tushanshu_logs | EVENT | LANDFALL

[The borrowed memories should be beginning to fade now, paling like a dream upon waking - or perhaps, more accurately, a nightmare. The human psyche isn't equipped to retain non-native memories for long. It's too alien, to slip into another's skin, however briefly.

Gene, too, has curled up on the ground, shaking. One of the twisted benefits of surviving all that trauma is that one develops the ability to con oneself into thinking it's normal, to become numb to the daily injustices. Living them again, all at once, as prepared for someone else, is liable to shatter that wall of spiteful strength, the part that says despite it all, 'fuck you, I'm still standing'.

He's not sure he'll ever be able to stand again.

The enormity of what he's done crashes into him like a wave, swamping him in pain and regret.] I did it again, [he says, half to himself.] I said I didn't want to hurt you anymore, and what's the first thing I do?

[He tries to laugh, because it's funny, in an awful way, even if only to him. It comes out as a choking sob instead. It's a more accurate reflection of his emotions. And he's ashamed. Ashamed of his actions, ashamed of the hurt he's caused, ashamed of the tears streaming down his face with no conscious effort or sign of stopping. He looks like a broken toy someone's thrown away - because isn't that what he is? A puppet dancing to someone else's tune, discarded when they have no more use for him? Without direction, he descends into destructive cycles because he's never known any other way to act, until he's finally run himself out of energy, out of motivation, and out of options. ]

Edited 2014-08-20 15:24 (UTC)

[It takes Tony a couple seconds to gather his thoroughly scattered wits. He sits up slowly and stares at the other boy still lying on the ground, trying to reconcile everything he's just seen with his already intense emotions about Gene.

He's still angry. But what is that anger going to get him, at this point? It won't get him back home. It won't change what's already happened. And it won't get Gene's memories out of his head.

Gene looks like he's on the verge of a complete breakdown, and Tony is now - however unwillingly - fully aware of just how fragile his mental state is. If Tony lashes out again, he knows it will push Gene over the edge. And he doesn't want to do that. He really doesn't want to do that.

He doesn't want to hurt Gene, anymore, either.]

God, [he says, with a small, slightly hysterical laugh.] We are really bad at this, aren't we?

The worst, [Gene agrees, his voice small. He's not even looking in Tony's direction, perhaps unwisely putting his back to his friend/enemy (frienemy? What are they to each other now, anyway? As always, they will be the last to know). It's just as well he's not facing Tony. When he's in this state, impassive suits of armor worn by people who are angry at him will lead to nowhere good.

He doesn't want Tony to see his tears. But he's pretty damn sure that his state of emotional dysfunction is now clearer than it ever was. So he stays curled up, facing away, as he tries to get himself under control. At least these tears have been restrained and as dignified as complete-breakdown tears can be; there's no hiccuping or prolonged sniffling. But then, he'd had to get good at doing this quietly, hadn't he? Almost as good as he is at bottling them up inside.]

I'm the worst, [he mutters to the ground.]

[Tony's about to go over to Gene when a sudden aftershock of dread from Gene's memories freezes him in his tracks. //a cold armored hand wraps around his throat, tighter and tighter-- then Zhang releases him, flinging him across the room with inhuman strength--//

Okay. Armor: bad idea. No armor. He stands and shucks the suit, then walks to Gene and kneels beside him. (He worries briefly about the ring, but unless he has catastrophically misread the situation, Gene is in no shape to be trying anything underhanded.)] Maybe. [Hey, he's not gonna deny it. ~~You are totally the worst, Gene.~~] But you can be better. We... we can start over. Like you said. [Gingerly, he puts his hand on Gene's shoulder.]

[Out of all the things in Tony's life he has catastrophically misread? This isn't one of them. Gene's barely keeping his wits about him enough to talk - expecting him to use the rings now is like expecting Malicant to descend from the palace in front of them and launch into an award-winning tap-dance routine: both utterly absurd, and not gonna happen.

When Tony touches his shoulder, he flinches away violently, half-expecting an oncoming blow. But the hand is warm and human, not a creature of star-forged metal. And the worst thing about it, the goddamned worst thing, is that this is something he'd decided never to ask for, never to presume again, because he doesn't deserve it and he never had. Affection, friendship, human contact - those are all for other people. Not for him. Never for him, never again.]

