tushanshu_logs

Every day, [he says wryly, implying that the way he seems calm and unflappable is a product of how effective he is at keeping it tamped down, not that his anger is inconsiderable.

He's familiar with that guilt, and accepts this statement absolutely without reaction. Bruce just sits with his legs folded and puts his hands back on his knees, watching her sit and supremely unhurried about it.] You have some kind of fire ability? [he asks, getting a sense of what it is she's trying to suppress before giving any pointers.

Then he realizes he's supposed to give his name back-- a habit he still hasn't fully gotten into-- and adds,] Bruce Banner.

[His answer catches her by surprise. Daily meditation was something she had known to be only for monks, with few exceptions. Obviously he had to be one of those few.]

Oh, you’re Bruce! [Another surprise for her.] I volunteered at your hydroponics garden when Tu Vishan was still sick. [She had always pictured him much like she had initially pictured Tony Stark. Rich, stuffy, and well dressed with a bit a snappishness to them. And now here she was in front of him, forced to eat her mental thoughts.]

Um, yeah. And Earth.

And Water.

And Air.

Sort of.

[She felt a little squeamish having to list those off for him.]

When I get angry I usually use fire. It was the first time I’ve ever gotten that way at something instead of someone.

[Absent mindedly, Korra put her fists together in the fashion that airbenders do.]

[He really should be used to being recognized by now, but he's not, and is momentarily taken aback and then slightly sheepish. In Korra's defense, Bruce survived by defying expectations and passing under the radar.]

We got a lot of help for that, [he acknowledges, focusing on her explanation of her powers. His eyebrows start to go up and he gives her a more considering look as the list goes on.]

That's a lot to manage. I guess fire is the most reactive. And I... can understand someone setting you off. [Can he ever.] Have you made any progress learning how to control it in the past?

Progress? Sort of… My airbending master, Tenzin, tried teaching me meditation back home and it really didn’t stick. At all. The only time I managed it was when I was kidnapped and trapped in a metal box.

Fun times. [Said flatly.]

I wound up here before I could ask Tenzin to try teaching it to me again. I’m usually able to keep it under control, but there’s just some things-

Some people that really break through and- [Korra sighed and hung her head.] it’s just a mess.

[Bruce takes this in and considers it, still uncertain if he wants to get himself into the mess that is helping a superpowered teenage girl learn to control her temper.]

It's not easy. The most effective way is to... expose yourself to what makes you angry, in a controlled environment. Learn how to handle it. And it takes a lot of dedication.

[Bluntly and without a trace of pity (or self-pity), Bruce says,] Meditation helps, but if you can't apply what you learn while you're meditating during regular life, you won't get anywhere.

[Korra raised her head and listened, her fists still in front of her.]

Well applying what I learned when I did meditate saved my life and got me in touch with the spiritual side of things. Does that count?

[Hearing the instruction and thinking on it, Korra really didn’t see how it could work.]

Having the person that makes me angry in a controlled environment with me; that’d solve everything. I want him under control, the fact that he’s not is what makes me angry.

[Which begged the question that Korra asked tentatively, pausing briefly mid-sentence.]

What is it that…makes you upset?

That counts, [he acknowledges wryly.]

He might be making you angry right now, but you said that isn't the first time this has happened. [Bruce shakes his head.] He's not the reason you lose control. He-- provokes it, but in order to prevent an... outburst, you have to focus on yourself. You can't control what he does. What anyone does. You can only control how you respond.

[It's a very Eastern philosophy that he'd picked up from several of those various teachers he'd mentioned before. At that question, though, he gives her a more scrutinizing look.

Quietly, he answers,] Unfairness. [It's an immense topic boiled down to one word, but Bruce isn't about to go farther into it then that. It'd be a complete diversion, and even if it wasn't, entirely too revealing for him.]

Provoking people is what he’s good at. So that would mean just me in a controlled environment then. [That would explain why she was able to focus and meditate back then. No one was around and she had expended her energy trying to get out. There was nothing left to do but be calm and wait.

Unfairness. That grabs her attention, as well as the way Bruce said it. She was sure he meant more than something like Tahno’s team buying off the official to win the pro-bending cup finals. All she did was nod silently. Korra was aware of how anger could be deeply rooted in someone, no matter what the subject was. She didn’t press upon it at all.]

