can go home to their wives. He does it because he cares, because he always has and despite his best efforts, always will.

Dick is the same. But unlike Bruce, he wears his compassion on his sleeve. Tim, Stephanie, Jason-- one of Jason's shortcomings wasn't that he didn't care enough, it was that he cared too much. Jason saw himself in the weak and the downtrodden and that made him rattlesnake mean when backed into corners.

But Stephanie... maybe she understands more than he's given her credit for. Than he's ever given her credit for. It's a hard pill to swallow, and bitter besides, but maybe he was wrong about her.

Maybe he wanted to be wrong.]

If you want to speak with him, I won't stop you.

[It's not quite the same thing as answering her. But it's the best he's got.]

[Steph's eyes go a little wide, pure shock from the fact that Bruce is talking about this, not just about Jason, but about his death. Before he came back (before she came back) the only time anyone talked to her about Jason was to use him as a warning.

But she read the file, knows that Jason had found his mother only for her to sell him out to the Joker, and she can't even begin to imagine how that betrayal must have felt. For Jason to try to save her...

It helps her settle on the decision to do everything she can to help him. A boy who tried to save the woman who sent him to his death. He shouldn't have woken up alone, to be found by Talia, to come home to find the man who killed him was still wrecking havoc on the world. Jason deserves better, and Bruce couldn't give it to him, even as he talks about finding Jason's body.]

Bruce... [What does she say to that? "I'm sorry" feels cheap, it always does in the face of this. She gave her daughter away, but she hasn't lost a child, and she hopes she'll never have to understand that pain.

So she doesn't say anything, just leaves it alone, and maybe it's better that way. She can address the other thing he said.]

I'll be careful. Both - in approaching him, and what I say.

[At least she's stopped thinking about Murray.]

Carry your communicator. If he attacks you, you'll lose.

[It's not a slur against her skill by any means. Jason's come dangerously close to beating Bruce. The only children of his that have ever stood a chance against Jason are Cassandra and Dick, and even the latter is contingent upon Dick being able to treat Jason like a true threat.]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:03 (UTC)

[For one of the very few times in her life, she doesn't take that as a slight against her. She knows what Jason is capable of, Barbara had warned her against him as well, when he'd started harrassing Dick and Damian, and she'd had the sense to say it's not because I don't think you're good enough.]

I know. I'll keep it with me.

[She realizes, perhaps belatedly, that she hasn't even told Bruce she's already talked to Jason.

She's not sure if she should. But it might be best for her to tell him now, rather than him finding out from Jason at some later point.] He knows I'm here. [the worry in her voice - how mad will Bruce be? - is completely obvious.]

Edited 2012-09-09 09:17 (UTC)

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