Please, [he says, not entirely sure what he's pleading for. Please go away? Please don't leave? Please don't hurt me? Please don't look at me? Everything about this is painful, and he's not sure what's going to hurt more - if Tony leaves, or if he stays. Every direction is liberally sprinkled with broken glass, and he's at the bottom of a low sloping pit.

The hell of it is that the broken glass is coating the bottom of the pit, too, and whether he moves or doesn't, he's going to bleed. Is Tony here to help him climb out, or to stomp on his fingers when he tries?]

[Gene cringes away from his hand, and Tony hastily pulls back. "Please," Gene says in a pitiful voice. He doesn't elaborate, so Tony doesn't know what he wants, but he tries again, lightly and awkwardly patting Gene on the back.]

It'll be okay, [Tony says, though it may not be true. But he hopes it will be. Gene may be a pain in the ass ~~understatement of the century~~ but he's the only familiar thing in this universe. He's all Tony has left of home.] It looks like we're stuck with each other anyway, so we'd better make the best of it, right? We're all we've got. I mean, who knows how this war will play out, or when and how we'll get home. If we get home.

[He pauses, and a small smile appears on his face.] Us high-profile rich kids have to stick together.

[The gentle back pats bring Gene both relief and shame; what right does he have to this, to this mildly awkward display of affection? It's a relief because he's been starved for it for years upon years, but needing help and being given it, with someone - with Stark - trying to comfort him while he cries is so beyond shameful he can't even begin to process it. It hurts. It hurts too much.

This is the most true friendship - not Loki's pranking, not Bianca's mothering or Amelia's discipline - that he's felt in two years. And it's offered by the person he's hurt the most. We're all we've got. 'We'. He's not used to being part of a 'we'. Not really.

Can it be? Can he really start over?

Tony's joke - and the reminder of how they became friends so long ago - startles a laugh out of him.] Yeah, [he says slowly.] I guess we do. Better the devil you know, right?

Edited 2014-08-22 00:29 (UTC)

Sure. Something like that. [Or, better the devil who is genuinely trying really really hard to be less of a devil. Kind of... sucking at it. But still, trying. And, if Arthur Parks managed it, maybe Gene can too.

Sometimes - not very often, but sometimes - bad people can get better. Not every villain is a lost cause.

~~Unless their name is Donnie Gill. Seriously, fuck that guy.~~]

[~~UGH DONNIE. UGH. GENE IS NOT THE WORST. AS LONG AS DONNIE GILL IS AROUND GENE IS NOT QUITE THE SHITTIEST PERSON.~~

Gene has never met Arthur Parks, but the two of them really aren't that different. Between the mommy issues and being the absolute worst at villaining to the point of needing remedial classes in How To Supervillain, they have more in common than a glance would suggest. And the occasional bout of suicidal self-sacrifice ~~in order to save Tony~~.

Tony's hand is still on his back. He's not sure how he feels about that, after everything. But he thinks that maybe he doesn't mind.]

Do you really think I can be...better? [he asks. He's spent so long tearing himself down, thinking of himself in the worst terms, as something great and terrible and powerful and unworthy, and returning home had only made things worse. If there's a version of himself in the future who isn't an angry knot of trauma and pain, he'd be surprised.]

[Tony hesitates.] I think... you want to be better. [He sighs, sounding a little frustrated again.] I know you're not all bad, Gene. I know there's good in you. I've seen it.

[Despite the memorydump, he's still having a hard time understanding why Gene keeps being so... Gene. He wants to be good, Tony knows he has the potential to be good, and he even seems to recognize now when he's doing something wrong... so why does he keep ~~being an enormous shitlord~~ screwing it up? It's like every time he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he turns around and runs screaming in the other direction.

Tony wishes he knew what to tell Gene; something to give him purpose, or direction. But "stop doing that thing where you're evil" is pretty lame constructive criticism. He just doesn't know how to teach someone who wants to do the right thing but keeps doing the wrong thing how to... not keep doing the wrong thing.

Sadly, the distance between their experiences is still too vast. He's seen the worst moments of Gene's past, and felt the guilt and the shame and the toxic power of Gene's conviction that he was on his own and no one would ever stand by his side. But Tony, who's always had a loving and supportive father and best friend, who has been indulged and encouraged all his life -- he still doesn't fully grasp just how thoroughly Gene has locked himself into his destructive cycles.]

[The light at the end of the tunnel is scary and he's not here for it, is the short version. The long version is that most of the time he's not even consciously aware that there is a light, or a tunnel. Mostly it's just a void; zero gravity where forward motion is difficult at best and propels you backwards at worst.