Just let your mind and spirit be free, right?

[Looking back at her mockery of Tenzin over the subject made her feel guilty now.]

That's how you start, [he agrees.] Once you can do it there, you can use it in regular situations. It's slow. [Bruce had worked on it literally for years, his ability to simply not react when attacked or provoked, and he'd already had a level, reserved disposition before then.

He appreciates her not pressing. And her response gets a slight huff of laughter from him, one hand leaving a knee to come up and rub across his face, wry.] That's what they say, but it never really works for me. [His hand lowers.] You probably... don't have a lot of luck trying to clear your mind, right? Like it's all-- too much and won't go away?

[Anger has a way of consuming everything else in your head, and trying to get rid of it is like trying to kill a hydra. Cut off one head and three more appear.]

I had to learn another method.

[That small laugh let her know that he was speaking from experience and not just pandering to her. It’s how she had reacted when Tenzin gave her those instructions. Everything he said, his personal experience, felt like familiar.]

That’s; exactly what it is. Like putting out a fire and gasoline is all that there is to help. [The amount of times others had asked her to calm down or stop, only to have her just become even more outraged was too numerous to count. Letting it all out wasn’t the answer when there was endless supply.]

I didn’t know there was another way. [Airbenders were the primary source of meditation knowledge in her world at her time. Mainly because there were so few of them left.]

[He shifts a shoulder in a suggestion of a shrug.] There's a lot of ways. Most people don't turn to meditation for anger management on this scale, [he quips, more comfortable turning a topic this serious for him into a slight joke.]

The first thing is that you have to stop trying to get rid of it. The anger, the, resentment. All of it. It's not-- going anywhere. [That had been an exceedingly hard lesson for Bruce to learn, the product of years of gradual, begrudging acceptance coming in increments. But maybe it'd be easier for her.]

But you can choose when you let it out. How much it affects you. If you let it out a little on purpose, then it won't be such a... flood.

[Eyebrows raised at the mention of anger being a permanent aspect. Everyone else seemed to treat it like it was something that Korra needed to eliminate, and now hearing from someone with experience in that field, not an outsider looking in, it made perfect sense.]

You use it, a little at a time… [Bursts of fire in the pro-bending arena came to her mind as a mental image. No more than one second was the rule, so channeling everything into that small amount of time was the name of the game.]

That’s going to be a lot harder than it sounds. Deciding how it affects you I mean.

[Flood was an ideal term. To Korra it was like asking to open the gates to the dam to fill a shot glass. Her eyes looked down to her fists, facing each other at the knuckle.]

How does it work for- us [it was the first time she used something other than “me” when addressing issues regarding anger.] if regular meditation isn’t the answer. Where do you start instead of letting your mind and spirit be free?

[There was too much restlessness going on inside to let that be an option.]

I don’t know a place where I’m away from any element I can’t use. [Accidentally wrecking anything was something she wanted to avoid after the uproar over the clinic.]

[He'd never said it was easy, and he knows better than anyone just how hard it is. It seems simple to say that you should control how your anger affects you, but in the heat of the moment, it was burning and unstoppable, like a force of nature tearing through him. Until the Hulk had happened, Bruce had thought that he'd had a handle on it. That he'd figured out how to suppress his anger so that he wouldn't hurt anyone, and the truth was that he hadn't had an outburst for years throughout college.

Until the Hulk. Which raised the question of what had happened to all that anger he'd been not letting out.]

Meditation helps, [he cautions.] That's why I do it every day. But it's not to... let it flow out. [The standard meditation instructions.] It's to let myself feel it.

You can't practice control by removing what you're trying to control. [Bruce shakes his head.] You'll never be away from the elements. You should try-- using them. Out somewhere there isn't anyone around. Try to tap into it on purpose, fueled by... what you're trying to protect others from.

[He assumes that's far less irreversible for her than for him. When Bruce taps into it, he lets out the Hulk for however long Hulk decides he's going to be out, and he can't affect what happens afterward. Korra, presumably, can do a little better than that. He may be slightly jealous.]

