tushanshu_logs | EVENT | LANDFALL

[Gene smiles. It's less a smile than a wounded animal baring its teeth, but the rictus could potentially pass for a smile. In the dark. To someone blind.]

That's a start, [he says, getting to his feet. But yeah, Tony...never gonna happen. You wouldn't give up your armor, would you? Nah. Didn't think so.] I'm going to need it back later. When...when it's time to fight what we were brought here to fight. We're going to need all the firepower we can get.

But I can't have it right now, [he says, far less shakily than he did before.] I can't handle that kind of power the way I am now. You've seen the proof yourself, [he says nastily.] I'm working on it. I have people who are helping me. [The 'which is more than you ever did' is wisely left unsaid.]

[Okay, he was feeling sorry for Gene, until he went and got all snotty about it. ~~Y U GOTTA BE SUCH A JERK, GENE.~~]

Yeah. Well. We'll see about that, [Tony replies tersely. He'd rather try to take on Malicant without the Mandarin, first, and keep the final ring as a last resort.]

I'm so happy for you, [he says, with only slight sarcasm. He crosses his arms.] They do say that the first step is accepting that you have a problem.

[Gene continues to smile nastily. He hadn't meant it in a snotty way, but if that was how Stark was going to take it...!] We might not be in a position to see about it. Like it or not, Stark, we have a common enemy now. [Again. He sighs, his shoulders slumping.] I'm willing to put this conflict aside if you are. I...

[He swallows again, putting a hand on the back of his neck.] I want to start over.

[Aw, lookit him, trying to be the bigger man.]

[Great, Gene's being all noble, and now Tony feels like the bad guy again. How come you always bring out the worst in me? he thinks bitterly.

No. That's not fair. That's his problem, not Gene's fault. Just because Gene can be a huge dirtbag sometimes ~~all the time~~ doesn't mean that Tony's right to retaliate in kind. Their fight on his first day here had showed him that.

Fine. If Gene's going to take the moral high ground, Tony will suck it up and try to follow suit.]

...Okay. A fresh start. [He takes a deep breath, choking back all the nasty things he's tempted to say.] I guess, since you did give up the ring, you... deserve another chance.

[This time, Gene's smile is small, but genuine, and it's gone so quickly that Tony could be forgiven for thinking it's just a trick of the dim light.] Thanks, [he says, and it sounds sincere.] I'll try not to fuck it up this time.

[He takes a breath. Then another.] ...you know I'm sorry, right? For...everything. [He'd said as much after the fight, but he wasn't sure how much had actually stuck.] I know it doesn't fix anything. But...

[Tony uncrosses his arms and rubs the back of his neck; the same gesture of discomfort and uncertainty that Gene had made only a moment before.] I know. I know you're sorry. And no, it doesn't fix anything. But... Thanks. It... it does mean something, that you're sorry. Even if it doesn't change anything.

[He sighs, and looks away, his hands falling to his sides.] Would you change things? [Tony asks, very quietly.] If you'd known, would you have done anything differently?

Edited 2014-08-18 06:55 (UTC)

[For a moment, Gene's speechless. How can he-- how can he even ask that? It takes him a moment of looking both shocked and offended before he manages to say,] Of course I would. I never wanted it to happen like that. I...I never thought things would...

[He'd been blinded with anger and a desperate hunger for agency, to shape his own destiny. And he'd change a lot if he could - not even kidnapping the right Stark, like he would have changed a few weeks ago, before he'd been sent back and the shit had hit the fan.

He feels remorse. Genuine, gut-twisting remorse. It's not a sensation he feels all that often, and he's not sure what he thinks about it.]

I don't want to hurt you anymore, [he finishes lamely.]

Okay. Thanks. [That... does actually make Tony feel better. It's one thing for Gene to be sorry that people got hurt because of what he did, and another for him to admit that people got hurt because what he did was wrong. The second kind of apology carries a lot more weight.

Tony sits down on a low wall and opens the armor's faceplate.] You could have just asked for our help, you know, [he says, sounding frustrated.] If you'd been up-front with us from the start, we probably would have helped you. If you hadn't lied and manipulated us, if you hadn't tried to use your power to rule the planet... things might have turned out okay. [We could have done amazing things together, if you hadn't screwed it all up.]