Perhaps a good place to start would be just what the hell the 'right thing' looks like.]

...I hope you're right. [This is going to be like not only learning a new language, but learning a whole new way to be - which is something most people usually don't have to deal with past the age of four or so.]

Well, you're kind of a jerk, but if you were totally evil, you probably wouldn't be beating yourself up about being such a jerk. [Tony says wryly.] Now, don't quote me on this, but I think that's what they call a "conscience," [he jokes.

Look at that! A teeny tiny baby step in the right direction, Gene. Now you just have to, you know, unlearn literally every behavioral pattern you've developed over your entire life. No biggie.]

[~~Gene's an A-hole, but he's not 100% a dick, is that what you're saying, Tony?~~

If Gene had had a childhood even approaching the same universe as normal, he would probably be making a sarcastic crack about Jiminy Cricket right about now. Alas, Pinocchio was not part of the VHS rotation in the Mandarin's house. ~~He's pretty well acquainted with Bob Ross, though. Happy little trees.~~ It's okay, Gene. Someday you'll be a real boy.

Instead:] No, I'm...pretty sure I don't have one of those. [Or if he ever did, he's been taught to squash it, keep it silenced in the face of his quest for power. He'd have said, a few weeks ago, that he'd only been doing the right thing, but now he's pretty sure that no, he hadn't. His ideas of the 'right thing' are completely skewed and confused; he doesn't know if he's even capable of doing the 'right thing', let alone recognizing it.

But he had pushed Pepper out of the way of the dragon. He had sacrificed himself then. He had saved his friends from the Firebrand in the fourth temple (and, unbeknownst to him, the entire Earth as well). He had fought the Overlord with nothing but his wits and a Makluan sword, and he'd been trying to fix his mistakes.

Is that - is all that - the 'right thing'?]

I did do some things right, [he admits at length. Even if he'd done some of them for the wrong reasons. A for effort, F- for execution?] So maybe I'm not entirely a failure?

[It's a question, Tony. He's asking for validation and for the love of God you'd better say 'yes'.]

Edited 2014-08-22 12:03 (UTC)

Yeah. Yeah you did. You got a couple things right. [Tony smiles sadly.] It's a start.

[He's quiet for a little bit, remembering what things were like before Machu Picchu.] The four of us, you and me and Rhodey and Pepper... we did some pretty great stuff. When you took a break from your evil plans to actually help us out, we were good together, you know? You just... you have to stop pushing people away. Now you've got Amelia and Skul here watching your back, and me -- but you have to trust us.

[Gene finally sits up, scrubbing at his face with his unbloodied hand.]

Well. My evil plans are, in case you missed it, on indefinite hiatus, [he says, trying to make a joke of it.] I'm going to try to trust people. It's...not something that comes easily to me, you know?

Glad to hear it. [As Gene sits up, Tony keeps his hand resting lightly on his shoulder.] And yeah, I kind of noticed. About the trust thing. [~~The nuclear orbital strike you used to incinerate all your bridges may have tipped him off, Gene.~~

Tony thinks about the ring -- the last ring, the key to the power Gene has been seeking his whole life -- that is now resting ~~relatively~~ safely in the shielded compartment in his armor.] But you're already better at it than you used to be, I think.

[Tony is still touching him. Normally he would be angrily shrugging the hand off - leave me alone, I don't need your help - but after all that, a little acknowledgment that he's here, alive, and real is very welcome.

The ring still itches at him - not the way it had earlier, but in the way that he knows it's nearby and years and years of programming and talk of destiny make him want it almost beyond bearing.

He exhales, trying to breathe out the need for it and forget it's there.] Yeah. Guess so.

Starting over, right? [He's still not sure how much he believes it. But he really, really wants it to be the case.]

Right. A new start. [And what better place for a new start than a completely new dimension? Talk about wiping the slate clean.

Tony doesn't move his hand, but he looks away and quietly says,] I... I can't forgive you. Not yet. But... I can give you another chance. [A chance to prove that you deserve forgiveness.]

Edited 2014-08-25 05:21 (UTC)

[Gene looks down.] I told you, I don't want forgiveness. Or at least, I don't deserve it. [He wants it. He wants it so bad. But he's come to terms with the fact that he's not getting it. He'd come to terms with that a while ago.] Another chance is...more than I deserve, really.