I know a good place in the Water Sector for that.

[All the elements were easily accessible there, and it was far enough away from anyone that no harm would be done. Thinking of purposely tapping into her anger, using it for an actual means rather than just letting it flow outwards, gave Korra pause to think of how well she could handle it. It was little wonder now why the style of meditation she was introduced to didn’t sit well with her.]

You know, I think Master Tenzin would have a heart attack if he ever heard any of this. [Her tone was wry, a personal joke she couldn’t keep to herself now that Bruce knew what she was taught previously. Looking at his hands and the mudrā they had assumed and the way his arms were on his legs, Korra wondered if that mattered as she looked down at her fists.]

Um. You may not want to tell anyone you’re teaching me this. [Judging from how private a person he seemed to be, Korra remembered that Jack had mentioned that Bruce was giving him pointers on meditation when she offered to visit him right before the clinic incident. The last thing she wanted for the man who was frankly giving her the most sound advice she had ever received, advice from experience that spoke to her inwardly, was any of the flack she was receiving over the ordeal.]

It's definitely non-standard, [he says dryly.] But most people don't have to deal with... so much, when they meditate. And I don't know if they really-- get it. What it's like to push it all back.

[It was like telling someone to stand on the shore and watch an oncoming tidal wave come in, and telling them to hold it back with only their hands. Bruce knew you needed more than that. You needed defenses, constant walls rebuilt every day as they're eroded by the water, and you need to let some of the water through, redirect it, instead of trying to fight it all.

He's not surprised the standard meditation tactics hadn't worked for her, if she has at all a similar problem to his. Though presumably not nearly as drastic as the Hulk. But his teachers probably wouldn't have advised it, either-- it was experience that had taught him this method. Hard experience over the course of years.

Then his gaze sharpens at her suggestion, because he hasn't seen that on the network yet and he doesn't like what it implies. That there might be backlash for her trying to learn control however she might manage it. Bruce is understandably somewhat defensive of anyone coming down on that, given his personal identification with it.]

Why? If it works, then no one has a leg to stand on over how controversial it is.

[Pushing it all back was impossible and Korra knew, the way he said it and the way he looked, that Bruce wasn’t exaggerating in the slightest. “All” was such a small term that carried a lot of weight when it came to describing anger bubbling in the pit of your stomach and just having it take control your senses and body. It such a natural thing to her, and apparently even more so to him. But as she was really finding out in Tu Vishan, it was an uncommon and dangerous problem.

Something never brought to light on her world considering many firebenders had that issue.]

Because. [She furrowed her brow, trying to think of how to word it without sounding like it was an insult, or doubt in his teaching methods.] If you do and then later on something happens, another incident, then those you told will be treating you just like they’re treating me.

[A beat.]

And that’s not fair. [It was hard to not sound sad and apologetic at that possibility. Not while he was giving her pointers, selflessly as far she could tell.]

[Bruce has nothing if not a thick skin, and any doubt in his methods is deservedly justified. They aren't an absolute solution for him either, and he's well aware. They're an improvement, but they aren't a solution, and he can't promise that they'll even work for her the way they've worked for him. He's just offering them out of a desire not to see anyone else hurt by a problem he's so familiar with if he can help it.

But he hadn't realized how much flak she was getting over it, and he can't deny a tendril of anger growing slightly stronger at the idea. It's true that she has responsibility for her actions, and she should feel guilty-- he always does-- but someone trying to attack her over a lack of control hits a personal button for him.]

I'm used to it, [he says bluntly.] Maybe it's not fair. Maybe it is. The things we do like that are our fault and neither of us can dodge responsibility.

[His expression tightens slightly, but there's no other sign of his discontent.] But that doesn't mean you deserve to be attacked over it. By anyone.

[As far as he's concerned, if anyone has a problem they want to take up with him over it, they should be prepared for him to be supremely unimpressed.]

[That boost, that understanding was the one thing Korra craved. Not warnings, not advice, not demands, and not a scolding. Just understanding; assurance that she wasn’t alone in what she was going through. Even though she and Lin didn’t necessarily agree that she would be apologizing for her actions, Korra knew that was something she had to do eventually. It was something she was a little wary of, suffocating wasn’t a fun experience and she did not want to face that possibility again. When she found a good way to go about it and everyone’s tempers had cooled, then she would. Not as much fire to stoke.]