I had no reason to think you would help me, [Gene admits simply, looking down.] I had no reason to think anyone would want to help me.

[And there it is, the chief difference between them. At least when Tony had suffered tragedy after tragedy, he'd had people who looked after him, people who wanted to help him. Gene hadn't had anyone. He'd grown up with the incontrovertible truth that people were bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling to a man, and the equally incontrovertible truth that he could only rely on himself. Even his mother had left him - not of her own free will, but she'd left all the same, left him alone to Zhang.

He's not sure he can forgive her that, for dying when he needed her most.]

[What a horrible way to live, Tony thinks. Sometimes he forgets that Gene was raised by a ninja gang and a crime boss stepfather who didn't give a shit about him. Maybe it's not such a surprise that he turned out so messed up.

Even that can only explain so much, though.] But... once you came to the Tomorrow Academy, we were helping you. Couldn't you see that? [he asks, confused, the frustration in his voice rising.] You didn't have to betray us when you got the fifth ring. You could have kept the rings, and we could have still been friends, and studied them together, and used them for good. You-- you sacrificed yourself to save Pepper! It was the most... noble thing I'd ever seen anyone do, and then you turned right back around and stabbed us in the back! Why?

[Of all the awful things Gene did, this was the betrayal that hurt the most, because Tony just doesn't get it. It doesn't make any sense. He doesn't understand it, and he doesn't know how he can forgive Gene for something so baffling, so cruel, so pointless.]

You had your own agenda, just as I had mine, [Gene says, the bitterness returning to his voice, and stops. When he speaks again, he sounds...sad.] I had already gone too far. You were Iron Man, I had your father...I didn't see another way. Might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb, [he says, bitterness creeping in again - but this time, it's directed at himself.]

I couldn't figure out how to save the situation. And I didn't want to. Not after...not after finding out that you were my enemy. I guess I wanted you to hurt like I did. But it didn't help. It made things worse. [Like I always do.

He swallows hard again. He can't stop the words, he's held them in too long.] You know I nearly came crawling back? I'd forsaken the rings. I threw them away. But then they activated this map...and it was easier to go after them than to go after you. You wouldn't have forgiven me. There wasn't a point. I don't know. Maybe I thought that once I had them all, I could fix what I'd broken.

[He laughs without humor.] What an idiot I am!

Edited 2014-08-18 21:26 (UTC)

[Tony stares at Gene. He doesn't know what to say. After a long minutes of silence, he lets out a strangled laugh.] So you dug yourself into a hole, and your solution was to keep digging? And what, hope if you dug deep enough you'd eventually pop out on the other side? [~~WHAT A STRANGELY FAMILIAR STRATEGY~~] You are an idiot.

I guess it didn't occur to you that apologizing and admitting you messed up and bringing my dad back might have gone a long way towards getting me to forgive you?

It didn't, [Gene says savagely.] You wouldn't have forgiven me. You wouldn't have had a reason to. Look me in the eye and tell me you'd have done anything but toss me in prison. No. I'd gone too far. You'd understand, if you'd ever messed up that badly. You'd understand that I had no way out.

[Not even twenty and he's already screwed his life up beyond repair. Much to his horror he can feel tears starting to form in his eyes, and blinks them back.]

I did this to myself, [he declares. He's not blaming it on anyone else, like he might have done earlier, before he'd had the time or inclination to think on his sins.] I'm not content with ruining my own life, am I? No, I have to go and ruin everyone else's.

Edited 2014-08-18 22:12 (UTC)

Maybe I would have, if you'd given me a reason to! Do you think it was fun, hunting down someone I'd thought was my friend? I hated it, but you didn't leave me any choice! I didn't want you to go to prison, I just... I just wanted my dad and my friend back. [Tony's shoulders slump.]

I kept hoping you would, [he says sadly.] That you'd show up with my dad and say that you messed up and wanted to fix it. And that we had been your friends, and you were sorry.

[Tony shrugs and looks away.] Maybe that's dumb. Maybe it wouldn't have worked. I guess we'll never know, [he finishes, the last words tinged with bitterness.]