[There's a lot of things he wants to say and do right now - mostly, finding out exactly what 'a new start' entails - but he knows that won't be well received, and he's pretty sure that if he forces himself to experience any more emotions tonight he will literally crumble into dust. So he sits, his eyes turned to the ground, trying to remember what the hell doing good is supposed to look like.]

[That hurts, and Tony's not sure why. Gene is right: he doesn't deserve a second chance, and he definitely doesn't deserve forgiveness. For crying out loud, Tony ought to feel like a saint for being as lenient as he is. Tony has no reason to forgive Gene. So why does he feel so bad that he can't?

It's a confusing and frustrating emotion. Dammit, why do I still like you? Tony thinks. But he can't muster the anger he'd been feeling a few minutes ago. It's hard to stay mad while Gene is sitting here on the ground, tears drying on his face and looking like he wants to die.]

Well, let's give it a try anyway. [Tony says finally. Maybe, this time, they can actually make it work.]

[To be fair: most emotions involving Gene are confusing and frustrating. You get used to that.

Or maybe you don't. Either way, you will be stuck with it.] Worth a shot. [He says it, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, but it's…not working. His voice is still shaking a little. And Tony's hand is still on his shoulder.]

[There's one more thing Tony needs to say, before the moment passes or he starts to feel too sorry for Gene to do it.]

Just... don't do that again. Go into my head like that. [He can't quite suppress a shudder.] Don't-- don't ever do that again.

[Gene looks startled for a moment, then grimaces. Oops. He'd fucked up again. He really needs like...a shock collar or something. Some sort of instant negative reinforcement when he abuses his power. Until then, he's just going to have to deal with people being very disappointed and making that face at him. (He doesn't like the face.)]

Yeah. No. I won't. Sorry.

[He takes off the crimson ring and threads it onto the string he wears about his neck before weighing it in his hand for a moment. It feels...off, to wear the rings that come after without this one. Like his hands are unbalanced.

Interesting.

He pulls the necklace over his head and tucks it back into his shirt with one fluid motion.]

[Tony is surprised when Gene takes the crimson ring off and slips it onto his necklace. It's not the same as giving it up, like he did with the tenth ring, but it's still a nice symbolic gesture.] Thanks, [Tony says quietly, and he really means it.]

[In the silence that follows, Tony notices a scattering of bird calls -- it's still dark, but if the birds (bird analogues?) on this planet are anything like the birds on earth, that means dawn isn't too far away.] We should probably get going, [he says.] It's super late.

[Hell no he ain't giving up the crimson ring! It's mad useful. Never gonna have to google shit again. Damn.

How is Gene supposed to respond to Tony thanking him? 'You're welcome' doesn't seem right. It's not like he was doing Tony a favor or anything ~~baka~~. So instead he shrugs and says,] Least I could do.

[Shit, is it really that late/early? Gene seems to remember the time.] Uh. Yeah.

[The turtle's a fair way away. He looks at Tony.] Want a lift?

I was going to make a joke until I realized that he doesn't know HOW TO DO THAT

no subject

you cannot hope to defeat these nerds at fucking up. they are simply the best there is

the fucked-upest fuck-ups that have ever fucked up

the saddest part about this is that the flashback there is explicitly canon

awesomeface.jpg (also i keep doing the thing im sorry it just amuses me so much)

jesus christ. jesus, mary, joseph, all the apostles and god himself. never apologize

/high-pitched screaming/ HIGH-PROFILE RICH KIDS

help im have emotion

I have so many insightful things to say here that I can't say b/c it's not IC b/c Tony's dumb

your keyword on that icon. I CANNOT DEAL

yes that's my favorite one

that's one small step for a nerd, one giant leap for nerdkind

Gene: /QWOPs to the good side

accurate. character development, everybody!

I want to inform everyone that I went and played QWOP after writing that and got 48.6m

we are all very proud

I was doing great but I tripped over the 50m hurdle (also: find the easter egg link)

can't hover on my phone so I had to stab randomly at the text with my thumb. you monster.

sorry I hate how links look in the text

gonna keep using this icon bc it's super pathetic. also, /YELLS AT THEM TO MAKE OUT

JUST GET OVER IT AND KISS, YOU DUMB NERDS

never. they have to have at least 20 episodes' worth of MANFEELINGS first

they are an endless font of manpain. or teenageboypain. almostmanpain.

dorkpain?