I’m actually kind of used to it too. [Having weathered ‘talking to’s and ‘pulled asides’ that usually ended in shouting matches and displays of anger, not unlike the blast she let out in the clinic, Korra was very knowledgeable in how to roll your eyes at someone when they try to fix a problem by doing the same thing over and over again. Lecture after lecture.]

This is just the first time I’ve gotten this much backlash over it. But then again, that’s the first time it happened since I arrived.

[Being who she was, Korra’s usual temper flares were sideswiped by connections through the White Lotus and her title of Avatar. After all, what is one more angry teen in their world?]

But thank you. [And she meant it, her tone lowered and more heartfelt.] You’re the first person who’s tried something different. Something that makes sense to me.

[Although Bruce felt deeply guilty over his own casualties, his were also much more severe than hers. Lives lost over the course of years, whole city blocks destroyed and lives ruined outside of his control. It was impossible to understate how guilty Bruce felt for that. But he never apologized much, either-- it didn't do any good. There was no way for him to make up for the loss he'd caused, and he tried to funnel his regret into doing better, working harder and more ruthlessly to keep himself under control in the future.

It didn't always work. Not by far. But it was a better apology than words.

He's almost a little embarrassed that his hard won experience has helped her, to get such sincere gratitude. He ducks his head slightly, a lop-sided smile just edging onto his expression.] Don't thank me yet. We haven't really done anything.

[Until now, he's been unsure whether he wants to help her more than some piecemeal words of advice. And truthfully he's still not totally sure he wants to commit. But hearing how much it means to her to at least have someone understand makes him want to try, almost as another form of apology to his victims.]

You have to keep trying, [he says honestly.] And you can't listen to anyone else. Not even me. I'll give suggestions, but you have to do what works.

I know it's hard, and it doesn't really... stop. [There isn't a day off, there isn't a break, and the consequences of slipping are astronomical.] But you don't want to hurt anyone, and that's-- pretty powerful motivation.

We’ve done more here than in the past thirteen years of my life. [Half-jokingly, though it was entirely true.]

I’ve manage to find what works for me in other things, so I should be able to find what I need here, but suggestions are a great starting point. [The not listening to anyone else, that part Korra knew she could do without even trying really.]

Well, I was born to help and protect help people, so I’d rather not be what they would need protecting from, you know.

[There was a break in her rhythm of speech where Korra wondered if she should ask the question that on the tip of her tongue. She knew it was something personal and didn’t want to-]

Is that what motivated you?

[and it slipped out of her while she was internally debating. She quickly tried to recover.]

You don’t have to answer that. At all. Sorry.

[He's glad he's helping already, even if it does make him question why anyone else would be so stubborn as to keep pushing her toward things that weren't working. The results were everything when the consequences were what they were here, and ironically that's the other topic of conversation they're discussing.

Bruce shifts his weight at her question, but shakes his head at her backtracking.] You can ask. I don't answer anything I don't want to. [He says it simply and impersonally, but it's absolutely true. Bruce never lets himself be boxed into opening up more than he deliberately intends to, and one teenage girl asking a question on a very pertinent subject isn't going to bother him.

It is something that affects him deeply. His guilt is a clutching, clawing ghost inside of him, one he can never escape from. But he also believes in taking responsibility for what he's done and owning up to it, moreso than he thinks he should indulge his own desire to ignore his actions. He can't ignore them.]

But yes, it was. I've always wanted to... [A short exhale, centering himself to say it.] To protect. To not be-- the monster that's doing the hurting. I haven't succeeded at that entirely. [There's a dark note suddenly, just a brief hint at the depth of self-loathing he feels, before it's gone and swept away again.]

But I can't stop trying. When I feel like I'm going to lose it, I try to-- remember, what the consequences are. It makes it a lot easier to rein it in.

[The image of Betty covered in bruising and bandages, weakly opening her eyes in a hospital bed, never failed to stop him in his tracks.]