[A surge of anger floods through Gene at Tony's words.] You've got a funny way of showing it. I came back, half-dead, begging for your help, promising to return your father to you! And you spat on me and called me 'monster'! But I kept my word, Stark. I gave him back to you, and I left. You. Alone. You were my friends! You were the only friends I'd ever had! And none of you wanted anything more to do with me, ever again! I didn't have anyone, I didn't have anyone left! You were the last thing keeping me human, and you turned your back on me!

[He's half-yelling now, tears in his eyes obscured by his tinted glasses.] What does it matter, anyway? If I told you I was sorry, you would have never believed me! Well, I am sorry, do you believe me now? Or will you turn your back on me again?

Edited 2014-08-19 04:49 (UTC)

[Tony looks up, anger blazing again in his own eyes.] Well, you have a funny way of apologizing. "I ditched your dad with another supervillain, you need to come help me in my quest to take over the world so he doesn't get horribly murdered before you ever even get to see him again"? Not really what I was looking for! Was that supposed to be what convinced us to take you back? You took every chance you had to hurt us and drive us further away, and you're mad because we didn't come running after you?! What did you expect? Gah!

[Tony throws up his hands and stands abruptly. He starts pacing, fuming.] You-- you keep doing this, acting like it's my fault that you got hurt when you were doing it to yourself! You turned your back on us, not the other way around. God, Gene, you expect people to feel sorry for you, but any time you have a chance to make things right, you piss it away, and turn on anyone who might have been willing to help!

[Tony wants to grab Gene by the shoulders and shake some goddamn sense into him. Don't you see? Don't you see what you're doing? How can you still be so dense?]

You can't-- you can't do something horrible, and then just monologue about how you only did it because you were sad, and expect that to suddenly make it okay!

No, I... [Words are failing him. He's losing, he's losing the one chance he had left. A frustrated scream builds in his throat. Stark's not understanding. Stark's not understanding because he doesn't want to understand, he's not listening because he's already decided that Gene's guilty. Stark's appointed himself judge, jury, and executioner, and he's just looking for reasons to hurt him now. His voice is weak.] That's not...I'm trying to tell you why I did it. I was acting like a wounded animal because I was a wounded animal, I...

[It's no use. They're too far apart. They can't cross this chasm between them, not with words alone. Then he has an idea. One stupid idea that's liable to get him a repulsor somewhere vital, but it's the only idea he has left.]

Telling you why isn't working, [he says, his voice broken,] so I'll just have to show you instead. [And there's a pulse from the crimson ring, treating Tony to his very own private show.]

----

This ring is your destiny, Temujin. [He loves his mother. It's just the two of them against the rest of the world and that's okay with him. Destiny is a word for the future.]

--

[And now she's dead at Zhang's hand, and Gene's tempted to gloss over this part, but he doesn't. He provides a helpful highlight reel of what Zhang's done to him, how it turned him bitter, how it turned him cruel. And how the thought of one day reclaiming his mother's ring from the man's corpse keeps him going, keeps him obsessed with destiny, that future word.]

--

[He's fifteen years old and watching TV, and he sees the Makluan ring on Howard Stark's hand. His heart skips a beat. Could it be? It looked just like the one Zhang had stolen, only green instead of purple. The thought of asking for it flits through his head before he decides it's stupid; rich men don't give up their prizes. White men don't give up the artifacts that were never theirs. It's a story told in every museum. No. If he wants it, he'll have to take it, like he's had to fight for everything in his life. And he begins formulating a plan.]

--

[Disaster. Stark hadn't had the ring on him, and Zhang had caught Gene and taken the ring back, beaten him soundly, and thrown him into the dungeon. He lay curled up on the stone, his shoulders shaking, trying not to cry loud enough for Stark to hear in his adjacent cell. He's a failure, and he'll never be good for anything.]

--

[At first, when he meets Tony, it's simple manipulation. He'd hardened his heart to thoughts of friendship - who would want to befriend him, worthless child that he was? But he's starved for friendship, starved for affection, and it doesn't take long for him to genuinely appreciate his friends too. There's always that voice in the back of his head, that toxic thing telling him that it isn't real. He knows that it is, and it scares him.]

--

[The idiots went off looking for a ring without him and he has to troubleshoot from afar. At least, when they're not hanging up on him. His heart's in his throat as he tries to piece together the temple's puzzle from what Rhodes is telling him over the shaky mobile phone connection, and when he figures it out and saves his friends - his friends - he has to collapse on his bed as the adrenaline drains out of him. He'd come too close to losing them, even though he knows he eventually will.]

--

[He feels love for the first time since he was six.

It takes months for him to realize that's what it is, and by then it's too late.]

--

That's what I was trying to tell you on the plane. I'm Iron Man. [Shock. Shock/hurt/pain/fear/sadness/anger/hurt/pain/shock/sadness/despair/despair/despair.

Anger.

Despair/anger/despair/anger/despair/anger/madness.

They all knew. They all knew, and they never told you. Stupid child. They were never your friends. They were working against you the whole time. You don't deserve friends. He's not sure whose voice that is in his head. Maybe it's his own.

But still he shoves Pepper out of the way of the dragon and takes the hit himself. He half-hopes it'll kill him.

Not noble, Tony. An act of desperation.]

--

[It's several hours before he comes to his senses, and he nearly howls with how much he's burned and lost in the depths of his anger and despair. He wants to go back, but he can't. He can never go back to them again. The only way to go now is forward. For better or worse, the die is cast.

And maybe...maybe once he has all ten...maybe he can build those bridges again.]

--

[He goes back to Stark twice, because he has no choice. One of the only people who's ever given him a kind word now can barely stand to look at him. Monster. He takes the word and makes armor of it in their time apart, because if he doesn't, he'll crumple and wither.

Monster? Very well. Let's see how much of a monster I can be.]

--

[It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It wasn't supposed to go this way!

All that talk of destiny, all the claims of how he could be a great ruler and bring peace to the world when he was old enough...all of it had been a lie. A lie he'd bought into, and brought the world to the brink of destruction. Even when he's trying to fix his mistakes all he gets is unkindness and misunderstanding.

He's worthless. He's been a pawn this whole time, dancing to the Makluans' tune.

Still he fights. He's left alone, and he fights. He tries to take on the Overlord in a suicidal rush, and even gets a few hits in.

The electric shock that he thinks kills him is almost welcome. At least he won't have to live with himself anymore.]

----

[Gene's collapsed to his knees again, actually weeping now. The drawback to doing that was that he had to relive the memories too, most of which he'd rather forget.]

Now do you see? [he asks, his voice hoarse.] I'm not asking you to absolve me. I know it was wrong. I know I don't deserve forgiveness. I just want you to know why.

Edited 2014-08-19 16:03 (UTC)

[There's a flash of crimson on Gene's hand, and Tony feels a rush of horror and panic, and reflexively takes a step back. He knows what that means; he's felt that invasion before and he never wants to feel it again, but there isn't time to scream "no, don't do it, don't you dare," because Gene is already inside his head, and someone else's memories are playing out in Tony's mind like a nightmare he can't wake up from.

He gives a strangled cry and falls to his knees, clutching his head. The armor's life support detects the sudden surge of adrenaline and registers a possible emergency; the faceplate closes again to seal off the outside environment. Tony barely notices.

stop stop stop get out get outgetoutgetoutgetoutGETOUT!! But he can't stop it. He has no control over the images and sensations and emotions that have hijacked his brain.

And they're horrible. They're a cascade of experiences as vivid as the day they were lived, one after another after another. They are memories of fear and anger and pain and terrible loneliness, and regret that burns like a hot coal in his stomach.

He understands. He doesn't want to.

It's worse, so much worse this way, because now he can see that everything they've done to each other was as unnecessary as it was inevitable. It shouldn't have been this way, but it was the only way it could be. Like two massive stars locked together in a decaying orbit, doomed to consume each other and tear each other apart.

It was easier when he could blame Gene; then it could be someone's fault. But it isn't anyone's fault, not really. Or maybe it's everyone's fault. All of them making the wrong choices, over and over, in a horrible blind game of chess that none of them knew they were playing. It doesn't make sense; it's pain and pointless tragedy and it didn't need to be like this. It's heartbreaking. It's inescapable. It's too much. It's too much.]