[All of his abrupt, blunt honesty something Kora finds very refreshing. It’s uncommon, and yet it’s something she always looks for only to usually end up disappointed. Korra’s brow furrowed, for a fleeting moment she caught, or rather felt, a different part of Bruce. Completely different from the casual and aloof demeanor she had seen of him since she set foot on the roof. While monster wasn’t how she would describe him in the slightest, Korra had seen people who had another side to them than what was shown. When she had, painfully, discovered Tarrlok was a skilled bloodbender was one such occasion. However, he had never been earnest and honest until recently. Unlike Bruce, who genuinely came across as a positive influence.]

I think you can protect people if you really want to. If there’s nothing else to it, nothing you want to gain from it, then you have all the motivation you need to start. [As fiery-tempered and impatient as Korra was, she did want to help and assist others. Unknown to her, that penchant is embedded into the spirit of the world that resides within the Avatar and it presses itself upon the reincarnated benders.]

I don’t know how good of a job I can do right now with all that’s going on, but I’m willing to teach as best I can. [She grinned simply.] Favor for favor.

[Balance.]

[In general, Bruce doesn't see any reason not to be blunt. He doesn't believe in softening the truth once he's accepted it, however long that painful process might take him. But life isn't fair, the world isn't fair, and there's no sense pretending otherwise. Any privacy he might wish he had was more or less impossible, because those around him were owed a certain guarantee of safety from him. Bruce was a constant, walking threat, and if they wanted to know the extent of the danger they were in, he couldn't find it in himself to keep it from them-- not here where they could know.

Korra's blind optimism in being able to protect others, when he'd failed countless times to do that, seems naive to him. But he likes the alternative even less, thinks someone her age probably should feel that way. Maybe she can protect others better than he can, and it's not as hopeless an endeavor for her. Bruce doesn't intend to ever stop trying, as he'd said, but he has to admit he's jaded to it by now.

He smiles just slightly, a wisp of an expression.] What do you think you'd be teaching me? Fighting?

[He's not saying no or yes yet, just asking. Because if there's anyone that has simplistic motivations for protecting others, it's him. Bruce has never needed more than the knowledge that someone would be hurt if he didn't to motivate him to do it.]

[That hint of a smile, that twitch on his lips was a sign to Korra that maybe, just maybe she ws helping him in some way. She wasn’t sure exactly which way, especially with knowing nothing of his life experiences or even much beyond his name, the fact that he’s a scientist, and that he was teaching meditation to not only her. Something she remembered Jack telling her before she left to the clinic that day. That is what that nigh invisible smile brought to her mind.]

Fighting is part of it. Martial arts mixes into the other part; the spiritual part of what I know. [Even though she never trained anyone other than Bean, who was definitely gifted, Korra wasn’t about to let that rain down on her confidence.]

I’m getting the hang of the second part since I’ve got the fighting down pretty well. [Said with both enthusiasm and slight guilt. Too well maybe.] The hardest part to teach would be in doing everything you can to help people. Even trying to do things you know you can’t, or shouldn’t.

[Placing her knuckles together gently, Korra gives a slow nod.] But I think you know some of that already, huh?

[Unused to anyone really even noticing him in the first place, having his efforts acknowledged catches him even more off guard. Bruce tends to-- mistakenly, here, he realizes-- think of himself as under the radar, unremarkable and insignificant to most people's lives. It's the way it should be. He slides through them and they never notice how much effort he puts into protecting them every single day, and it's only in the places where he makes it more overt, where he provides emergency medical treatment or builds a well for a clean water supply or some other act of louder kindness, that he gets thanks.

But Korra doesn't know any of that. Self-conscious, his straight-backed posture drops slightly as his shoulders hunch forward, and he can't do anything but smile an inch wider, awkward and trying to play it off.] Yeah. I already-- yeah. Anything I can manage. [He drops his posture even more to look away, break eye contact, and run a hand up over the back of his neck. With a twist of dry humor, he adds,] Tends to get me into trouble.

[Glancing back.] I'm not much into the spiritual, but I have been needing someone to practice forms with. Uh, tai chi forms. I also know aikido and Capoeira, not great but enough to get by. If that's what you mean by martial arts.

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