Stop, [he sobs, falling to all fours. He can't take any more.] Please, please stop.

[In another life, Iron Man - Tony Stark - falling to his knees and begging for mercy would have been the sweetest music Gene had ever heard. Now he's disgusted that there had ever been a version of himself so blind, so cruel. And yet it's a part of him, as much a part of him as the one that still hungers for the ring encased in the shielded pocket in Tony's armor. He's borne full witness to the ugliness in his soul, and let it run rampant. And now he doesn't fully know how to rein it back in. Gene laughs, and it's as bitter as Tony's ever had the chance to hear from him.] Yeah. I want it to stop, too. But it won't stop. Not for me. This is what I have to live with. This is my life.

[He doesn't even try to stand up. He knows he'll fall.]

Now you know, [he says, his breathing harsh.] Our friendship was - was the one thing I had in my life that was mine. Inviolate. And when you put on that armor...it was all over. I didn't have anything left. I didn't have anyone left. I thought you had betrayed me. So I betrayed you right back.

[He laughs again, and this one sounds almost unhinged. It's the laughter of someone who's been put through a crucible of his life's devising, the sound of a man at the end of his rope.] It's like we were fated to hurt each other. That's destiny.

Edited 2014-08-20 02:46 (UTC)

[Tony moans and hunches over, curling up on the ground as if making his body smaller can somehow diminish the turmoil in his mind. He's shaking inside his armor, still reeling from that high-definition director's cut of a lifetime's worth of suffering.

He feels like a piece of Gene's soul has been shoved inside him, like a shard of jagged glass. He's seen Gene's torment through Gene's own eyes, and part of him wants desperately to hold Gene and tell him that he's sorry, he's so sorry that the world has been so cruel; that no human being should ever have to go through what he did.

And another part of him is still furious. If he had the breath, he'd be tempted to turn to Gene and scream, "this, this is exactly what I was talking about! This is why you don't have any friends!" What the hell kind of person thinks an appropriate reaction to a misunderstanding with someone is to drop the psychic equivalent of a nuclear bomb on them, without warning or consent? Gene has a really bad habit of taking his own legitimate pain, and inflicting it on people who had nothing to do with hurting him in the first place. No freakin' wonder no one wants to try to help you, Tony thinks, with practically incandescent exasperation.

He can't speak; he doesn't know what to say. Anger and empathy and sorrow and frustration are all tangled in his mind, and he can't decide which to give voice to first. He doesn't even know where to start.]

Edited 2014-08-20 07:13 (UTC)

[The borrowed memories should be beginning to fade now, paling like a dream upon waking - or perhaps, more accurately, a nightmare. The human psyche isn't equipped to retain non-native memories for long. It's too alien, to slip into another's skin, however briefly.

Gene, too, has curled up on the ground, shaking. One of the twisted benefits of surviving all that trauma is that one develops the ability to con oneself into thinking it's normal, to become numb to the daily injustices. Living them again, all at once, as prepared for someone else, is liable to shatter that wall of spiteful strength, the part that says despite it all, 'fuck you, I'm still standing'.

He's not sure he'll ever be able to stand again.

The enormity of what he's done crashes into him like a wave, swamping him in pain and regret.] I did it again, [he says, half to himself.] I said I didn't want to hurt you anymore, and what's the first thing I do?

[He tries to laugh, because it's funny, in an awful way, even if only to him. It comes out as a choking sob instead. It's a more accurate reflection of his emotions. And he's ashamed. Ashamed of his actions, ashamed of the hurt he's caused, ashamed of the tears streaming down his face with no conscious effort or sign of stopping. He looks like a broken toy someone's thrown away - because isn't that what he is? A puppet dancing to someone else's tune, discarded when they have no more use for him? Without direction, he descends into destructive cycles because he's never known any other way to act, until he's finally run himself out of energy, out of motivation, and out of options. ]

Edited 2014-08-20 15:24 (UTC)

[It takes Tony a couple seconds to gather his thoroughly scattered wits. He sits up slowly and stares at the other boy still lying on the ground, trying to reconcile everything he's just seen with his already intense emotions about Gene.

He's still angry. But what is that anger going to get him, at this point? It won't get him back home. It won't change what's already happened. And it won't get Gene's memories out of his head.

Gene looks like he's on the verge of a complete breakdown, and Tony is now - however unwillingly - fully aware of just how fragile his mental state is. If Tony lashes out again, he knows it will push Gene over the edge. And he doesn't want to do that. He really doesn't want to do that.

He doesn't want to hurt Gene, anymore, either.]

God, [he says, with a small, slightly hysterical laugh.] We are really bad at this, aren't we?

The worst, [Gene agrees, his voice small. He's not even looking in Tony's direction, perhaps unwisely putting his back to his friend/enemy (frienemy? What are they to each other now, anyway? As always, they will be the last to know). It's just as well he's not facing Tony. When he's in this state, impassive suits of armor worn by people who are angry at him will lead to nowhere good.

He doesn't want Tony to see his tears. But he's pretty damn sure that his state of emotional dysfunction is now clearer than it ever was. So he stays curled up, facing away, as he tries to get himself under control. At least these tears have been restrained and as dignified as complete-breakdown tears can be; there's no hiccuping or prolonged sniffling. But then, he'd had to get good at doing this quietly, hadn't he? Almost as good as he is at bottling them up inside.]

I'm the worst, [he mutters to the ground.]

[Tony's about to go over to Gene when a sudden aftershock of dread from Gene's memories freezes him in his tracks. //a cold armored hand wraps around his throat, tighter and tighter-- then Zhang releases him, flinging him across the room with inhuman strength--//

Okay. Armor: bad idea. No armor. He stands and shucks the suit, then walks to Gene and kneels beside him. (He worries briefly about the ring, but unless he has catastrophically misread the situation, Gene is in no shape to be trying anything underhanded.)] Maybe. [Hey, he's not gonna deny it. ~~You are totally the worst, Gene.~~] But you can be better. We... we can start over. Like you said. [Gingerly, he puts his hand on Gene's shoulder.]

[Out of all the things in Tony's life he has catastrophically misread? This isn't one of them. Gene's barely keeping his wits about him enough to talk - expecting him to use the rings now is like expecting Malicant to descend from the palace in front of them and launch into an award-winning tap-dance routine: both utterly absurd, and not gonna happen.

When Tony touches his shoulder, he flinches away violently, half-expecting an oncoming blow. But the hand is warm and human, not a creature of star-forged metal. And the worst thing about it, the goddamned worst thing, is that this is something he'd decided never to ask for, never to presume again, because he doesn't deserve it and he never had. Affection, friendship, human contact - those are all for other people. Not for him. Never for him, never again.]

Please, [he says, not entirely sure what he's pleading for. Please go away? Please don't leave? Please don't hurt me? Please don't look at me? Everything about this is painful, and he's not sure what's going to hurt more - if Tony leaves, or if he stays. Every direction is liberally sprinkled with broken glass, and he's at the bottom of a low sloping pit.

The hell of it is that the broken glass is coating the bottom of the pit, too, and whether he moves or doesn't, he's going to bleed. Is Tony here to help him climb out, or to stomp on his fingers when he tries?]

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Tony's such. an ASSHOLE. god.

/mashes their faces together

just get married already ugh

well gene DID offer him a ring on bended knee, and he accepted. that's as good as a proposal, right?

yeah, totally. OFFICIALLY MARRIED

u may kiss the shitlord

i now pronounce u big gay nerd and bigger gay nerd

we could have had it aaaaall, rollin' in the deeeeeeep~

literally ANYTHING else you could have done would have been better, Gene

he's never been taught how to make good choices

they're both fucking morons

it's so true. it's SO true

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I don't know who taught you the definition of "apology," Gene, but that ain't it

how's this then?

gene. no.

enjoy that tasty, tasty secondhand trauma, Tony.

USE YOUR WORDS, GENE, NOT YOUR FREAKY COSMIC MIND CONTROL POWERS. GO TO TIME-OUT RIGHT NOW.

I was going to make a joke until I realized that he doesn't know HOW TO DO THAT

no subject

you cannot hope to defeat these nerds at fucking up. they are simply the best there is

the fucked-upest fuck-ups that have ever fucked up

the saddest part about this is that the flashback there is explicitly canon